What to do? Partner not ready for kids but I am

[Mary1234567]

I’m 34 and I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years. He’s 33. I have polycystic ovaries and have another health condition that makes me worry about fertility. I’ve always wanted kids and I’m becoming increasingly broody and anxious to start. My partner always said he wanted kids ‘some day’ but not yet. But when we met I thought that day would come quicker than it has. We’ve had a few tearful long conversations this week about it where he basically says he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake and then resent me or the baby (which I agree with.) my question is: what do I do? I don’t want to break up because I really love him, it’d be tough. I also worry that if I tried to start dating from 0 it might take me ‘a couple of years’ to find someone else anyway, so maybe I should just wait for him? But what if I waste all my fertile years and he never ends up sure. I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait? And if these don’t work or give us false hope, I’ll resent him for making me lose out. I feel lost and in a complete pickle. Any advice?

I think you want to believe him whe

The reality is for you is the time is now, you don’t have a few years. Vague promises about some fictional time in the future isn’t enough. It’s very sad you are not on the same page but you can’t put your chance of being a mother off on a maybe.

Most men don’t really understand female fertility, let alone conditions that negatively impact it. They think that just because some women have children in their 40’s that all women can conceive in their 40’s. This man really isn’t prepared to compromise on the timeline because for him, there isn’t one. I agree with him that he shouldn’t have a child when he isn’t ready but then he does need to accept that on this fundamental issue that you are not compatible. It would be cruel (even if he thinks that he isn’t stringing you along) to stay with a woman whose fertility window is already compromised and all he has is vague promises.

It's not just that he doesn't want kids now, or actually doesn't know if he'll ever want kids.

If you have kids, what are the chances he's going to step up and not resent you for the drudgery of parenting? My guess is you're kept alone with a couple of pre-10yos while he leaves because he doesn't want to be tied down any more.

He's not the person to have children with. So you either have the life you have right now forever. Or you move on. Also spitballing, I feel like people who don't want to look after kids also aren't going to look after you if you become ill or disabled. "I want my freedom, I don't want to be responsible for someone or restricted by them." Applies to both imo.

If he'd rather choose losing you over having a child, that really tells you all you need to know about how strongly he doesn't want them.
I think your best choice is to separate from him if you'd rather be a mother.

Leave him. And find your own future.

F

I know you’re talking about men. And I’m saying as women we know this is how some men behave, so take control back. They don’t care about birth control? Make sure you do.

Stop expecting men to behave as you’d like them to. It’s not going happen.

totally agree

It's hard, OP.

If I were in your situation, I would be having a very frank discussion. For you, having kids is likely now or never; you can't put it off.

Secondly, don't give up on having kids in order to keep a relationship. You will end up resenting him.

I would consider the sperm donor route.

Don't have kids without getting married (if you are having kids in a relationship). You don't need a wedding. You may be financially equal now, but a lot of women often drop back on their hours after kids.

Best of luck

As someone who has never wanted kids I admire his honesty. I have a lovely stepson and wouldn’t be without him but I’ve watched my sisters parenting journey and the teenage years have sucked the joy out of her! I know she has regrets ! ! Cute little babies csn turn into the stuff of nightmares!!

A woman shouldn’t use contraception or withholding sex as a bargaining chip. That’s why it’s blackmail. Would you want a baby with someone who only agreed because they wanted to get their dick wet? I assume so because that’s what you’re suggesting.

It could be considered emotional manipulation or coercive control. The idea just gets even more unpleasant the more you think about it. Which I guess you haven’t beyond a foot stamping I want what I want toddler tantrum.

I called you irrational because that isn’t how two sane adults in a happy relationship behave. They use their intelligence to resolve things reasonably and without resorting to game playing and punishments.

PS My IQ is over 140 and I have three degrees. But thanks for your concern that I might be a bit thick 😂

😂😂😂

Good for you. I have an Oxbridge degree so that makes us about even. No one suggested she use it as a bargaining chip. I suggested she stop pumping herself with hormones to prevent pregnancy, and make him take responsibility for his own fertility himself, given he's so concerned about remaining childless. I am sure you can understand that, given your high IQ.

Wow, I thought his reasons might be along practical or financial lines e.g. he doesn't feel like he can afford children yet, or wants to buy a house first or something. But you've said that it's because he hasn't had a "feeling" yet. This guy doesn't sound serious about having children. Perhaps you shouldn't pin your hopes on something so flaky as waiting for his "feeling" to occur. He also doesn't sound that bothered about missing out on the chance to have children with you. So yeah like someone else said - what's more important- having children or keeping this guy? It's terrible that he's strung you along this far, don't let him string you along any more. If you stay with him do it with your eyes open and accept that you are sacrificing having kids. Expect that it won't happen if you stay, rather than fool yourself and allow the stringing along to continue.

He doesn’t love you heart and soul—he seems to like you well enough but just not enough to want to be tied to you through children or have that responsibility. I would end it if children are really important to you.

I'm really sorry your sister has had this experience. I feel for her because the teenage years can be surprisingly stressful and draining and it took me a while to recover. They say teenagers often "foul the nest" or make it easier emotionally easier for them to leave by behaving in a challenging way. Mine certainly gave me many days and nights of worry. However, now my DC are older, my relationship with them as adults is a continuing joy and delight and I wouldn't change anything for the world! They have returned to the adult form of how they were before adolescence struck, in other words, they are intelligent, funny, helpful, kind, thoughtful, energetic and ambitious, with maturity on top, and I am so proud of them. Every bit of heartache and worry is worth it! I hope this proves to be the case for your sister too. 💐

I agree with this. I'm afraid the "feeling" comment is key here. It tells you a lot about the inner workings of his mind and it does come across as rather flaky. And for this reason, the question needs to be asked again, why set up and play house with someone in their mid-thirties who you know wants DC, when you are feeling this way? Leading people on and saying "some day" when you don't actually mean it is a thoroughly dishonourable thing to do. Perhaps it wasn't done intentionally but by all accounts the op has raised the issue; when was he going to tell her? I'm sorry he's put you through this op. Be strong 💐💐💐

I think he is right - kids should never be had unless you both really want them and can both afford them.

Leave him to live his life as he wants and you do the same.

You know what you meant and it had nothing to do with hormones. You advocated sex as a form of control. End of story. Bye.

Surely having a child must always be a positive choice, not one undertaken to satisfy someone else’s desires? It isn’t ‘flaky’ or somehow immature (as an earlier poster suggests) to weigh up the pros and cons when put on the spot and to take a view. It’s a life changing decision and creates a whole new set of obligations and relationships. It is hard on the OP to be sure. She has a hard choice to make.

I suppose the question is do you want kids or a life with him more?

It takes 2 to tango and you can't force him to have kids when he's not ready just cause you are. If the shoe was on the other foot people here would be kicking off if he was putting pressure on you when you weren't ready. Also, forcing someone when they're not ready could have a negative counterintuitive impact once you have a baby.

My partner wasn't ready a few years ago when I was, but is now and we're TTC (struggling to get pregs but we're both in the same boat). I'm 34, we've been married 5 years. I trusted that he did want them when he was in the right headspace and waited cause I wanted kids with him.

If you trust he does want kids and you're happy to wait, egg freezing seems sensible. Or an honest chat with him about your concerns about conceiving becoming harder the longer you leave it.

If you don't trust him or believe he wants kids in a few years, then it seems better to leave him and find someone who can give you what you want.

RoseUnder · Today 00:08
Runsyd · Yesterday 20:44
In your shoes I'd refuse to carry the burden of contraception, and tell him he's got a choice: no sex, sex using a condom, or unprotected sex.
Agree.
Furthermore, what happens if the condom splits and you get pregnant.
Does he expect you to get an abortion? Or would he leave you to have the baby alone?
I’d want to know what he’d do if an accident happened (a genuine contraceptive fail - not a fake one, as suggested by some posters)

agree with this ^

If he wants sex with you from now on it should be with a condom as you need to prepare your body for pregnancy by sperm donor by coming off the pill now.

I also think this will create resentment in him, while you’ll resent him for not wanting a baby so really, unless you continue as you are, the relationship is dying anyway.

Nonsense. It's possible for him to be completely in love with her but still not want children. I could love someone more than anyone I've ever loved - enough to give my life for them - but I still wouldn't have children with them.

Then he needs to say, "I'm going to be honest with you, because I love you. I don't want children. Not now, not ever. If this is important to you then I need to break up with you so we can part ways as friends and you can go off in search of someone who can give you the life you want."

I agree. It’s hard for me to decide whether it’s that he doesn’t love me enough and would do it with someone else as some people have suggested- I do partly feel this way, like ‘surely he wouldn’t let me go over this if he really loved me’ - but the flip side of this as some others have suggested is that I guess I am doing the same thing to him - considering letting him go over the pursuit of my own life choices, so I guess he has the same right to that as me and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I don’t think he’s strung me on on purpose, I think he’s a deep thinker, doubts himself a lot and he struggles to take decisions like this. Saying that I do feel like when he is 45 years old or so maybe the realisation that it might be his last chance would finally push him to decide, or he would’ve had long enough languishing in his self doubt by then, so i tbh can imagine he probably would have kids at some point in like a decade- this would not be with me though clearly as my eggs would be likely all gone by then (as would my love & patience), but yeah he isn’t feeling that pressure enough yet I guess. I’m not on the pill anyway as some people have suggested but we are always careful about condom use and I would never entrap him as I feel that’s a breach of trust and he needs to want it to be a good dad anyway. I guess the reasons and ins and outs of it don’t matter anyway as I sort of have my answer now, and know what I need to do (leave.) now I just need to figure out whether to try to date or whether to go direct to a donor. :/

@AgentJohnson "Most men don’t really understand female fertility, let alone conditions that negatively impact it. They think that just because some women have children in their 40’s that all women can conceive in their 40’s." This is so true.

My ex was delaying having children and would refer to his mum who had him in her late 30s saying we had plenty of time when I expressed fears around my fertility. In the end I dumped him after 8 years of future faking at the age of 32 and started trying to conceive as a smbc at 34. It took several years and two miscarriages to conceive my son and there was nothing found to be wrong with me apart from a few fibroids. In your position if I knew for a fact I had a fertility impacting condition I wouldn't hesitate to leave my partner. I would hate for anyone to go through the pain I went through to be able to experience motherhood, much of it I suspect would have been avoidable if I had started younger.