What to do? Partner not ready for kids but I am

[Mary1234567]

I’m 34 and I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years. He’s 33. I have polycystic ovaries and have another health condition that makes me worry about fertility. I’ve always wanted kids and I’m becoming increasingly broody and anxious to start. My partner always said he wanted kids ‘some day’ but not yet. But when we met I thought that day would come quicker than it has. We’ve had a few tearful long conversations this week about it where he basically says he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake and then resent me or the baby (which I agree with.) my question is: what do I do? I don’t want to break up because I really love him, it’d be tough. I also worry that if I tried to start dating from 0 it might take me ‘a couple of years’ to find someone else anyway, so maybe I should just wait for him? But what if I waste all my fertile years and he never ends up sure. I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait? And if these don’t work or give us false hope, I’ll resent him for making me lose out. I feel lost and in a complete pickle. Any advice?

I have told him it would be a deal breaker for me, and he knows this. He feels bad about it all and is also in distress about it too, but he doesn’t want to have a baby that he doesn’t want. I do get this. He says he would feel horrible to lose me, and can’t imagine life without me etc but also he feels it would be wrong to have a baby he doesn’t want. The idea of having a baby now makes him feel dread at losing freedom and he doesn’t know when he’ll feel ready but he always thought he’d get a ‘feeling’ that would tell him he’s ready, which he just doesn’t have. He sees his friends with kids and it seems like they aren’t happy, he’s not sure it’s for him etc. He says he’d understand if I’d have to leave but I’m not sure he really believes I will and may be different if/ when it was really happening.

Why are any women letting this happen, though?
Isn't this an obvious recipe for very soon having a baby with a feckless father vanishing into the distance?

I don’t know, you’d have to ask them. I’m just saying, this is a common reality. Not saying it’s good or bad. It just is.

I don't think a woman who really wants a baby would care less if a feckless dad disappeared leaving them with the baba. In fact it might be a Godsend.

I don't think he's giving you any choice sadly. If that's how he is thinking, I doubt he will ever get that "feeling" he thinks he's going to get. He's 33 - how much "freedom" does he need? I understand him not wishing to have a baby he doesn't want, and that's sensible, but his decision is preventing you from having a baby that you do want.

There's no room for compromise here. It's a horrible situation to be in x

My love I say this kindly, don’t be frightened, don’t be scared. Take control. Take control of your destiny. Politely, at your age and with your health concerns, you do need to start trying. It sounds like you have had this conversation with your partner but I think you now need to decide if you pick this relationship or a baby. Make a decision and have a calm, loving conversation with each other. If, in the future, you needed to consider sperm donation, I wouldn’t for a second be at all worried about what others would think of this; please please don’t make decisions based on how you think others may perceive you. Picture what you want, and work towards it. Be in control and steer your life. I wish you so much luck and I hope both you and your partner find your ultimate happiness, whether that be together or alone.

In your shoes I'd refuse to carry the burden of contraception, and tell him he's got a choice: no sex, sex using a condom, or unprotected sex.

OP nothing you’ve said here sounds like he wants children, ever. He just hasn’t committed to the decision yet, because as a man he doesn’t have to.

Blackmail him into having a baby! Thank god OP sounds a lot more rational than some of the women on this thread.

OP I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with pp that he is holding the cards. Take some control back in this situation. Just think if you agree to stay for a few more years, how you’d feel if he then changed his mind and it’s too late for you. I’ve felt that longing for a baby myself and the thought of being strung along for years is cruel. If he isn’t ready at 33 it’s unlikely he ever will be.

I know what you mean. I have said this to him. All his reasons sound like things that would not change. I asked him to imagine who he’d like to imagine around the dinner table when he’s 60/70/80 and he does imagine having had kids at that point, but it seems like he’s not sure when the point would be that he’d decide to actually do it. He doesn’t get broody or particularly find other people’s kids cute, he said he feels recently he finds them more boring/tedious and feels he wants to be a good dad and is worried he would be too impatient… he had never said these things to me before in our relationship, he had always just said he definitely wants them some day

The gentle and sweet way people have spoken to me in these replies honestly brings tears to my eyes. Thanks everyone for your empathy and kindness it’s really appreciated and I needed to hear this.

I am child free by choice and I understand when he says a table full of family sounds nice. But that wouldn’t be enough to make me change my mind. The loss of freedom, the inconvenience and the tediousness far outweigh all other considerations.

I am really sorry you find yourself in this position. You need to choose children or your relationship, and if children ever happen that’s an unexpected bonus.

Have you tried imagining the reverse? Go forward in this relationship from the position that he doesn’t want children and there won’t be any. How does that feel? Will you be happy sitting at that table, or will you be 70 and wishing your grown up children were sitting there with you?

Norman, are you thick? Men can use their own contraception. If a man doesn't want a baby, then he has options. Why should a woman who wants a baby have the burden of preventing pregnancy?

Did you mean to be so rude?

I can't answer for the poster; I'm sure they're not - but you are breathtakingly rude!

Some tough love... Things are unlikely to improve. He unfortunately won't stay your best friend when you start to show resentment. But how can you not show resentment when you want DCs and have previously said this?

Then, in two years on the now rocky relationship ends and you have to start again... at 36 not 34. He's 33 now so even if it takes him until 37 to be in a new relationship he can have DCs as he can meet a younger woman. At 40 you could be childless, seeing him at 39 being a father of 2.

You misinterpreted what I said by calling it blackmail, and suggesting I was irrational. You were either being deliberately provocative and rude yourself, or you're not very bright. And I note you still haven't addressed the issue about why a woman who wants to be pregnant should bear the burden of contraception, and not the man in this situation.

So she's not rude for calling me irrational? Righty ho.

He doesn’t get broody or particularly find other people’s kids cute, he said he feels recently he finds them more boring/tedious and feels he wants to be a good dad and is worried he would be too impatient… he had never said these things to me before in our relationship, he had always just said he definitely wants them some day

It looks like he may feel that he has been put on the spot and he is now solidifying his position. He knows you want an answer and he is edging towards telling you it's not going to happen - without actually coming out and telling it to you straight.

If you stay it is very likely that you'll grow to resent him, and resentment is a death knell for any relationship. If you leave, there is a chance - though no certainty! - that you might have children one day. However, you must do so in the full knowledge that childlessness is a real posibility.

Agree.
Furthermore, what happens if the condom splits and you get pregnant.
Does he expect you to get an abortion? Or would he leave you to have the baby alone?
I’d want to know what he’d do if an accident happened (a genuine contraceptive fail - not a fake one, as suggested by some posters)

She asked if you are thick. She was asking for a friend - me!

Fuck this is some shit advice.

Stop taking birth control. Make birth control 100% his responsibility if it's not already.
Let him put his wants into action.

Probably best to leave him if you aren't on the same page re having kids.

Preservation of eggs etc isn't the catch all solution it's made out to be. Do research the risks.

It’s not advice