What to do? Partner not ready for kids but I am

[Mary1234567]

I’m 34 and I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years. He’s 33. I have polycystic ovaries and have another health condition that makes me worry about fertility. I’ve always wanted kids and I’m becoming increasingly broody and anxious to start. My partner always said he wanted kids ‘some day’ but not yet. But when we met I thought that day would come quicker than it has. We’ve had a few tearful long conversations this week about it where he basically says he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake and then resent me or the baby (which I agree with.) my question is: what do I do? I don’t want to break up because I really love him, it’d be tough. I also worry that if I tried to start dating from 0 it might take me ‘a couple of years’ to find someone else anyway, so maybe I should just wait for him? But what if I waste all my fertile years and he never ends up sure. I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait? And if these don’t work or give us false hope, I’ll resent him for making me lose out. I feel lost and in a complete pickle. Any advice?

As others have said, which relationship would you look back on your life more upset to have missed out on, him or a child? I also have PCOS and my boyfriend told me about 6 months into dating his life plan was focus on career for the next few years, with marriage in his mid 30s and kids soon after, we were mid 20s at the time and I said this wouldn't work for me as I'd been advised if I wanted children earlier was a safer bet due to fertility issues growing with PCOS. He took a few days but said he could understand my timeline and reasoning and didn't want to loose me over it, we were married a year later and had our children at 27 and 30 years old, we wanted a third and started trying at 32 but 8 years of trying, 2 miscarriages and lots of tests later we've accepted it's just no longer possible for us. I love my husband very much but I would have walked away if our timelines had stayed so different because for me my children are the best thing that could ever have happened to me and it was too big a risk that I'd not have them if I'd waited.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

Looks like he doesn't want kids with you but is stringing you along. I would leave

Why does he want to wait?

Is he building up his career or likes to travel a lot?

Is there a chance he'll never be ready? I would move on from him OP. Although no one should be forced to have a child before they are ready if they feel they will definitely want a child with their current partner then they should compromise on time.

When my DS was having similar talks with his ex, I advised him that if he really didn't want children and she did, it would be best to call it a day. She was saying she would wait til he was ready but he was quite certain children weren't for him (and still is). It was sad things ended but very much the fair and right decision

He might never make the decision, just run out the clock until you are no longer fertile. I’ve seen this happen.

Time for very frank conversations. It might help to try to speak rationally, from a “business” point of view, and if you can park the romance/love/emotional side. Stick to the facts, make it a decision/tree / show consequences to the options (children now, freeze eggs, stay, leave) - even write down a timeline. Ignore if this isn’t helpful).

Sorry to say but there is also the risk that it’s you he’s not sure about, not kids. You might break up and he quickly goes on to have children with another woman. Awful but I’ve also seen this happen. Just arm yourself.

This is so so tough. At your age time is of the essence, but like you said, if you split up, you’re starting from scratch and it’s going to take a couple of years anyway. I wouldn’t know what to advise you. But it all might take longer than you think. I started trying at 32, but didn’t fall pregnant until I was 35 and 38.

he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake

He doesn't want them now
He may not want them later
He doesn't know what would need to change in order for him to want them

It would be different if he wanted to wait until you'd completed a house move, got a promotion or some other life milestone. He just prefers a child-free life.

If having children is important to you then you cannot gamble on this.

I have friends in their late 40s and early 50s who will never have a baby due to male partners waiting for the right time. All of those men, every one, went on to have children with younger women. Men have the luxury of putting off parenthood, women not so much.

Does he know that his decision to wait, which is his to make, might be the death knell of your relationship? If so, then he’s telling you, in a roundabout way, that he doesn’t want to have kids with you. I’m saying this because I was you. Nearly 34 and wanted children but DP wasn’t ready. So I gave him a deadline. I said I wanted to start trying by the end of that year (about six months) and if he wasn’t on board with that, I couldn’t stay and risk never having a baby. He used the time to get his head around it - we didn’t even talk about it again, I just left him to mull it over and started getting ducks in row etc - and by the time the deadline was up he was excited to be a dad and now he’s a brilliant one to our DC. He was just scared, it wasn’t about not having DC with me. Many men aren’t ready - but you need to establish whether he’ll ever be ready with you.

@NotAllowed Suggesting 'getting pregnant on the sly' and that it is indeed a 'viable option' is coercive, abusive behaviour. There are plenty of options open to the OP that have been explored here and tricking someone in to a pregnancy is horrendous to all parties, especially the child. Raising children is tough - what an appalling way to start that journey.

As PP said, you need to decide which you want more, DP or kids. If you choose to stay with him, you do so knowing that you might never have children. I don't think it's pressuring him to want something different, and he needs to take on board that this is an end of the line thing for you.

If you end the relationship, you could meet somebody in the next couple of years and start a family. If you stay with him and he never changes his mind, then it's no children.

I married my XH knowing that we might not have children due to medical issues on both sides. (We had 1 DC). A friend married her DP hoping to change his mind, and he wouldn't give in until she was in her 40's and at that point it was proved impossible and she ended up childless.

I'm really sorry OP, but I don't think he actually wants kids, or rather, he only wants them if they're just a far off dream.

I note that you're not married either. Whose choice was that?

I'm not religious, nor do I think marriage would change my loyalty to a partner, but I do think that for many men, it's an indication that they're not fully invested in you. You might be lovely and make them quite content, but you're still not their 'The One'. Some men go one step further and buy a house and have kids with that woman, but they still won't marry their female partners because of this, and sometimes other reasons.

Sometimes those men future-fake or string the woman along for years until she's basically infertile or it's really too late for her to meet anyone else. The they leave her for a woman who is 10-15 years younger, whom they marry and have kids with in a space of a year or two.

I think if he really loved you, he would encourage you to split. If things don't work out for either of you in a few years time and you're both still single, then maybe you can get back together one day, but I think you should try to make the most of the fertile years you have left with someone who wants to have kids.

Go into it with open eyes though. At mid-30s, I'm guessing a lot of men who want to have children would look for someone younger. It allows more time for the relationship to develop naturally and takes a lot of pressure off.

This is tongue in check, but these are the key questions that you need answers to:

Q1. Do you definitely want children?
Yes - excellent, proceed to Q2
No - our plans are not compatible, so unfortunately this relationship has no future

Q2. Do you definitely want children with me?
Yes - excellent, continue to Q3
No - thank you for your honesty, but unfortunately this relationship has no future

Q3. Are you prepared to start trying for a baby by X date?
Yes - awesome, let's do it
No - I can't risk waiting any longer, so unfortunately this relationship has no future

To be frank you don't have time to waste so if he isn't sure about kids/wants them one day then that's not good enough.

Just wanted to give you the other side of the coin- as it does happen. But I did exactly the same thing because having children was more important to me and ex was just kicking the can. I never met anyone else, and am now single and childless. I can’t afford a child on my own and have no family support.

Fwiw I don't think it's absurd. Women don't have the forever extendable deadline that men have.

If you are a 33 year old bloke who doesn't know what you want, why set up home with someone unless you are going to marry and have children, when you know they want marriage and DC and you presumably know that women's fertility dwindles in their thirties? It's just cruel.

I'm sorry things worked out this way for you feelingalittlehorse. Fwiw, I think you acted with huge integrity.

Yes I agree with this.

I think your best chance is giving him space to think about it. While you are still there with all the benefits of that, it will be hard for him to see what he is missing out on. I'd say you are moving out at the end of the week without any drama and follow up on it very calmly and quietly. No big emotional speeches. Smile and say pleasantly that you respect his need for space.

Catch him on the hop and leave him to stew for a bit. Go out with other people. It's a huge gamble, but at least, based on his subsequent actions, you will have your answer. And it shows that you respect yourself and your own needs. It gives the message that are not playing around here, you have a serious medical reason for wanting DC now and he is not respecting that.

I hope it works out for you op 💐

With the hindsight of age 60, I'd not toss away a relationship over the kid issue.
Better to be childfree with a decent partner than to be alone as one ages.

@BettyBardMacDonald this is true, but risk the man changes his mind later and leaves you to have children with a younger model.

If you decide to choose the man over having children, and agree to a childfree life together, I'd make sure it's a mutual decision and he has a vasectomy around the same time that my fertility door closed!

If you want kids you need to break up with him. Ideally a year ago but the second best time to do it is today.

I'm so sorry OP.

It's not easy but don't let him steal your opportunity to be a mother.

Thanks so much everyone for your support. We are not married or engaged but that’s because we are both not too interested in marriage. I don’t like the idea of the wedding day itself due to family tensions and being a bit of an introvert, and I don’t like the idea of being married as I don’t see the point really. I’m more well off than he is too so have nothing to gain financially from marrying. I think the main message from everyone im hearing is that we should separate, and I feel I’m just afraid to walk away from something that’s otherwise working well…he’s a lovely man and my best friend 😅🥹 but being a mother is like a niggling need I’ve always wanted that I know won’t go away. Thanks so much everyone for your stories and help 🥹🙏🏻

You need to break up with him.

He'll end up aging you out of your fertility.

But it was your own eggs you were wasting by not being sure, not someone else's.

I've heard this so often from friends. Men not ready to have children in their relationship would move on and decide the time is suddenly right in the next relationship and have multiple children. Don't wish to upset you but the time isn't right with you and who knows if it will ever be. Make positive plans - don't just wait for someone else.