What to do? Partner not ready for kids but I am

[Mary1234567]

I’m 34 and I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years. He’s 33. I have polycystic ovaries and have another health condition that makes me worry about fertility. I’ve always wanted kids and I’m becoming increasingly broody and anxious to start. My partner always said he wanted kids ‘some day’ but not yet. But when we met I thought that day would come quicker than it has. We’ve had a few tearful long conversations this week about it where he basically says he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake and then resent me or the baby (which I agree with.) my question is: what do I do? I don’t want to break up because I really love him, it’d be tough. I also worry that if I tried to start dating from 0 it might take me ‘a couple of years’ to find someone else anyway, so maybe I should just wait for him? But what if I waste all my fertile years and he never ends up sure. I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait? And if these don’t work or give us false hope, I’ll resent him for making me lose out. I feel lost and in a complete pickle. Any advice?

My post wasn’t about what is right or wrong to do in this situation, I said - in response to some posts - his position doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love her or doesn’t want a future with her. Whether or not OP wants to risk wasting her eggs is an entirely different, and indeed difficult, question.

Using a sperm donor as a single person feels so terrifying to me. I think you must be brave and have a lot of courage to do this, to go at it alone and not care what people say, if they judge me etc. I admire these women a lot. I’m not sure if I feel I’m too much of a coward to do it almost, but I hate the idea of being in the dating market desperate for a guy to father my kids so it would nice to think I could just seize hold of my own destiny and do it for myself. Feel conflicted and scared.

Have you spelled it out to him? I spelled it out to my partner when we were 32. I explained fertility, worst case scenario of miscarriages and ivf etc.... I said if we're not trying now, we're accepting that we might well not have children. And I asked if he was OK to decide that we might not ever have kids. He changed his mind quickly then. Good job as it took years to get pregnant! I think he just needed reality spelled out to him as he'd never thought hard about fertility before.

When I was in this situation I remember feeling that my partner probably didn’t love me enough to make that compromise. I had a sense that he might go on to have children with someone he loved deeply. He didn’t. I think that is because the person he loves deeply is himself and a child would have got in the way of that. Op, your partner’s vagueness is a form of lying, of keeping you hooked in. You deserve better

Op, this is not about love, really. We women are really trapped by ideas of love. It is about doing something that you only get one opportunity to do. If you don’t have a child you will be fine but I would counsel that you do everything in your power to try to do so right now because time is always running out and the longer you stay in the relationship the harder it will be for you down the line. It is ok that he isn’t ready (he might never be ready) but it really isn’t ok that is imposed on you. this is a big factor in a relationship and means that you are not right for each other at this point in time. Perhaps see a counsellor to help you get out. (I wouldn’t usually tell someone to do this but my own experience tells me that you need to be ruthless to get what you want and you will only be able to do that by leaving him.

I would leave. In my experience these men are never ready, until they are with someone new. Sorry but it's true.

Sadly there are a lot of 30-something women who get strung along by men who don't really want kids and waste their fertile years on them. My brother and his wife split up in a large part to do with the fact that he didn’t want kids. (Mid/late 30s.) A few years later, he met someone else and she got pregnant. He wasn’t best pleased at the time, but he quickly got over it and now absolutely loves being a dad. His ex-wife, who I’m still friendly with, never had a child of her own and was absolutely gutted about my brother becoming a father.

Imagine being 40 or 50. Will you have kids? Will you be with this man? Is it enough? Any regrets?

he’s being honest with you and you need to listen. Do you live together? If not walk away with kindness and say sadly you have different life hopes

Another few years. That's no good. And what if you hang about for another few years and he is off. No. I would end it now and move on. In 10 years he could move on meet somebody and have two or three children. Its very unlikely you will be able to do that.

A man of 33 years will know whether or not he wants children. He either doesn't want children or doesn't want to have them with you. Move on even if you don't meet another person, otherwise, you will be resentful.

Another future faker. Leave him. You don’t have a few more years to waste on someone who may not be ready then either.

Freeze some eggs if you can afford to, while you look for someone who wants what you do.

It may never be the right time for him. That’s the risk you take by staying.

And gently, it’s not his job to pay for your tests and treatment because he doesn’t want children yet. He has always been honest with you and doesn’t owe you anything.

Not wanting them and not being honest about it does!

If your OH doesn’t want a baby, you can’t get pregnant by a donor and expect the relationship to survive. You would still be bringing something they don’t want into their lives.

@Mary1234567 Have you told him this is a dealbreaker for you?

Worst advice I’ve heard in a long time.

I would start afresh OP. But if you stay I don’t see why he should pay for egg freezing - he doesn’t owe you children. And wouldn’t you still need his permission to attempt fertilisation?

Option 2…and he knows exactly what happened and leaves OP to go it alone anyway with the knowledge she’s a bit of a bitch.

I remain of the belief that men generally don’t have the same desire as women to be parents. So don’t agree it’s any of those things. He just doesn’t feel as strongly as OP does.

Either he doesn't care for you as much as he should, or he is thick

Utter bullshit. He doesn’t have to put OP’s fertility and feelings above his own when they conflict so fundamentally.

Forcing someone to unknowingly make you pregnant sounds creepy and abusive.

If he never wants that then fine, but don't deny a woman kids that's so cruel

its almost like OP doesn’t have any agency. Women aren’t entitled to the sperm of any man of their choosing

I mean men will gladly nut in you without protection and expect the onus to be on women. I’d hardly call getting pregnant abusive. That word gets thrown around so much it dilutes the meaning.

You seriously begin to look for a flat and look into donor sperm conception, with a timeline of moving out and being well on the way to pregnancy by the end of the year.

Don't make a secret of it to your partner, but don't have epic conversations about it or act like you are trying to threaten him - he has set his boundaries, you are just calmly and objectively setting yours and progressing your own life agenda.

If he was hoping to string you along as long as possible before settling down and maybe having kids/not fussed if it never happens, then he will either realise he is on the brink of losing you and re-evaluate his priorities sharpish, or he will double down on not wanting kids for years if ever and it will be sad and scary but you wont be wasting more of your limited time on a (lovely) dead end.

Any time I’ve ever let a man “nut in me” without protection I was was either totally certain of his commitment or simply wasn’t bothered either way. Take control of your own body and outcomes.

Okay good for you? I’m not saying women shouldn’t control their own outcomes, your tone sounds confused. I’m talking about men. Most of them will happily prioritise their sexual gratification and getting their end away whilst expecting all baby avoidant activities to be the responsibility of the woman. They’ll still gladly finish, birth control or not. So many men either don’t ask or are wilfully completely unaware of the woman’s birth control status.

If a woman wants to use protection and a man forces her to have sex without it, it is absolutely abuse. As is stealing someone’s DNA to coerce them into having a child they don’t want.