What to do? Partner not ready for kids but I am

[Mary1234567]

I’m 34 and I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years. He’s 33. I have polycystic ovaries and have another health condition that makes me worry about fertility. I’ve always wanted kids and I’m becoming increasingly broody and anxious to start. My partner always said he wanted kids ‘some day’ but not yet. But when we met I thought that day would come quicker than it has. We’ve had a few tearful long conversations this week about it where he basically says he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake and then resent me or the baby (which I agree with.) my question is: what do I do? I don’t want to break up because I really love him, it’d be tough. I also worry that if I tried to start dating from 0 it might take me ‘a couple of years’ to find someone else anyway, so maybe I should just wait for him? But what if I waste all my fertile years and he never ends up sure. I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait? And if these don’t work or give us false hope, I’ll resent him for making me lose out. I feel lost and in a complete pickle. Any advice?

Most of the time, at his age and given how long you've been together, not being ready for kids really seems to mean he doesn't think he'll be with you forever, and he's keeping his options open....

Or, a third option, stay and hope he changes his mind while coming to terms with the fact that he mightn’t?

Getting pregnant ‘on the sly’ is a despicable thing to do. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents.

It's fine for him to not want kids and it's fine for you to want them. But you can't wait on the off chance he might want to in a few years. He have the luxury of time he can leave it 10/15 years with no issues. You are potentially going to struggle to concieve. You need to be with someone who's all in with you. This man isn't.

‘At least for a few years’ is either code for ‘I don’t want children at all but the relationship meets my needs, so I’ll stuff you around until it’s probably too late’… or, it’s code for ‘I’m still a giant baby and have no idea if I’ll grow up’.

If children are that important to you, the writing is on the wall unfortunately.

Usually, they time you out, dump you and then have children with their new younger girlfriend. If you want children, you need to get on with it now, with him or without him.

@Mary1234567 Nahhh I would not wait for him sorry ! You’re 34 not 24 , you don’t have time to waste . For all you know you might have problems conceiving which would make you even older than you hoped for . Pcos makes it 10x harder to conceive as you don’t ovulate as often as someone who doesn’t have pcos . It’s a hard decision but you have to decide what’s best for you ! He won’t care as he can can kids even when he’s 45 , so he has lots of time .

These are important years for you regarding your fertility. Either he doesn't care for you as much as he should, or he is thick: he must know that when it comes to having children you have a ticking clock. I understand that he has a right to make a choice, but he needs to be honest with himself and let you go so that you can find someone who wants the same as you, and have the child you desire.

Honestly, I know it is easier said than done, but if you can get away from him do so as quickly as possible.

If OP wants children, she shouldn't waste the precious years at the back end of her fertile life staying with a man who may never come round if given the choice. Hence why option 2, whilst maybe not the most ethical, is still viable. Remove the illusion of choice and present them with the reality of a pregnancy. Most of them are quite happy to have unprotected sex. Who’s to say once presented with their living breathing offspring, that the child would not be wanted?

Sorry - I think he just doesn't want kids- anyone mid 30's who says they are not ready basically means they don't want them. I mean if you are 'not ready' by then you never will be. He needs to grow up a bit and just be honest- don't go for this in a 'few years' crap- I'd leave to be honest.

Your entire 30s will be wasted on this topic. It's hard but you have to leave him. Don't wait any longer. Leave him and plan for a sperm donor baby. If he ends up alone and doesn't change his mind after you leave him then that's what he wanted deep down.

Not wanting children doesn't make one a "giant baby."

@BettyBardMacDonald he is a giant baby if he can string along a woman mid 30s who wants a baby. Grow up and have the balls to make a decision. If he never wants that then fine, but don't deny a woman kids that's so cruel

Maybe he doesn't know what he wants. At 33, I certainly didn't. That made me an honest and sincere adult, not a baby.

OP is not chained to him. She is free to walk away at any time. Blaming him is absurd.

@BettyBardMacDonald you can't force anyone to want kids if they don't want. But she was over 30 and wanted kids then, you're already on a timeline but she has other issues. He said yes, someday. That doesn't mean when he is ready and partner is now too old to have a baby.

THIS. Especially this:

You seem to have glossed over the step of marriage. Given he's not proposed either, I really think that he's coasting in this relationship as it suits him for now, but isn't really up for commitment.

Don't let him string you along. Either you get married and have children, or you go it alone. Anything else is likely to end in heartbreak.

I left at 33, met someone new and had my first child at 36, second at 38. Ex is now 48 and still childless almost twenty years later. In my case, there were other complications in the first relationship. Ex was a lovely person, but with huge amounts of baggage and trauma from his own childhood which I could see made the idea of having children (and normal relationships) very difficult.

The thing is, there’s no guarantees in life and you could fail to get pregnant even with someone who wants kids. It’s a hard choice.

It is a gamble and you have to be aware and ready to live with the other outcome, that you end up without a family or partner and resolved that that actually isn’t the end of the world either.

To be honest, this was the one time in my life I had a bit of a messy cross over. I moved out and to a different city from my ex, but was still visiting him, but met someone online at the same time (who is now my husband). It made it much easier to let go when I knew I was already falling for someone else, but the original relationship was already unworkable.

You’re in a harder position as you’re not mentioning any other problems, however, unless he’s very stupid, stringing you along at your age is an incredibly selfish and duplicitous act in itself. If he says he wants children in the future, just not yet, what he’s really saying is he wants children with someone, just not you.

I think you should sit him down and say that it is a deal breaker for you. I started TTC at 31, finally got pregnant at 33, had a miscarriage (devastating at the time), but was pregnant again 3 months later. I had my two at 34 and 37.
With your age and health, if you don't get going now, with him or another, you may miss your chance. I know this is what you're trying to tell him - but you've got to end it if he doesn't realise the gravity of the situation

Sorry, if kids are important, then you need to leave, as he’s told you he doesn’t want them.

(The usual situation in this situation is, though, you find someone else and get married and have dc, and so does he, and within 18 months if meeting new gf, she’s pregnant. Don’t know why, it always happens.)

That is terrible advice.

My husband said similar so I said I wasn’t waiting around any longer and we would need to separate. He very quickly changed his mind.
Not saying yours will do the same but it seems that you’re not married and not on the same page regarding children so perhaps he’s just hanging on with you until something better comes along.
See if breaking up opens his mind. If not there is your answer

I left my ex at 32 for similar reasons. Together 6 years but he "wasn't ready" for marriage, kids or even to buy a house together. With hindsight, should have done it way sooner, but it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the forest...

I was lucky to meet my now DH at 33. We married at 34 and pregnant at 35. I knew what I wanted, so did he, and we fell hard for each other, built on a transparency and mutual respect that I now realise I've never had before.

Good luck with whatever you decide

You know you need to leave, but you are too frightened to. It's the same as many other big criteria - you're not at the same place in life. it's the same as if you meet somebody who's not ready to commit to you that much or doesn't want the quite the level of relationship that you want or doesn't want to get married or doesn't want to have kids or doesn't want this or doesn't want that - it's all the same thing, he's not in the same place as you and that's a fact.

you need to leave. and find somebody who is in the same place as you, wants the same thing as you, at the same time.

I'm with others on separating, he'll realise what he's going to lose and pull himself together quickly or you're giving yourself the opportunity to meet someone else rather than wasting any more time.
I met my DH at 35 and had DC at 37 and 39 (I had fertility concerns too but no problem conceiving at 36 and 38, second and first cycle respectively).

Whatever you decide to do (and that’s not an easy decision), don’t go down this rabbit hole of ‘he doesn’t really love me, he’s future faking, etc’, as so many people on MN always like to assume. I was nowhere near ready for children at your age, and I told my now husband when I was 36 that I needed more time. Not because I didn’t love him or didn’t see a future with him, he was always the love of my life, it was just as I said, I didn’t feel ready for a child and couldn’t make this decision without being 100% sure, regardless of my feelings for him.