What to do? Partner not ready for kids but I am

[Mary1234567]

I’m 34 and I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years. He’s 33. I have polycystic ovaries and have another health condition that makes me worry about fertility. I’ve always wanted kids and I’m becoming increasingly broody and anxious to start. My partner always said he wanted kids ‘some day’ but not yet. But when we met I thought that day would come quicker than it has. We’ve had a few tearful long conversations this week about it where he basically says he doesn’t feel he wants them atm, he doesn’t know when that’ll be but not for ‘ at least a few years’ he says he understands my time pressure and stress but he doesn’t want to just agree for my sake and then resent me or the baby (which I agree with.) my question is: what do I do? I don’t want to break up because I really love him, it’d be tough. I also worry that if I tried to start dating from 0 it might take me ‘a couple of years’ to find someone else anyway, so maybe I should just wait for him? But what if I waste all my fertile years and he never ends up sure. I’ve thought about asking him to pay for egg freezing and fertility tests - but then again, I don’t want to wait? And if these don’t work or give us false hope, I’ll resent him for making me lose out. I feel lost and in a complete pickle. Any advice?

I agree with this. But maybe he hasn't even yet reached that concrete realisation. On the other hand perhaps he has but is lying and stringing her along.

Whatever is going on in his head, she can't afford to let him waste any more of her time.

He is wasting your time and you need to leave.

He will just keep this going for years while you waste your opportunity to have a family.

Wishing you all the luck in the world, OP, in starting your family.

And still hoping that when you tell your partner you're leaving as you want to have children, it will be the jolt he needs to make up his mind.

I think this has been a really helpful thread, too, as so many people going through similar dilemmas.

Of course he is entitled not to want children, or to be ambivalent about them, but he is in a relationship with someone who wants them so he needs to be brave and upfront about the risk he is asking her to run so he can Hamlet about indecisively.

People have internal world models that influence everything from the decision to have children, timing, spacing, and gender preference. Often these are largely unconscious. They also have preferences for other things: rural or urban living. Pets or no pets. House vs flat. If it’s negotiable then in order to stay in this coupling he has to negotiate. If its non negotiable he has to be brave and admit that.

Life is going to happen while he makes other plans.

get pregnant on the sly

A person agreeing to intercourse who is under the impression that precautions are being taken has not given informed consent.

I agree. I was just disagreeing with the poster who said not wanting to have children with her means he doesn't love her.

For what it's worth, I know someone who broke up with her partner because she wanted children. He was a bit older and had children from a previous relationship and didn't want any more. He did change his mind and they got back together and had two children together. But she had to walk away to make him realise that he wanted to be with her enough to have more children.

Why should the onus be on the woman to prevent pregnancy? All she needs to do is inform him that she is not on any artificial hormonal contraception or iud and could potentially be fertile. Since he is eager to prevent any pregnancy let him be the one to ensure it doesn't happen.

I don't think you get it. It's not about the onus being on anyone, it's about having sex with someone under false pretences. Letting them think precautions are being taken when they aren't.

Good luck op. Just think - in 2 years time you might have met your ideal partner and have a baby on the way. The right one for you is out there

Dh best mate is newly single as he was playing his girlfriend along when she asked about TTC and saying yeah one day, yeah I'd love kids in the future etc etc. Then she started asking about timelines.

One day means no, he said that to DH, and that he wasn't ever going to have kids (planning a snip on the side) but didn't want her to leave.. dh told him he had until the end of the month to tell her or he would.

He never told her, but she left as he still wouldn't commit to a time frame. He is now heartbroken that she didn't love him enough to change her mind and all I think is thank god she had the sense to leave and not waste the rest of her 30s on him.

This happened to one of my friends. But the roles were reversed and he was the one wanting kids. It dragged on for over 10 years. He finally left her and found a younger woman to start a family with…he’s now an older father. Okay for him, because he’s a man and doesn’t have a biological clock. Not so easy for women.

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT but in your shoes, I'd leave.

The thing is that if you twisted his arm, he would most likely resent you.

I love my kids and I wanted them both but they are the hardest thing I've ever done. Unless you have millions and can use night nannies, it's YEARS of broken sleep and being needed all the time, and feeling burnt out and exhausted.

When things are shit, the easiest person to blame for your unhappiness is your partner - that's why divorces are so common.

You both have to 100% want it, or it's a veto.

He doesn't have all the power though - you can choose - do I want to have kids more than I want this relationship? If yes, then leave. If no - then take reasonable steps - get your fertility checked and maybe freeze some eggs or whatever your doctor advises - and stay in it, and value the relationship.

Don't let him decide for you though. One of my closest school friends dated a "not sure yet" guy for almost 10 years, 31-41. They were TTC when he was finally "ready" when she was 38, but it never happened. At 41, after the last round of IVF failed, he left her, saying the process had broken him. 6 months later he shacked up with a younger woman and now has 2 kids with her. It's taken years for my friend's MH to recover.

He has time to waste, but you don't. Make your choice, take control, take responsibility. However it shakes out you'll feel better if you take charge of your life, and don't wait around for him to decide for you. Best of luck

From what you have said that he's said about how he feels about having children - I genuinely think that he won't ever really want children. Which is probably why he gets upset about it.
But I do think you have to leave him and go it alone if you don't meet anyone else you can have a family with soon.

I said the OP was more rational than some of the poster this thread. That’s a fact. I don’t recall singling you or anyone else out for name-calling.

Scary how many women think this way. Kind of explains some of the shit fathers out there 🤷‍♀️

That's so utterly disingenuous I'm surprised you have the nerve to say it.

Men should never not take precautions, unless they're happy to accept a woman getting pregnant. If you wear a condom every time, you protect yourself not only from contraceptive failure on the woman's part, but also minimise the risk of contracting or passing on STDs.

Not at all disingenuous. Do you think I don’t have opinions on some of the other advice OP is getting. I’m actually interested in the thread as a whole. This is just an amusing little sideshow.

I bow to your intelligence and utter hilariousness.

You will never forgive him for stopping you from having children. If he changes his mind it might be too late or he'll feel you pressured him into it. I'd go get some fertility tests then figure out your priorities. There's time to meet someone but if you can afford to freeze eggs I would!

You need to leave.

I know two women who were very clear about wanting children, but their partners didn't feel ready, so both waited for their partners to feel like the time was right to TTC. Both relationships had started when they were mid-20s.

One got to the age of 40 and her partner was still saying 'not yet but soon'. Even when she pointed out it was now or never for her fertility, he wouldn't budge. She left. She tried several rounds of fertility treatment with donor sperm but sadly none worked. Her ex played around for a few years, and then had two children with a woman in her mid-30s.

The other finally got the go-ahead from her partner when she was 42. They ended up having to go through IVF - none of the rounds worked. He refused to consider fostering or adoption, and he left her because he'd decided he wanted a biological child and wasn't prepared to stay childless. He too went off and had a couple of children with a younger woman.

If you stay and never get the chance to TTC because he never feels ready, then it will destroy your relationship anyway, because you will resent having made such a sacrifice. Even if your partner doesn't actively seek to have children, there is nothing to say the next relationship after you will be as respectful of his wishes. If he's presented with an "oops baby" and ends up being very happy as a father, it's going to be a real kick in the teeth for you if you have given up your fertile years for him.

There are certain things in a relationship where compromise just isn't possible - and having children is one of them.