Daughter is having first overnight with her abusive father tonight..

[SantaFeSister]

How do you cope sending your kids for overnight contact with their father who is abusive?

Ex is very abusive. Long domestic abuse history and also abused DD as an infant. I left him and he took me to court. Family court for many years. Contact progressed very slowly now its at one night overnight. Dd was upset this morning and didn't want to go. She cried at handover. The court directed I may have a facetime with her on Saturday nights. I had this and she seemed in good spirits but told me she missed me and wants to come home tonight and not sleepover at daddy's.. he was standing there.
I miss her so much. I miss the smell of her hair, her breathing in the night, her sleepy cuddles (she still sleeps in with me) I've been slowly building her up by arranging sleepovers at friends for her to ease her in as she's never ever been away from me. I have seen her every single day of her life.

Does it get easier? It's the fact he's an abuser that makes it so very hard. I've kept busy today and met my girl group of friends for lunch. My best friend said I could stay over tonight at hers but I decided to come home as its just prolonging the inevitable.

Does it get easier?

how old is she?
shocking that he abused her and now has overnight

It will get easier for both of you, but keep a diary and detail any incidents or events that your daughter reports. It will be easier for you if you have to return to family court.

some people do change OP. Fingers crossed your ex is one of those, but for now, hold strong and keep busy and give your daughter a lovely happy welcome tomorrow when she comes home. No tears.

She's 6.
He hasn't changed in the slightest. He's abusive through and through.

The court is WRONG on this one. You can refuse to hand her over on safeguarding reasons. Don’t send her again.
Listen to this podcast I heard it yesterday it has all you need to know. The law is on your side you’ve clearly had a terrible solicitor or judge.
NEVER let her go there again

open.spotify.com/episode/57E0lKzB7Rn4AC4B1Oh8ct?si=bStJvdkgSe2MbWpsWYm-6A

Just to summarise it you can’t listen to it all;
court always has child’s best interests as the starting point.
you have main custody for a reason
you can refuse to send her next time overnight on the basis of her emotional distress this time
your child is too young to make emotionally mature decisions about whether her dad is safe but her reaction at going to stay was pure distress.
you are totally within your rights to refuse another overnight and court will not ‘punish’ you for this, you’re not breaking any laws. AT ALL

ps sorry just another comment which might sharpen your resolve. Shes so young now and doesn’t understand what’s happening but if bad things happen at daddy’s she could grow up to resent you for sending her there (I did with my mother but it was an abusive uncle not dad, but she sent me every time even though I begged and cried not to go. She wasn’t like you though she didn’t care she wanted me out so she could go out shagging. But a child’s view is so different to the adults view.

your job is to keep her SAFE - emotionally and physically.

let this be the first and last time she has prolonged contact with this abusive man.

Sorry to post again but this situation has stopped me in my tracks with shock.

I’d go and get her now if I was you tbh. If she says she wants to come home he should be allowing that.
court would not disagree with that.
if your daughter has FaceTimed you from a friends sleepover and said I want to come home you’d have got her: ‘dad’ is no different. You have PR and you can go and get her now if that’s what she’s asked for.

Go and get her

She wants to come home

She’s 6!

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, personally I’d just refuse and self refer to social services & the police if necessary that he’s abusive to both you and your child and he is not a fit person to care for your child.

The court is wrong on this, so wrong.

You know he's abusive.
The courts know he's abusive.

Not being detrimental to you as it seems the situation is beyond your control but how on earth can a six year old be forced to spend time with an abusive man, when she doesn't want to be there.

She'll be damaged beyond belief by this experience.

Please do something to protect your child.

Absolutely shocking that the court has granted him access.

I wouldn’t go and get her now because if he refuses to let her come it’s going to make her distressed / even more upset. Refuse to let her go next time.

I’ve been in your shoes, it went on for years. Keep busy, try to put it out if your mind. That’s what worked for me.
Women’s Aid can also offer advice and might assign a support contact.

I’m sorry to say the courts do this routinely, they do not care. OP could get in significant trouble if she is deemed to be blocking contact.

Keep a log of everything negative that occurs. Hopefully he will get bored.

Get her picked up.
She is 6 and wants to come home.
Let her

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this too and I’m so angry on OPs behalf on this, surely the person in significant trouble should be the abusive person? If as a parent you’re protecting your child from an abuser that can only be the right thing to do?

I’d call the police on him the second I knew he’d done a single thing.

I don’t want to hijack the op’s thread but this simply isn’t like tv. You can’t stop contact because the other parent was abusive. And having loads of people telling you “I’d just pick them up / refuse to send” is really cruel. If that was an option op wouldn’t be in this position tonight.

I expect the op presented all the evidence in court. Court is officially there to put the child first but they operate in cloud cuckoo land. They think having both parents involved is in the child’s best interest and literally ignore evidence showing parents are abusive.

bide your time op, make sure you have a good solicitor and keep a record. Sending you a hug.

I always planned a low key but cosy evening for Sunday to help settle dc back in to home and provide lots of opportunities for them to talk to you.

This is what I'm doing. She tells me all the unkind comments he makes about me.. she's so astute she won't believe him.

It's very hard when it's court ordered. My hands are tied. Cafcass have threatened me twice with transfer of residence to him if I can't be seen to promote contact and accept him. I will never accept him but if I don't stick by the order I'll get in trouble. Of course I want to go there right now and scoop her up and bring her home. She sounded so despondent :(

You are doing the right thing. Play the game, support your DD and make sure she stays with you.
Hopefully school are sensible and understand what’s happening and will keep their eyes open.

You are so strong op! I hope you are able to get some sleep

Don't show your daughter how upset you are over contact. It's hard but you need her to be confident in voicing any concerns. The fact that she was comfortable telling you she wanted to come home in front of her dad is good - my son wouldn't dare say this in front of his abusive dad (thankfully family court have said no to overnights in my case, for now, but they did initially order overnight stays). Keep a record of everything and treat yourself to a night out/visit a friend/do something you can't do when you have your child, when they're with dad. It does get easier.

Are you serious? Why are you letting this happen? She doesn’t want to go, he’s abusive and she’s six!!!

Sorry just read your other comments. There surely must be something you can do to challenge the decision? It is utterly crazy.

How can someone be so loudly obnoxious and yet so wrong.
What is actually wrong with you?

@EvangelistaSister you have no idea.

OP I went through something similar it was awful, hang in there and keep playing the game. Eventually the court ruled no contact with the father and finally we were free

Sorry but this advice is really contradictory to very expensive legal advice I was given and from everything I’ve learned - the courts are simply not as you say and the OP could be seen to be alienating her daughter from her (abusive) father. In this situation many don’t have the legal choice you are making out they have?

I would just never ever let this happen to my child but then Ive never been in that situation . So I apologise if I was overly strident.

OP I really feel for you. It DOES get easier , it’s absolutely the worst position to be put in and I hope the law changes eventually. Your daughter sounds smart and bold, which is great. You are doing great and she’ll thank you for doing all you could one day

Again. What the hell is wrong with you?

You have a child? You passed your lack of intelligence onto a new generation to be suffered by society?

JFC