Daughter is having first overnight with her abusive father tonight..

[SantaFeSister]

How do you cope sending your kids for overnight contact with their father who is abusive?

Ex is very abusive. Long domestic abuse history and also abused DD as an infant. I left him and he took me to court. Family court for many years. Contact progressed very slowly now its at one night overnight. Dd was upset this morning and didn't want to go. She cried at handover. The court directed I may have a facetime with her on Saturday nights. I had this and she seemed in good spirits but told me she missed me and wants to come home tonight and not sleepover at daddy's.. he was standing there.
I miss her so much. I miss the smell of her hair, her breathing in the night, her sleepy cuddles (she still sleeps in with me) I've been slowly building her up by arranging sleepovers at friends for her to ease her in as she's never ever been away from me. I have seen her every single day of her life.

Does it get easier? It's the fact he's an abuser that makes it so very hard. I've kept busy today and met my girl group of friends for lunch. My best friend said I could stay over tonight at hers but I decided to come home as its just prolonging the inevitable.

Does it get easier?

please ignore all my comments I’m clearly wrong.

In my limited experience the Courts would be more interested in ensuring you complied with the order than the reason you refused to give access. So if you refuse, all the focus will be on making you comply and that might include increased access for your abusive ex. The Courts will say they have already considered all the issues and made the order. So unless there is something very significantly different that you have evidence of, you have to comply. If there is something very significant, you go back to Court.
Often abusive ex use this as an extension of power and control, so Grey Rocking can work to an extent. You really do have to work with the system or it can get even worse for everyone. Doesn't make it any less traumatic in my (limitted) experience, though. Take care of yourself too, not just your daughter.

Sorry but you’re delusional if you think family courts look at evidence objectively. In my experience they rarely look 👀 at anything. I’m sure there are some good people and courts but too many of us (children and parents - overwhelmingly mums) have been badly let down by the system. I had hard evidence in black and white it made no difference. I went back to ss it made no difference, school reported dad to ss it made no difference.
The only thing that stopped this, was DC reaching an age where they couldn’t be ignored by cafcas and even then the judges still spoke about how good it would be to have dad involved with DC - and this was after the cafcas section 7!

hope you are doing ok today op x

I agree with your thoughts about people being let down by the system in the face of clear and indisputable evidence, but think it’s unfair to say it is overwhelmingly mothers.

In my experience of supporting my partner through the courts against an abusive ex, and everyone I met along the way, I saw a huge amount of bias against good dads who were watching their kids being weaponised and alienated by Mums and were being let down by an outdated ‘mother knows best’ system. A good friend is currently watching her partner’s ex withhold and alienate his kids and demand more and more maintenance. We were lucky in that my partner’s ex exposed her real self to cafcass and was master of her own undoing in the end, but many experience a horribly biased system whether it’s against the mum or the dad.

i don’t wish any offence to anyone who has their own lived experience, but this is mine.

@KhakiShaker you have one experience which has made you biased. It can’t be disputed that it’s overwhelmingly mothers who suffer this injustice, because the figures say so! ESPECIALLY when dealing with abuse, which is what this is about. And frankly, I’d like to hear your partner’s ex’s side of the story because all too often the “crazy ex” story is trotted out to take the onus of the father’s abuse - and guess what? The family and new partners lap it up.

It may well be different in your case, but please note is the absolute exception. And OP is talking about documented, serious abuse

So if she is in reception now, she must have been a baby when he strangled her That must have left bruises? Did you go to the police. Was he charged?

In my experience of supporting my partner through the courts against an abusive ex

i would have guessed this was your involvement in your one experience of the family courts

I saw a huge amount of bias against good dads who were watching their kids being weaponised and alienated by Mums and were being let down by an outdated ‘mother knows best’ system.

how the heck did you know this @KhakiShaker ?

@Slattern77 it isn’t even her case.

Its her partner’s case

I appreciate all the advice. But preventing contact isn't an option. As many have said, the Court have decided he's safe enough for her to now have overnights.

I applaud and I'm proud of DD for being brave to say she wanted to come home. I'm certain she'll tell me if anything happens or is wrong if she's at her dad's. I'm just sad it's just so difficult still. Basic communication with him is awful. It's his way or the high way. He refuses a lot of things then has a way of manipulating the situation to make you look like the unreasonable one. I accept he's DDs dad, but in my mind I'll never ever respect him as a dad or as a person and I need coping mechanisms such as advice to stop contact as believe me that won't be the answer.

DD already sees bits of his behaviour. She tells me every time before she sees him "don't tell daddy but I'll always love you the most mummy" I know she knows where home is.

The only thing that really helps me op is to keep telling yourself that it won't always be like this. Although it feels like you can't manage years of this you can and one day they will be old enough to choose. It's a horrible way to live wishing their lives away but all you can do is make sure you are doing what you need to to support and protect your child as much as you can.

"don't tell daddy but I'll always love you the most mummy"
Poor kid .At 5 and a half is already learning how to appease 2 parents!

@SantaFeSister I assume that your DD is home with you now. Is she OK?

DD is home. She burst into tears as soon as she got in the car. She's told me some very concerning things. I don't know where to go with this. She's told me she hated staying over and he was horrible and she doesn't want to go again.

I said it initially but was told I was wrong…but I’m going to say it again: you’re within your rights to safeguard her emotional wellbeing. Document all she says. Write EVERYTHING DOWN. And please listen to this podcast; it may give you some hope.

open.spotify.com/episode/57E0lKzB7Rn4AC4B1Oh8ct?si=BXWWCT8lQEyxkukE4XQ9-w

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4K1mdTm4aBqgQAwmJj3vVt?si=V1u0iDgsSjqpvSId8WcMEQ

you also said you were wrong

There's a law against him trying to turn him against you via horrible comments.

I think its called parental alienation...?

If she can speak infront if a judge about what he's said, he nay lose custody arrangements.

I'd never stop fighting to have my child kept away from him.

I don't think you can ignore this op. I'm sorry I don't have any legal advice but this is your child and you have to protect her. Could children's services offer any help?

I’m so sorry OP. Can you go to your GP to discuss and explain that it is causing you massive stress and worry. And could you talk to someone in social services about your concerns?

That was as a result of being bullied by people convinced they knew better. Much like the court system. For the love of god listen to that podcast. It’s a plain talking uk legal expert explaining your rights and if you listen to it it will arm you with the facts you need to fight this nonsense and not be bullied by the system.

bullied?

good grief

bandying a word like that around on this kind of thread no less - insensitive to say the least

I do wonder why people like you bother commenting pulling other well meaning and helpful people apart in such a way. ‘You’
also said you were wrong? Why do that? Why comment in such a way? Why pull me apart instead of offering OP help?

so…. if the court order is “upheld”

then what?

unbelievable

you say how you were accused of being wrong
you posted that you withdrew all your comments as you were wrong
you backtrack

and i point out that you said you were wrong

and then you get in a tizzy about being bullied

in short - your advice is wrong, reckless and dangerous.

“pull you apart”

seriously, quit the hyperbole