Daughter is having first overnight with her abusive father tonight..

[SantaFeSister]

How do you cope sending your kids for overnight contact with their father who is abusive?

Ex is very abusive. Long domestic abuse history and also abused DD as an infant. I left him and he took me to court. Family court for many years. Contact progressed very slowly now its at one night overnight. Dd was upset this morning and didn't want to go. She cried at handover. The court directed I may have a facetime with her on Saturday nights. I had this and she seemed in good spirits but told me she missed me and wants to come home tonight and not sleepover at daddy's.. he was standing there.
I miss her so much. I miss the smell of her hair, her breathing in the night, her sleepy cuddles (she still sleeps in with me) I've been slowly building her up by arranging sleepovers at friends for her to ease her in as she's never ever been away from me. I have seen her every single day of her life.

Does it get easier? It's the fact he's an abuser that makes it so very hard. I've kept busy today and met my girl group of friends for lunch. My best friend said I could stay over tonight at hers but I decided to come home as its just prolonging the inevitable.

Does it get easier?

It’s not something you can “never let happen to your child”! That’s still so ignorant and offensive to everyone this has happened to you. No you haven’t been in this situation, so please don’t make that comment

The police don’t care! They literally do not care and it’s so hard to prove

I know it sounds counterintuitive but I would take comfort from the phone call and her telling you she wanted to come home in front of her father. This suggests her reaction to her changing circumstances is more around the change itself and coping with that than fear of his abusive nature. I was in a similar situation as a child and I NEVER would have dared to say anything remotely like that in front of my father. I now work in the system, and by 6, most children are sufficiently fearful of an abusive parent that they walk on eggshells to avoid triggering the abusive parent. He is obviously a royal dickhead if he is saying negative things about you to her, but I’d try take comfort from the fact her behaviour suggests she isn’t fearful of him. It’s a low bar, I know :(

Sorry, you’re wrong. OP will never be punished by the courts for putting her child’s safety first. This is something I was also led to believe until I was told differently by a good lawyer. Listen to the podcast link I shared further up the thread if you don’t believe me. Court have NO power to punish mum for protecting her child.

Sorry OP but I am seeing things from the other side.
What do you mean by Dad has abused her? This is a very broad and subjective allegation.
I am guessing that he has gone through the usual process of supervised access, to the odd day here and there, for the court to have now reached overnight stays. This shows some dedication to his child on his part, and presumably so far everything has gone well?
The court has granted access, they wouldn't do this if he had seriously harmed her in any way. He is her Father, I assume he must have PR too, and unfortunately children say they don't want to do lots of things, but at 6, she has to do as she is told!
You cannot just go and get her! At this time of night, imagine the distress this will cause to your daughter! She may well be settled in now and, shock horror, perhaps she is enjoying herself. Or it may take some tume for her to get used to this new routine with her Dad, but you must at least give this a chance. It is her first night, she is bound to be a bit unsettled, that is the way it goes. No wonder she doesn't want to go, she is picking up negative vibes from you! But she may well begin to enjoy her new relationship with Dad if you gently encurage and support her in this.
If you do not follow that court order, and Dad isn't a danger to your daughter, you risk losing residency altogether. Extreme but it can and does happen.
So all those idiots above giving you that advice need to bare this in mind!
The court has ordered you to send her to her Dads. You have facetimed her so obviously Dad has allowed this. He could have refused if he wanted to be really spiteful.
You may well be working your daughter up as children pick up on parental anxiety. She is 6, and it is very normal for children to go and spend a night or two with their non resident parent at this age.
You, as her Mother, should be able to go a night without sniffing her hair or listening to her breathe in her sleep, she is not a six month old baby and it sounds as though your extreme attachment issues are making this transition even more nerve wracking for your poor daughter.
Your ex partner is allowed the chance to be a Dad. Even if he made a truly rotten partner. Lots of women forget this, when they conceive a child, that there are TWO parents and they are both as valid as each other.
Your daughter is not your sole property.
The courts have also decided Dad is safe and able enough to care for your daughter and that she deserves a chance to forge a relationship with him. Now you have that court order, try and put your issues aside for everyones sake.

@SNMummy2024 have you ever been in an abusive relationship out of interest?
have you ever seen your partner abuse his child?
hsve you got any experience of the court system? Or social services? As there are good decision makers and bad ones within it.

@SNMummy2024 ?! Are you an abusive father per chance? This is tone deaf and way off the mark… this mother has done all she can to prepare her daughter for a night at her ABUSIVE (to the DD not “just” the mother) fathers house. It’s a terrible thing they are going through, and you decide to side with the arsehole father?!

I fail to believe the police wouldn’t care if you rang 999 and said your child is in the care of a person who is abusing them, and I know social services are pushed but shouldn’t they be obliged to investigate claims of child abuse, no matter who is being investigated?

Sure, mum won’t be punished if she puts the child’s safety first by going and collecting a child who is in an imminently dangerous situation. The courts are not going to view a child who ‘seems upbeat but asked to come home’ as being in need of protection. A 6-year old wanting to return to their primary carer would be viewed as entirely normal, even in situations where the other parent is loving and capable.

How on earth did he get overnight access when there’s a long history of domestic abuse? Especially as he abused her as well (I’m praying that it wasn’t sexually).

As PP’s have said, it’s good that she FaceTimed you as it shows that she’s not too scared to do this. I hope she’s OK when you pick her up. 💐

I’m afraid it’s not that simple. I have been through this. OP has been through the courts. Unless it’s a new case, the police will not handle this at all.

I do have experience of the court system, and I work with families and children under 5, so I hear of other people's experiences all the time.

I have never been in an abusive relationship although my brother has been, lots of arguing and fighting from both sides but despite his ex wife's awful attempts at alienating him, he now has sole custody of their two boys. A lot of men are fantastic parents, even if two parents are inherently bad for each other.
I myself was very careful when choosing the Father of my two children, so no, I have never seen him abuse them.

yes you absolutely can stop contact if you’ve got safeguarding concerns. Then cafcass will get involved again, talk to all parties including the child, check it out, and amend the order accordingly if concerns are upheld. But they will NEVER punish mum for doing this if they’re not upheld. They’ll just go back to the original order.

Well done you for being so ‘careful’ in choosing your child’s dad. That sounds so patronising on the OP.
I suspect you might be slightly projecting your own experiences of a bad SIL here which possibly isn’t helpful on OP either.
Working with under 5s….i should hope you’d have much more understanding of the child’s view here so I’m shocked.

“I myself was very careful when choosing the Father…”

This says everything. How dare you imply others weren’t?! You’re just lucky your carefully chosen “father” didn’t turn from a seemingly normal guy into an abusive prick once you were pregnant/had a child.

The ignorance on this thread is astounding but your final paragraph takes the biscuit. JFC!

Yes but the point im trying to make is the court can not and will not punish mum for doing what she believes is in her best interests.
They will firstly seek to establish why, mum can explain why, it will be looked at again, and the order will be adjusted or upheld accordingly.

Just my opinion.

Knew I was going against the grain big time when I posted my original comment and expected a load of angry replies!

Thank goodness we have the family courts, and thank goodness they look at all evidence objectively before coming to a rational decision. Rather than taking Mum's word for it on a Mumsnet post that a Father has been abusive before condemning him and denying him the chance to be a parent.

I was the same, ds was 6 when he first started going overnight to his dad, who had been abusive. It does get better, once ds got to 12, he voted with his feet & refused to go, at that age, the courts wouldn't have made him go. Keep a log of anything that happens, has the final order been made, or have you another court hearing?

Will it help to make videos every time she protests about going? And recording the face times. I can't believe the Family Courts. They are such shits.

@KaleQueen I'm afraid you're very wrong. My abusive ex (due to an absolutely horrific Cafcass officer) was awarded majority custody. She was unbelievably "Father bias" despite the overwhelming evidence. I invested literally thousands in attempt to protect my beautiful boys but it was futile. Over a decade on now and I have had no choice but to some sort of acceptance. The family courts failed my sons. They failed to protect me too.
Unfortunately I am not alone.
OP I understand and I'm sorry.

@Hellodarknessmyfriend Your poor sons, are they OK? Can they choose where they live now?

@BruFord They're OK(ish) thank.you; I've tried so hard to be a constant for them but of course that hasn't been easy when their father (who made it perfectly clear that if I ever dared to leave I would be severely "punished") has been able to have so much influence over them.
The Court Order is until 16, which now one son is. But the answer is still a rather complex no. Go against my ex-husband and there will be severe consequences. The boys are acutely aware of this because they saw their father almost destroy me.
But as I say, I've rebuilt my life as best I can and hold some faith that one day, one happy day, my sons will find the courage to leave just as I did, and I will be here waiting for them with open arms ❤️

"So all those idiots above giving you that advice need to bare this in mind!"

😆
Oh the irony. What a bullshit post from start to finish. Some people just want to blame women for everything while sticking up for abusive men. Such people really should shut the fuck up, because they don't have any idea what they're talking about.

You’re very brave @Hellodarknessmyfriend.