Daughter is having first overnight with her abusive father tonight..

[SantaFeSister]

How do you cope sending your kids for overnight contact with their father who is abusive?

Ex is very abusive. Long domestic abuse history and also abused DD as an infant. I left him and he took me to court. Family court for many years. Contact progressed very slowly now its at one night overnight. Dd was upset this morning and didn't want to go. She cried at handover. The court directed I may have a facetime with her on Saturday nights. I had this and she seemed in good spirits but told me she missed me and wants to come home tonight and not sleepover at daddy's.. he was standing there.
I miss her so much. I miss the smell of her hair, her breathing in the night, her sleepy cuddles (she still sleeps in with me) I've been slowly building her up by arranging sleepovers at friends for her to ease her in as she's never ever been away from me. I have seen her every single day of her life.

Does it get easier? It's the fact he's an abuser that makes it so very hard. I've kept busy today and met my girl group of friends for lunch. My best friend said I could stay over tonight at hers but I decided to come home as its just prolonging the inevitable.

Does it get easier?

This sounds very stressful and concerning for you OP

if the things your dd has disclosed today are things like emotional or physical abuse (or anything that people get referred to children’s social care for) then you need to raise these with children’s social care. (Depending on where you are it will be via your local authority on their website and called something like the MASH or the front door.) do this at 9am tomorrow unless she is still at risk now.

before you do this, make some notes so you can explain clearly. E.g. summary of the concerns from her today and an overview of recent court stuff, his conduct etc

I would also alert the school and try to confide in someone who can support you such as a trusted friend or your mum.

sorry to ask but is your driving physically hurt or injured? If so you need to call the police and also consider if she needs medical treatment.

try not to think too far ahead as it’s overwhelming- all the what if’s etc.

Stay strong, look after yourself

alerting the school about your concerns is good advice

**dd not driving sorry x

I’d get one of those stuffed Teddy toys with a built in nanny cam & audio recording device that can be activated by her squeezing its paw. So she can record him anytime he is being mean. That way you can collect evidence of abuse.

Can you get in touch with CAFCASS and repeat what she said and ask them to speak to her? They can then pass on the relevant information to the courts.

I have been in a position of having to go to court, but unlike you my ex was given no contact.

I think if I was you I would get a solicitor ASAP) I know they are impossibly expensive but remortgage your house if you need too! And I don't say that lightly it was the expertise of a solicitor that got my result fit me

I would report to police if what she said could be linked to abuse and finally I would not let her go there again until the case had been reheard. Did you appeal the decision?

So sorry you are both going through this x

I would start by speaking to school in the morning (ask for safeguarding lead). They can get the police involved and speak to your dd. This way you are doing it with purely her input and hopefully it may be enough to put a stop to him seeing her. I am sorry you are going through this x

Wow...arguing amongst yourselves is really helping OP isn't it...

This is...not about you.

I hope your DDs school as a decent safeguarding person who she will open up to.

I'm sorry I don't have advice, I am just so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter.

I can't believe the insensitivity of a pp judging you for wanting to hug her, smell her hair, hold onto to her. I would feel absolutely the same in your situation.

My only small bit of advice is try to get your daughter to be the one describe what happened at the overnight rather than getting you to relay it. I know that is SO hard as you just want to protect her and not have her put in the spotlight but long-term it may help end this.

All the advice from conflicted2023 is spot on. He needs to see that you're 'not bothered' by his contact. Grey rock all the way - fake it til you make it, & keep notes of dates/times of things your child tells you in case you need it. If he sees it doesn't bother you & in fact that you are enjoying your 'free time' he'll lose interest. Stay strong, your baby is probably tucked up at home now.

I apologise sincerely to the OP.
I can see my comment was rightly deleted. I didn’t see the reply before it was also deleted.
Sorry OP. This didn’t help you at all and I feel awful.
But please don’t lose hope. There is hope. Please do listen to that podcast it’s so balanced and led by two psychologists experienced in abuse, interviewing an expert in family law who has an impressive track record. Wishing you the very best of luck and I will now dip out and refrain from commenting further. My apologies again and keep fighting for what you know is best xx

First thing tomorrow ill be speaking to the safeguarding lead at her school. I'm not sure if DD will confide in any teacher or adult at school if spoken to alone. I can't say what she disclosed as its very outing but it's along the lines of punishment by starvation for the whole day and also forcing her to sleep in the bed next to him with him only wearing brief type underpants.. I'm horrified tbh. There's other awful things she's told me tonight too..

I'm worried because cafcass have been very critical of me and I've so far stuck to the order for contact religiously.. cafcass have threatened me with a transfer of residence if I can't positively promote contact. One of my best friends who is a solicitor told me to go above the cafcass Guardians head to her manager but I just feel so stuck. I'm in an impossible situation. Of course I have to protect her and I will but unless I get an urgent variation of the court order I don't know what else I can do.

That must be absolutely heartbreaking to hear OP. I'm so sorry this is happening to your DD, it's unbelievable the courts would grant this visitation.
I suppose you have to just record what she has said and report it to whoever will listen.
Your DD sounds like a very strong little girl. ❤️

I can't believe what I'm reading OP. I just feel so awful for you, and your DD. What an impossible situation for you both.
I think the secret filming bear thing one of the previous posters suggested, or maybe a recording device hidden in the lining of her bag or coat or something might be a good idea. That way you have evidence, rather than just your word.

I know.. but the thought of him finding it and punishing her doesn't bear thinking of.

Thinking of you OP. Glad your BF is a solicitor though she hopefully can navigate you through some of it or help you see through all the jargon to get you the result you need.

Big huge hug OP. Stay strong, you are doing everything right and brilliantly for your DD. I really hope she’ll speak to someone at school about it and best of luck with CAFCASS too.

your daughter co-sleeps with you at home, so I am not sure that is particularly concerning.
What was he punishing her for? If it was not eating her dinner and the demanding something else, that isn't a big deal either.
I think the not speaking to anyone else on her own ( without you, I suppose you mean), might be seen as evidence of you coaching her.
Be very careful, op.you might make things worse

She co sleeps with me voluntarily and I dress appropriately in bed.

She didn't want to sleep in the bed with him but he made her.

@SantaFeSister He was wearing underwear/pj shorts? What does he normally sleep in?
We are a bedsharing family so this isn't a criticism btw.
Where did daughter want to sleep?

Dear op, I read your posts this morning and my heart went out to you. I was hoping it would be ok from your daughter but what’s happened to her over the weekend is horrifying. Please document everything tomorrow morning and go to your solictor as well as the school. I hate that Cafcass have such support for abusive men. We all know the statistics that abusive men rarely change yet they put them in their hands time anc time again. The sexual undertones of how she slept in his bed make me feel sick. It’s the context of it as he hasn’t been in her life for years so it’s not a natural thing for her to seek comfort co-sleeping with him. getting a counsellor involved via school if you can will also help your case. Sending you a hug x

Op said Dd didn’t want to share a bed with him.