Daughter is having first overnight with her abusive father tonight..

[SantaFeSister]

How do you cope sending your kids for overnight contact with their father who is abusive?

Ex is very abusive. Long domestic abuse history and also abused DD as an infant. I left him and he took me to court. Family court for many years. Contact progressed very slowly now its at one night overnight. Dd was upset this morning and didn't want to go. She cried at handover. The court directed I may have a facetime with her on Saturday nights. I had this and she seemed in good spirits but told me she missed me and wants to come home tonight and not sleepover at daddy's.. he was standing there.
I miss her so much. I miss the smell of her hair, her breathing in the night, her sleepy cuddles (she still sleeps in with me) I've been slowly building her up by arranging sleepovers at friends for her to ease her in as she's never ever been away from me. I have seen her every single day of her life.

Does it get easier? It's the fact he's an abuser that makes it so very hard. I've kept busy today and met my girl group of friends for lunch. My best friend said I could stay over tonight at hers but I decided to come home as its just prolonging the inevitable.

Does it get easier?

I was ordered to send two kids one was breastfeeding 7 month old 2 back to back overnights with his abusive father. I left the man because he hurt our dd. Going to the police when he continues the abuse in public places with cctv and they wouldn't even listen to me just said take it back to family court. Family court needs that police investigation to prove the risk.

Absolutely horrible system

When I started working during his contact he then started cancelling last minute to mess me up. If he knows I have a social event on he will cancel. His mum actually looked after the kids and now he has a new partner to do it for him and she actually is very good with them. Contact dropping off now as I've been grey rock for a while and he only wanted contact to reduce his maintenance (said this in court!) and continue the abuse to me.

So my advice is grey rock method. And give him the impression you are using contact as childcare for work or social. If he thinks he can mess you life up more by cancelling contact that may work

@KaleQueen the courts do not agree with the mother re the father
so they would not support this at all

@PurpleBugz great points…. my abusive ex just TOLD me he needed to watch the England game at 5 so would be dropping DC back before then. I said I had plans and he said “you’ll be back by then”.

So yeah, OP, if he thinks he’s fucking yo your schedule etc, he’ll be keen to drop back early/cancel contact I’m sure

Purple, that's true - the more I gave my ex the impression that I was delighted to have a break, the less keen he was on insisting on his full time with dd. If he thought I was distressed to hand her over, I could see his satisfaction. Grey rock is a good strategy.

In my case, the order was made to 18, and it was also written in the order that the children would never have competency because of the lies told to them at a young age by mother.

To the PP who doesn't seem to believe in women being abused, they weren't lies. We had cctv from a soft play, physical marks on the children, and video recordings made by friends - none of which were allowed in court.

DD refused to go once she reached secondary and to attend would involve her catching two buses and a two hour journey to get to and from school. Ex stopped CM and said if I chased the CM then he would return to court and take the children. Then Covid happened and he stopped bothering to collect DS too.

are you the mother or the father?

@trextape mother. (I was quoting the order.)

Yikes, daffodil, that sounds awful. Glad to hear that in practice the contact did stop in the end despite the order.

I’m so sorry to hear that. There are good and there are terrible decision makers in this system.
But if this mum wants to go against the order because of genuine safeguarding concerns she can and won’t be punished.
the concerns would be investigated then it would be taken from there.

the court gave your ex 50/50 and ruled you were being abusive and said that due to the lies you told, the child would never have competency

i can’t get my head around this

but you fail to understand or even grasp that the court DISAGREES with the mother re the father and safe guarding

so they won’t support this

@trextape it was horrific. Even being hit during a court ordered handover (causing an injury needing A&E) was me being abusive to the children by allowing the children to witness it.

As was, allowing the children to report being strangled by him to the police, not having photos of their father in the house, DD running away and going missing during contact, and encouraging (I wasn't there, I didn't know them really, they just filmed a situation getting out of hand) other children to film DD being hurt.

Sorry but you are so wrong in what you're saying, even though that would make perfect sense it is not reality, the court are aware of the safeguarding issues and have still ordered this contact, unless a new incident happens and she can report that she has no grounds to stop contact now it's been ordered.

It's excruciating for you op, I remember when mine were little and I had to send them. Ex took ds 6 away, ignored him, didn't apply sun cream and he came back raw. Please go with your instinct which will mirror your dd's.. don't send her next time.

so you should know better with your advice

Trextape

"so you should know better with your advice"

Wtf?!

telling her just to not send the children

you should know better

@SantaFeSister this may be naive but do you have avenue to return to court, perhaps with a better solicitor?

I understand you can request a change of cafcass officer, particularly if you have evidence and reports from the contact centre in your favour. Of course it doesn’t mean you’ll get it but it’s worth a try surely? Anything is worth a try? I supported my partner through family court and we were fortunate in that the cafcass officer saw through the abusive mother - good cafcass officers DO exist despite social services and police being rubbish.

in the meantime I’d second the advice to take comfort from the fact your daughter has said she wants to come home in front of her dad. My partner’s son would NEVER say this in earshot of his mother. Your daughter is working on her instincts, and she wouldn’t risk dad hearing that if she was frightened of him.

i also think the grey rock advice is good. He wants to wind you up, and is getting his kicks out of it. Don’t let him, take his fun away.

Trextape

"so you should know better with your advice"

Wtf?!

"telling her just to not send the children

you should know better"

I do not know better. If I had my time again I would never have sent them to be abused. I can't believe anyone would say otherwise.

Safeguarding concerns have already been considered by the court and dismissed, so this is bad advice. OP would be considered in the wrong for withholding child from dad on the basis of evidence already investigated and not upheld , which won’t help OP’s case and could result in daughter spending more time with dad. OP would be better off grey rocking dad whilst appealing to court, if this hasn’t been done already.

i will give you benefit of doubt that you didn’t read the courts do not have any safeguarding concerns and actively went contact to increase between child and ex

so of course they won’t support this and will come down hard… on the OP

I would agree with letting your ex thinking you relied on his time with your child so you could work / go out etc. He will delight in letting you down.
My dc told my ex at 8 yrs old that they only ever wanted one night at a time and he accepted that ( this was a man who went to prison twice for his abuse of me) and was investigated twice by sw for abuse of dc. Contact stopped a Yr or so later, so don't despair, it may not go on for ever. Incidentally my dc has some good memories of his father ( he later killed himself in yet another if you leave me I'll kill myself emotional blackmail but his latest GF turned her phone off)

@SantaFeSister

If you are who I think you are then I am so very sad for you and your DD. And so angry on the behalf of both of you. I have followed your postings (under many different names for your own safety I will add) over the years and always hoped that you and DD had escaped his clutches. I'm gutted to find out that he has 'won' over CAFCASS and the courts but then again I have rarely seen such wicked, twisted arrogance from someone like he is. I always hoped that he'd get bored and find new victims but you were right....he'll never let it go.

Your DD seems to have his measure and that's a good thing and she knows where home, you and safety are. He will get comfortable. He will then get careless. He will then make a mistake. He will then fuck it up for himself. It's in his nature sadly as he has no self reflection or forethought. He is incapable of love or change. Hold on and follow the court order to the letter - he will trip himself up. It's a waiting game really. I did it and you have to do it too but keep yourself ready to take urgent action when the tipping point comes because it will come.

To all those who are saying take DD back and ignore the court order - you have no idea. The OP has been through so much and has fought so hard. She's received such poor care and dealings from CAFCASS at the hands of a man who has weaponised the family court system. Now, she's been told that she complies or loses her DD - what would YOU do in the same situation?
If any of you really want to help then ask your election candidates what they have planned for the family courts system and when you find out that they know/do nothing then at least support your local Women's Aid.

Because it's court ordered. You can't refuse.

@KaleQueen The courts very often simply do not see or accept abuse that is incredibly damaging but insidious in its nature. I speak from many years of lived experience.
In which case, sadly the OP will be seen as the "obstructor" and ex may well use this to request further access.