If you are a ‘professionally accomplished’ woman, how do you meet men?

[ElleintheWoods]

Just to pre-empt, I don’t think ‘success’ (titles, possessions and other things society sees as such) matters and everyone is the same. However, more and more, men and people in my life seem to highlight that it still does matter in today’s society.

In my 20s I was a top 10 university graduate working in corporate London with HNWIs, so I used to think everyone was like that and that was normal life (young and naïve, sorry!). I’ve had 2 significant long-term relationships (5+ years) and a few shorter but still serious and enjoyable ones. Never really had bad experiences with men.

I then took a step back and moved to the countryside. I’m quite a friendly and bubbly person. However, I’ve found that men see me as a bit of an alien once they get to know my background. I play my background down a lot now that I’ve found it can alienate people, but obviously things do come out once you get to know someone/ people have Google. I was in a long-term relationship with a mechanic and he would make ‘how the other half live’ comments as a joke regularly. He was also ashamed of his house and family initially. I’ve also had the ‘why would someone like you want to be with someone like me’ comment from more than one guy. Frustratedly, I asked a male friend why guys like him don’t pursue me even though they seem interested and he said ‘I’d feel like I’m punching a bit/ long-term I’d feel lesser than you’.

So it seems that although I was open to dating anyone, it doesn’t seem many men are open to dating a woman who is more professionally accomplished than them. I’m also from Denmark where ‘class/ background’ generally is a lot less at the forefront of people’s minds and it’s common for women to be dominant.

Then I met someone who seemed perfect. Committed to the mission of using his skills to improve people’s lives, had worked abroad like me, on the board of a household name company, very varied interests, deep thinker, similar childhood experiences. We had what I’d regard as the perfect relationship – theatre, shows, weekends away attending cultural events and exploring new places, good food, talking about ideas, philosophy, politics... I could be fully myself around him and share the same values. My favourite moment in our relationship was a few weeks in when he had a huge presentation at work and he called me afterwards and talked about it for an hour – it may sound boring but I knew then this was someone I could relate to. It also made me feel close to him that I was the one he wanted to share his accomplishment with.

Ultimately it did not work out but it got me thinking... I felt much more ‘at home’ with someone like that than where I had tried to force a relationship with someone very different and had to lock away parts of myself to fit in with their family and friends. So maybe it’s just easier for me to try dating men who aren’t ashamed to be ambitious and want to make a difference in society, and who like arts, classical music etc

So 2 questions to the thread:
1. If you are ‘professionally successful’, how do you feel that affects your personal life?
2. Where have you met men that pique your interest/ you’ve settled down with?

Way too many adjectives. And still American spelling.

It is a work in progress... Probably best taking It down and totally starting over!

Born and raised in the vibrant streets of Belfast, I've made London my home for the past six years. In this bustling city, I've mastered the art of discovering hidden gems and can't wait to share them with you.

To be honest, the opening paragraph sounds like you're a travel agent offering guided tours. But generally the use of adjectives throughout is excessive, which is off-putting.

Maybe delete the chat bot version and just write what you would say to a real life person. Let people hear your voice - that's who you want them to meet, right?

At least you took the first step. You'll get there.

Ah sure, feedback crucial and appreciated with this kind of thing. Don't want to monopolise the OP'S thread though.
I think this might be more interesting, at least!
Picture this: A Belfast lad turned London local, navigating the concrete jungle by day as a business analyst, and metamorphosing into an urban adventurer by night. Six years in the Big Smoke have honed my skills in unearthing the city's best-kept secrets. Fancy sharing a few drinks sometime?
My journey from management consulting to the pulsating world of broadcasting and telco business analysis has been chock-full of tales. I’ve got some cracking stories from those boardroom battles!
Now, let's talk about my after-hours pursuits. I’m a gym enthusiast and runner, there’s Nothing like pounding the pavement along the Thames to shake off the workday cobwebs, I reckon. But it's my culinary quests that really might tickle your interest! A self-proclaimed foodie always on the prowl for London's next gastronomic gem? Count me in! I'm already salivating at the thought of the hidden curry houses and quirky fusion joints we could discover.
My academic background is a delightful surprise – to me, at least. I’ve had to really graft! a business analyst with an MA in modern literary theory? That's not something you see every day! I deal with drafting business requirements and acceptance criteria by day, and dissect Derrida by night. My love for the arts, classical music, and literature paints me as a true Renaissance man in trainers, to be honest!
But what really sets me apart, is my enthusiasm for life. I have an incurable eagerness for thrills, random invites, and unforgettable escapades. I’m the kind of man who'd be game for anything - whether it's a last-minute ticket to a secret gig in Shoreditch or a spontaneous weekend jaunt to Paris.
So, to anyone reading this and thinking of reaching out to me, buckle up! You're in for a wild adventure through London's labyrinthine streets, filled with mouthwatering meals, thought-provoking conversations, and adventures that'll make your head spin. This Belfast-born, London-loving literary lad is ready to add some sparkle to your life.

@TheKookyJoker

It sounds like you have a LOT going for you (I definitely may use Classic FM if you're the type it attracts...or maybe it's just London blokes are cooler!)

However, agree that profile text is really not great!

"London based professional Irish bloke. Moved to business analysis from management consulting.

"Live solo/two great children/have a visual impairment which is solved by xxxx...put something about your status here, DON'T over explain or justify...just give the information.

Interested in arts, culture, and trying new restaurants. The last book I enjoyed was War and Peace (English Lit grad). What's yours?

Would like to meet similar partner.

I look forward to hearing from you."

God love you, @TheKookyJoker, if someone had told me they'd hire me as an Alan Partridge scriptwriter I would've hidden in a corner and cried.

The only contribution I can make is you should lose "both with top honors" as it sounds as though you're bragging.

I can see you've changed it in the next version, though.

Come on, OP, what about a date with @TheKookyJoker!

Thanks all!, I can take negative criticism, It made me laugh! It wasn't too far off the mark either. Good intentions are good intentions.

@MyGiddyAmberLurker , thanks for this. Might try that approach, but not much info or personality? Always so hard to get these things right Isn't It?

I don’t know @TheKookyJoker , I quite like the adjectives. It shows a man can write! (Or well, in this case, your AI can!) But yes, maybe some of those sound a bit artificial in the context.

Otherwise it just becomes a list of facts. I feel like a more personal, novel-like writing style may grab the attention of the type of person you might be looking to meet. I’m just assuming here you may be interested in someone a bit bookish/ cultured.

Might sound a bit geeky but in OLD the man that truly captured my imagination was one with a very rich vocabulary and I became interested in his ‘vibe’ more than anything factual about him. I do however appreciate that people are different.

Show don't tell!

People look for the basics...photos, location, status (ie children or lack of them, anything which will affect dating availability), job. They chat based on this.

I would point out if you have a visual impairment, but don't make a big deal about it (there will be rude people or flakes but EVERYONE has them).

You send a few messages, and get a slight vibe for each other, then go for coffee or a drink.

Meet somewhere that reflects your interests...Tate cafe or something?

That's when you start getting to know someone, and you chat and show your personality.

If you're a professional guy who is 37 (assume child free?) in London with good interests and reasonable social skills, the numbers and odds will very much be on your side. If you just get out there you'll probably be the one pursued!

I'd even try the more busy dating apps.

It also is more attractive if you can have "extra" positive stuff to bring up later on.

Your profile now is the verbal equivalent of a woman walking into a bar stark naked, with a plate of her home cooking...

And telling every man this is what they will get to see if they pick her.

It's TMI. You're overselling yourself/look like you're needy/trying too hard, and you really don't need to.

I'm a woman your age and even though I'm happy and confident, I am aware guys with my "status" have it a lot easier on dating scene!

Just aim to get to a quick coffee/drinks meet (rather than trying to impress or build a connection in advance).

Sorry @TheKookyJoker I’ve set a bit of a hare running and I don’t have time to come back and offer more ideas but glad you are taking in the spirit in which it was intended. @ElleintheWoods I also like a person with a good vocabulary but that is not what @TheKookyJoker ’s profile suggested at all, his suggested a man with an online thesaurus. Adjectives are about quality not quantity.

You’ll get there @TheKookyJoker honestly just try for a more natural conversational style.

PS Richard Osman has a visual impairment so serious he cannot legally drive and he recently got married to a beautiful actress and is my celeb crush!

So, in principle, think I’d swipe right on this profile as that’s someone I’d like to meet. I wouldn’t care too much how it’s presented.

Couple of thoughts - it’s quite long! I’d shorten it a bit but maybe not quite as much as what PPs are suggesting. But does sound like you’re really selling your pitch hard! I’m guessing the website is asking you to fill in form and that’s why it’s longer? I do like the vocabulary and sentence structure.

Secondly - what about the kind of lady you’d like to meet? Eg do they need to share all these interests? What kind of dynamic are you looking for? As a reader I’d like to get a bit of a flavour of that.

End of day though - just be yourself. Advice is all good but maybe it’s better attracting a couple of people who are a genuine match as opposed to casting the net wide but not with the right type of people?

Then again I’m not really one to advise on OLD ☺️

I’m Scottish and most NI people I have met have quite a similar sense of humour to most Scots- dry and self-deprecating, slightly sarcastic. Perhaps you’re not like that but if you are you’re coming across as a bit too earnest.

Less AI more NI!

I once dated someone who wanted to have elocution lessons before meeting my family, in the end I married someone with a similar upbringing who shared the same life goals/aspirations.

@ElleintheWoods , It is slightly a hard sell, but really trying to emphasise the positive and come across as a guy who is appealing and funny. Absolutely not, I'm just looking for an intelligent woman, successful, but obviously I'm not looking for someone outlandishly successful. Not stuck up, someone grounded in reality, but wonderfully fun, career driven, and primarily someone who is kind.
@TimeandMotion , I do have a dry sense of humour, and the profile is definitely more emphatically self-promotional than I'd be in real-life. But, I love being fun, so that's authenticly me!

@TimeandMotion , maybe the profile is slightly earnist I'd agree, but I'd love to actually meet someone fascinating, and yes, less AI, and more NI, for sure.

So out of interest, would you approach a woman in person, and where/ how? Or do you think that's too much of a minefield in the current era? Do you think people are easier or harder to get talking to in London than in Belfast?

I got chatted up in a bookshop today, which was nice. While I am not looking to hang out in bookshops or libraries to use it as a pickup scene, I can see how it could work if you are hovering in front of the same shelf!

I'd love it if more men would start in-person conversations. You can see them hovering and the cues, but usually when I get approched in person it's under the pretence of a professional interest.

@ElleintheWoods So, fab questions actually! Definitely easier to get talking to women/anyone in Belfast, London is particularly challenging to start a conversation with anyone, dating or otherwise! Would I approach a woman? I'd definitely compliment someone I found genuinely interesting, and I have much more confidence to just put myself out there and make the first tentative step, than I would have had 10 years ago in my 20's, for example. Today's climate is difficult though for guys, there's a line between showing interest and ensuring It's reciprocated, and unwanted attention, so men have to be so, so careful today, and that's how It should be. I miss visual signals of overt attraction, so It's kind of difficult to judge flirting/interest, from women who might just want to be nice, for example. Easier in some respects if you're certain, I.E, "I like you, let's grab a drink sometime", rather than relying on visual stimuli, eye contact. I tend to assume women might just want to be nice, rather than interested, but that's a reason I'm single and 37!

This is how you describe your ideal match for the profile:

I'm looking for someone who's funny, loves to laugh, and isn't afraid of a little tactile affection. You don't take life too seriously and can find joy in the little moments. You're ambitious yet compassionate, with a zest for adventure and a heart full of humor. Honesty, communication, and a desire for a meaningful connection are what make you truly stand out.

However you say this above:

Absolutely not, I'm just looking for an intelligent woman, successful, but obviously I'm not looking for someone outlandishly successful. Not stuck up, someone grounded in reality, but wonderfully fun, career driven, and primarily someone who is kind.

The profile doesn’t mention intelligence, being successful or being career-driven. (The closest it gets is “ambitious”, which is very vague)

Conversely, you say “funny”, “laugh” “don’t take life too seriously” and “a heart full of humor [sic]”- 4 different ways of saying “fun”! The balance between that and the professional side that you say you are looking for seems a bit off. I know it’s possible to be both fun and successful but with the profile as written you risk interest from women who think that being fun is all you want.

I’d suggest something like “My career is important to me and I’d love to meet someone who feels the same about hers”.

Also, you say that
“honesty, communication and a desire for a meaningful connection are what make you truly stand out. “ Do they though? Are these particularly stand-out qualities? Don’t most decent people value honesty? Are many women on a dating site only looking for casual rather than meaningful connections? In some ways this suggests you are quite jaded as you’ve met a lot of shallow dishonest women!

Oh and please please don’t say “salivating”.

Profile still under construction. Feedback useful. I'm looking for someone successful, intelligent, kind, but not overbaring, essentially. Perhaps an incompatible ask..., I'm not sure.

I know it might be a bit embarrassing, but please get somebody to proofread it before you finally submit.

Saw this and thought of you @ElleintheWoods
(29) Post | Feed | LinkedIn

Oh dear!! Haha. Thanks for the thought!

See I was very willing to date the guys on the left-hand side of the graph but for one reason or another it’s a tough match.

I suppose there are many lucrative jobs for men out there in the trades etc that doesn’t require further education and where being into more ‘highbrow’ things can be culturally frowned upon.

I also wonder if there are actually some pronounced cultural differences between Scandinavia and the UK that make it even more challenging for someone who was raised with Scandinavian views of gender roles. I have realised recently there are actually many significant differences in relationship culture.