how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

I'm really sorry to hear this. It's a shit situation to be in. I think the best thing to do is to speak to Women's Aid, Citizen's Advice and also get a couple of those free appointments with a divorce solicitor so you get some idea of what you might get in a divorce. He is financially abusing you, which obviously you know, but you need to be clear that you'd be better off if you leave. Sending love to you and your son. A friend of mine has a son in his early 20s who was on suicide watch for ages (he has autism and ADHD and has always struggled with his mental health) and now he's got a job and a girlfriend and is living independently so there is hope.

I am so sorry you re in this position and there is only one option. Divorce. It's the only way as then you'll be able to get help and he will be forced to pay to support his children.

Get all details of his money that you can. Pay slips, bank statements, proof of his solo holidays and spending, any savings, stocks, shares, premium bonds, other assets, pension.

You can file for divorce on line for under £600 and you don't need a solicitor for that. You do need a solicitor for the financial order and I suggest you see one as soon as possible.

Nothing will chance unless you do this so decide and accept what you can do and if you decide to divorce then everyone will carry on offering you support.

How old are your children?

He’s a fucking monster. My god.

It’s not blaming when she removed him for his parental rights and responsibility. Everything should be 50/50.

I never once said he was strong, I said he will walk off into the sunset with a great job and salary. Demand 50/50, so he can get out of paying CMS.

Being strong doesn’t equate to doing everything yourself and not splitting things 50/50, so many SAHM’s get fucked over like this. Read all the threads here.

She will be on benefits, meanwhile he will live a lavish lifestyle. That’s what’s sad.

And I agree he is selfish, more women ought to be selfish. They should think of their own careers and not be financially dependent on anyone.

Her career is messed up because of all the appointments and working part time, why couldn’t that be 50/50? And when he disagreed, why not divorce and not have the second child?

@Lostmymarbles0815 I'm so sorry about your children's health. What a worry for you

Please know that your DH's behaviour is not the sign of a happy marriage with teamwork

Good luck, I wish you well. I suspect there are no easy answers here

Why isn't he paying the bills? You are a full-time carer and also work outside the home part-time. Is he totally irresponsible? He has fathered two children and does not want to support their mother in looking after them. Suggest you divorce the mean bugger and make him pay maintenance for you and two DCs.

What an absolute piece of work 😡. There’s no way out here except to divorce him. I gave up work 18 years ago for the same reasons. My husband has supported us all during this time. My disabled son is now residential and I am looking for work but at no point has my husband put any pressure on because he knows I still need to be around for home visits so finding something flexible is difficult. Thats the sort of support you need not to be worried about paying your share. You need to put your foot down and tell him what you can contribute (which should actually be zero) and he’ll have to pay the rest. If not tell him you’re going back full time and a childminder/nursery/nanny of whatever will cost X amount.

@Easytospot he also goes on holiday without her because of the money yet she chose to have 2 kids with this man. She can’t afford to go on holidays, because of her salary. What partnership is this?

At some point, women need to take accountability for their own actions and be selfish like the men are.

Doesn’t sound like his career has been impacted considering he goes on holiday and weeks x3. Makes her pay 50/50. That’s what is weak.

It's worse than I thought

I don' think I could come back from this

You might find some helpful info here https://www.turn2us.org.uk/

Gosh, OP. Please divorce him. You will be better off without him in so many ways.

Divorce the sack of shit.

Oh do fuck off. Of course this isn't her fault.

Whose fault is it then, that she will end up on benefits?

My Dad always told me the most important decision I'd ever make was who would be the father of my children, which seemed horribly sexist at the time, but gosh it's true.

That said, we all make poor decisions and that doesn't make this man's dreadful behaviour OP's fault

This is an abusive relationship, aside from the swearing/shouting the financial control he has. Please seek external help from professional organisations - they will help you get out of the situation and advise regarding finances moving forward. You don't need to live like this - you and DC will be better off out of it.

Being on benefits is not the problem. This is exactly what benefits are for, to provide a safety net for people like her who are struggling.

The husband is the problem. He's financially abusive. You smugly saying she should somehow have forseen all this and not have had kids with him is a) unhelpful and b) makes you look like a massive prick.

Haven't got time to RTWT and there are people who know far more than me about these things but I didn't want to read and run.

Firstly, your relationship is over. You can't come back from someone behaving as badly as this.

Second, I'm assuming that you're married from your posts. What are the assets? Does he have savings/a pension? Anything he has, you're entitled to a share of. And likely to be more than 50/50 given your two disabled DC.

Third, in the short-term, you can be under the same roof but separated. Stop paying any rent/bills (he'll have to pay these) and put in a CM claim.

Separating, even if you don't immediately move out, means that his income is not taken into account for your benefits calculations, so I would have thought you'd get more in terms of UC.

Fourth, get advice - speak to social services/women's aid. I'm sorry if you've already been there/done it and got nothing, but you need more support for your DC. Your relationship is abusive and you need help to put together a plan to leave safely.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It’s not smug to suggest women start replicating men’s behaviour and treat them how they treat us

All I’ve literally said is women shouldn’t take all responsibility for hospital appointments, childcare and caring needs. This should be 50/50. So both, can jointly progress in their career and work and be comparable with each other. There will be no power imbalance or resentfulness. I’m telling women not to be a doormat and unpaid career who will get financially abused.

He has been selfish and is weak, which I have said above. My point is he will demand 50/50 to get out of paying CMS. He will also walk off into the sunset, get a new mortgage and progress into his career because OP is shouldering all caring needs. He sounds quite young, so potentially will make x4, x5 and maybe even x6. Pension will be great. Whereas OP won’t have one.

He earns so much more, yet demands her to pay 50/50. At some point, need to grow a backbone and say no. Stand up for yourself. No one else can do it for her. If that doesn’t work, divorce. Nothing wrong with divorce or to be ashamed of.

This is how SAHM get fucked over by the man.

Why in 2024, is it hard to request 50/50? Or being seen as blaming?

I wish more women were selfish tbh.

Start your own thread @GossipGirliexo

With maybe a more feminist username.

Again, from working with women in very these situations to help them get back on their feet some of this is incorrect and worrying advice.

You can make a UC claim while living together as “separated” yes, BUT you really do have to be separated, and that means (for UC) living as separate, not financially supported. If OP stops paying and he does pick up the full amount (which he doesn’t “have” to), then OP will be unable to claim UC because she is already living as part of the same couple she was before, that’s not being separated, and any CMS claim he can and will easily reject and will be within his rights to as he can demonstrate he is already paying more than that amount for the family home & bills.

Agree though with speaking to Women’s Aid, also Citizens Advice.

You have now considered it and you can support yourself with disability benefits, UC and child support. Ask him if he'd like to leave now or be taken out by the police when you report the domestic abuse.

The same could be said for yours, stray cat…?

I wasn’t even talking about feminism, just basic rights but ok.

I just adopted a rescue cat. HTH xxxxoooooxxxoooo

So you are married and the children are both of yours? What are you actually getting out of being married to him?

my DH and I were earning nearly equal amounts when we got together. DS1 has special needs and had DS2, after that I worked part time as I got completely burnt out. All money went into 1 pot and was shared.

He's using you as a housekeeper and nanny while you still pay half the bills. You’d be better off on your own.

You can't 'request' that an abusive man treats you better. That's feminism 101 which I'd have thought that a feminist like you would know, being so feministy.

I mean, apart from the complete lack of empathy towards abused women, which isn't how any self-respecting feminist would ever behave. Anyway I'll leave you to stew in your own self-righteous juice and hope the OP is sensibly ignoring your 'input' as I will now be doing.