how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

Yes, but if she was single then only her income would be taken into account. Parents on low incomes through no fault of their own that can't financially support their own children are exactly who child benefit is for and 100% deserve it. Especially carers. At the moment, on paper, she and the child are well provided for by the high earning husband.
Unfortunately, how things should be is different to how they are which is why she needs really good advice on what support she would reasonably expect, what she would get in the divorce and what CMS he would pay.
But I don't think you can say she would be worse of in a divorce any more than yu can categorically say she would be better off.

she absolutely WILL be better off that way. She will be in control for one.

@BlackStrayCat

yep all those posters saying divorce him you will get child maintenance haven’t a clue at the lengths men will go to to avoid paying child maintenance

He will make it as difficult as possible for the OP to leave he will drag everything through the courts so that the OP can’t pay for her cost of a divorce

he’s probably one of “good guys “ to his friends & family he works really hard to support his wife & two disabled kids - wife is a selfish bitch for leaving him bush blah

he won’t want that perfect family image to crack

I know a fair amount of guys who aren’t that fussed about having kids
but say yes because they are thinking with their dick oh lots of sex 😂😂

then the reality hits and they say well you wanted kids so you can support them

Also a lot of men see a disabled child as a “slur “ on their precious manhood - like they have something wrong with them for having disabled kids so they detach from the start which makes it easier to behave the way the OP husband has

..and have you ANY idea how it is to be abused day in and day out? FFS.

that was to @Mrsttcno1

100% @Cornflakelover .

I suddenly became an alcoholic and very dirty and lazy and fat, mentally unstable and he never wanted DCs or he would have frozen his sperm.

He honestly said that!

I appreciate that, but it is unlikely that even taking into account child maintenance and UC entitlement that OP is going to be better off long term single.

It’s of course worth having a look at potential UC and CMS entitlement but when you consider that currently there is another adult paying 50% of the bills plus OP working part time, there are very few circumstances in which you would be better off financially separating, leaving work, and being responsible for 100% of bills with UC & CMS.

He may make it difficult

You may have less money. It may be difficult to make ends meet

There is more to life than money - much more

In reply to this and your other message, I don’t disagree that OP would be HAPPIER separated and with more control. However my response was to those saying she would be financially better off by separating which is simply not true.

1 adult paying 50% of bills + OP working part time (as currently is) is a better FINANCIAL situation that 1 adult paying 100% of the bills with no income other than UC & CMS.

That doesn’t make it a good situation or a happy one, but it is financially going to be a better one.

He's a controlling twat and being financially abusive. I had one like that with 2 SN children. I got the fuck out 18 years ago. Best thing I ever did. At least he will have to pay you child support. But it's a lot more difficult to get anywhere to rent now. Women's aid might be able to help.

You're being quite wet about the whole thing.

He won't step up because he doesn't love you, or your children. Why would you stay with someone who doesn't love you, care for you or respect you?

This is totally shocking. It isn't a marriage.

@Mrsttcno1 we will agree to disagree.
I think you are incorrect.
He will be divorcing her as soon as it suits him anyway. So your argument is irrelevant.

Financial abuse
Emotional abuse
Domestic violence / Lack of family support
Emotional burnout
No access to any legal help/cothes/phone/adequate food or transport.
Lies and inequality
Childcare
Paying 50%

The opposite of wet. OP is incredibly strong.

Are you?

Simply stop paying the bills. Log into each online account and move them out of your name and into his or a joint account.

But… how come bills are shared whereas all children’s costs are yours to pay?!
My advice is to stop contributing to any of the shared bills as your contribution is 1) kids expenses, 2) loss in salary from being part-time for childcare.
And start planning for a divorce. Don’t wait, it won’t get any better.

LTB

That is perfectly okay. My opinion is informed by working with many women in my previous job role who are left single with children learning to navigate UC, trying to help those women find new jobs and childcare to allow those jobs, making CMS claims. Lots of those women absolutely believed they would have been better off and are then left absolutely stuck when they find out all their partner has to pay is £250 for example a month and that is for EVERYTHING. Lots of those mums end up having their children full time, having to fund an entire household as well as all presents, shoes, clothes, toys etc for those children with only that- in reality- tiny CMS contribution from their ex.

Men really get it VERY easy, and very cheap, in a divorce with children. A dad can walk away, say they’ll do 1 night a month and cannot be forced to have their kids more, and the only comeback you have is CMS which is a pathetic amount most of the time when you think about what it actually costs to raise a child.

If your eldest is on PIP he must be over 16. Is he still in full-time education?

If he isn't, he can claim benefits in his own right. My friend's son gets around £360 a month in UC, plus his PIP.

And apply for DLA for the youngest. Last time I helped a client with a child DLA form, it only took about 10 weeks for the decision to come through, and it was backdated to the date that they asked for the form.

This doesn’t sound like a marriage. He leaves all the responsibilities to you, enabling him to succeed at work, but shares none of the proceeds if that success.

You need to be a team. You need to be able to pull together. Especially so with SEN / ill kids, but even without them. You need to pool finances and decide what’s best for your kids. If they means you not working, so be it. He can pay the bills and give both himself and you an identical amount of spending money.

Oh fuck off. Stop blaming OP. I absolutely despise posts like this that lay all the blame on the OP when it’s the man who has behaved utterly contemptible. OP is in this situation because he is a selfish bastard. That’s it. There is nothing she can do to make him have 50/50 care. You are clearly utterly ignorant of men like this and have never had to deal with one. Here’s a shocker for you. You actually can’t make someone else do anything. He would have to agree and he clearly won’t Your ‘just get him told’ attitude is laughable naive.

It would probably be really awful for the kids to be in his care 50/50 anyway.

OP is having to hold up the sky on her shoulders for her and her kids. She is remarkably and admirable strong. He is weak. And you, you have no idea at all.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is financial abuse.

you could to to citizens advice and ask them for advice and what you could get if you divorce him. As a single parent you should have access to more support than you are ‘married’ perhaps?

I can’t believe that such lowlife men exist out there.

OP I’m so sorry you are living like this. The way your husband is behaving, the way he sees you and talks to you, is not normal. It’s very wrong. Other posters have good advice and I just want to encourage you to follow it and get yourself and your kids away from him. Good luck.

Wow, does he even like you or the kids? Did he want children?

I know! I got divorced 10 days ago from a very similar man to OP.

I am still better off and everything is above board and legal (more importantly) and I am in control and I can claim things I could not as HE was too wealthy and was giving me next to nothing. But I made sure I got 100% custody and legal aid.

I get 30% more a month and a larger share of family home (which will eventually be sold)
Most importantly, I can get my mental health back and be an even better mother.
Most importantly, my DCs will have no contact with him.