how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

Does your dhs behaviour have a negative Impact on your dc with mh problems? Is he actively involved with your dc?
A good dad?
If not then maybe it will help your dc if you are not together. And you claim everything you can and leave work whist being a full time carer.
Not saying any of that is simple . But it doesn't sound like you have a lot of choices. He obviously still thinks of himself as a separate person away from you and your dc.
Sounds very stressful for you . I hope you get somthing sorted

Here's a link to the Gov.uk advice ie the law about coercive control.

Good luck @Lostmymarbles0815 Your husband is utterly awful

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-statutory-guidance-framework

Also, I hope you're not having sex with him still (don't answer that, but think about it).

Your DH is awful. I work very part time our oldest child has complex additional support needs and I have to be there for endless appointments. Last week was 2 full school days of appointments and sorting out his support plan. My middle child has some ASN needs though not as pronounced..DH works full time whilst I support our kids. His wage pays the mortgage etc. I get carers allowance but it's not much. What your husband is doing is financial abuse. You cannot work because your children have extra support needs. His job is to step up and support the household financially in this instance.

What an absolute turd of a man.

Get advice and make a plan.

Dear OP, I am sorry your husband is so awful. Definitely divorce him. You deserve better even if better is not having him in the house. You can get more financial support from him with maintenance than what he gives you now. Currently he is financially abusing you. Imagine your home without him in it, it will be one less headache for you. Sending you my best wishes, it won’t be easy but it is worth it.

Remember to get your ducks in order first especially proof of his income, pension etc.

Firstly - please please leave this man. I have disabled kids and your post made me quite tearful. Please do it for them.

Secondly - go to the "entitled to" website. You should get the carers element and disabled elements of universal credit which made a HUGE difference to how much you get. I hope you will be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck.

P.S. Everyone here is behind you. Please use this group for support when you need it Be strong and get this man out of your life.

Mostly just read your posts, you are effectively a single parent already. He isnt supporting his children either financially or emotionally. If he finds care difficult he could fund some support for you, he doesnt.

Personally I would get the ick just looking at him so sex would be out and he isnt giving you anything else.

Good grief, he goes on holiday alone because you can’t afford it and he can 😱.
I know holidays are probably the least of your worries but that has shocked me somehow, he’s really not a family man is he .

He should have thought of that too, they are his kids!

You are being financially abused.

LTB.

Then you are in an abusive relationship with an utter bastard. Even if there are practicalities to your life now that are easier with his income, he is draining your emotional energy and all the joy out of life, and you need both now more than ever to cope with your children.

Either he takes you to court for 50/50 and you get some respite, or he (as is more likely) leaves you with full custody and you get full child support (such as it is).

You will be hugely better off without this prick in your life. Never doubt yourself here.

I know this won't help you now, but once you have a new MP, please write to them about your situation. This is just awful. What on earth are you supposed to do - hand over your children to the state?
It may not do any good, but I don't think people in power realise what life it like for many people. At least tell them.

Your H (no D with this one), is a nasty nasty man.

Do you have a social worker if your children are disabled?
I would suggest sharing your financial abuse and mental abuse with police and social workers and if they agree the children are suffering as a result of it then they may be able to help you remove him from the home which you'll then be able to stay in until divorce proceedings are finalised and you can then claim UC and whatever financial support as a single parent as well as cm from him.

He holidays alone because he does not pay his fair way proportionatley? Gosh, I feel for you OP. That sounds really tough.

Also I would record him on video when you have one of these conversations. I know it’s not legal, but you need evidence of this kind of abusive shit. They’re his kids too. No wonder the poor kids have terrible MH issues. I’m sure this could be used clinically to get your kids help.

While it’s great that’s he a salaried employee
never under estimate the lengths a man will go to in order not to pay Child Support

from what I gave read he doesn’t consider his kids to be his financial responsibility at all
it seems that he considers the kids to be totally responsibility both physically and financially

so if you leave him I wouldn’t bank on any sort of child support at all .

Honestly don’t rely on child support as your basically relying on a wanker who’s already shown you he won’t share his money with his wife and children so he definitely won’t want to if you get divorced

he could leave his job and go self employed and do freelance contract ( if that’s possible )

go 50 -50 on care and then no need to pay maintenance ( this is the usual one ) and you may have to prove that he doesn’t have them 50 -50 to get any maintenance

move abroad -

meet someone with children ( this reduces his amount even though the kids aren’t his )

if he meets a new partner and they have a kid he could become a SAHP and not have to pay you anything
even if they don’t have a kid if she earns enough he could just not work and you wouldn’t get anything

He doesn't take his wife and kids on holiday but I be he isn't holidaying alone.

Yes. Keep all documents of DCs medical visits.
Take marriage cert and birth certs and hide them (if he hasnt taken them)
See the GP to start a paper trail. Explain the situation: say you are not depressed yet, but areconcerned for your DCs and yourself, in the future.
Tell the police, again, to start a paper trail. (They cant help at this stage but it will be logged)

I cannot tell you how many people in charge said "why did you not report it?" and shrug. REPORT REPORT. I reported everything after about a year and sitting panicked. Just report. Keep records.

It starts to move quickly the more you start to tell authorities etc.

At this point: KEEP IT FROM HIM. He must not know: he will try to scupper it by visiting GP himself and saying he is worried for your mental health/you are drinking to much etc whatever he can come up with...

I’m so sorry OP.
He’s appalling.
To holiday without his family and make you go 50:50 despite you work PT and he earns 3x. Shouting fuck off when you try to discuss it. You already know this but he can’t care about you or the children much.

Take the advice above regarding Women’s Aid CAB etc.

Start preparing to leave this man.

You could find you end up better off, and if not financially, you’ll definitely be happier. Don’t get pregnant to him again.

💐

@Cornflakelover yes, absolutely... 50/50 (knowing he has no intention of doing so.)

This is why OP MUST keep medical records of visits for DCs, the courts focus on medical visits. Along with school runs etc.
If you did them all 50/50 comes into question big time (just been through it)

I’m assuming if she did start divorce proceedings, she wouldn’t then be having sex with him?

He sounds awful 😢

This is one of the first cases I’ve read, bar actual violence.

He is disgusting - truly disgusting.

I can’t see any way forward aside from divorce- unless the threat of divorce makes him reconsider.

I read the title and was (?!?!) but the detail makes this 100% on him. This is why either the government needs to provide much better support for disabled children and their careers OR they need to actually force parents that can contribute but won't, to contribute. (Or both actually).
If you were to divorce, then in theory he would have to pay CMS and you would also be entitled to more benefits - at the moment the law assumes that you are benefitting from a "joint" income with your husband and that as a high earner he is supporting you. This is clearly not happening. Unfortunately of course, what the state is prepared to provide actually doesn't often meet what people need. So I don't want to say "just divorce him it will be fine". But I do strongly suspect if you calculate the CMS he would pay and the benefit you would be elligible for you would be in a better position than you are now.

But also - for the time being, keep your job and just accept that you will piss them of having to go to appointments etc. Save as much money from this as possible now. If they fire you, that's likely still better than leaving as you are more likely to get redundancy pay etc. Or look up what possibilities there are for careers leave/sick leave with pay etc. It sounds Machiavellian but you have to put you and your child first (while keeping within the law and general morals) because no-one else will.

Or even - go on long term paid leave/half pay leave but tell your husband they sacked you. This is risky since its likely to make him mad but at least you can save some money. So if he cuts you off in spite you have savings to buy food etc (divorce settlements take a while and vindictive partners can make life hell in the meantime)

(edited for really stupid typos)

You cannot force him to share and more importantly DO NOT listen to posters saying divorce him as they he’d have to pay child maintenance- you will not be better off that way. If he is currently paying even 50% of all household bills that is more than you would get off him in child maintenance.

He holidays alone etc as he can afford but I cannot

What on earth?! 😳

What a tosser.