Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

I think it's as you have quoted me, I get notifications thus I construe it as you are replying to me.

but yes i agree, we are both on the same page here ( in more than one way )

He came home early from work and started at me again about taking the kids after nursery and telling me that I was overreacting to this morning and also to what happened last year. He asked me why I wasn't so rigid with DD's dad about child arrangements. I told him because I'm not scared of DD's dad like I am him.

Yet again telling him that I was scared seemed to make him switch personality, and all of a sudden he started being really nice and saying he's going to get help, and he agrees to having the kids when I say, and he doesn't want me to feel abused or scared, and do I want him to stay at a hotel tonight.

I can't keep track of or make sense of his behaviour.

I called the solicitors and have an appointment to speak to someone tomorrow afternoon.

I didn't quote you in my first post? You responded to it but it was directed OP and didn't mention you.

No matter, as you say we are on the same page.

Hopefully OP can keep her daughter as safe as possible during the upcoming tumultuous times in order for them to all to move forwards.

He's now saying that he should be able to start sleeping at the other house from tomorrow. I think he's realised that he went too far this morning and is now backtracking and being super nice to me. I also think the whole reason he's been so restrained until now is because he's scared of getting arrested again.

So hopefully by the time DD comes back from her holiday he'll be gone.

Before I forget, thank you to those who encouraged me to log with the police and gave me their experiences of doing similar. This thread is so valuable to me for exactly that reason. I genuinely wouldn't be able to do all of this without you all.

OK but you are still giving him way to much control. Its like you think he is the only one who gets to choose what comes next.

This guy is a massive headfucker. The only thing that you have said that is correct is that he is afraid of another arrest. Everything he says about his intentions and motivations and goals is a lie.

Even the offer to go to a hotel is just a feint.

Next time he offers say “yes, as you can’t figure out how to take turns with the family bathroom and can’t control your anger I think you should move out now. Otherwise, with your lack of control and threats, I think its very possible we could have the police around again.”

He needs to move out.

A hotel for tonight would be a fantastic idea ! let him go to one
and yes moving into the other property from tomorrow is also a fantastic idea - which is what he should have been doing in the first place !

That's an excellent result. I hope he sticks to that plan. I wouldn't be surprised if he changes his mind again, though.

I'm glad you contacted the police. Stay strong.

Its like you think he is the only one who gets to choose what comes next.

I think I'm possibly way too used to deferring to him. Maybe even without realising, until you've just pointed it out to me.

He's definitely used to being the one who calls the shots. Hence his anger about the nursery and bathroom thing.

How are things @Cryingatthegym? Did you hear from the police?

I really hope last night went safely, and that he has gone to the other property for his 4 day cleaning session...

Hi OP thinking of you, hope everything is alright 💐

Thank you all for checking in. He's gone. He needs to come back tomorrow to collect the rest of his stuff, but for all intents and purposes, he's gone.

I'm feeling completely heartbroken. I don't think it's really felt real these last few weeks, I've just been in survival mode and haven't had a chance to process anything. But it's hit me this afternoon. He's gone. I'm gutted. I've lost the husband I thought I had, the future I thought I would have with him. I thought I would grow old with him. I thought he was my best friend. My whole identity is tied up in him. I loved him so much, tried so hard, gave him so much. I had the boys for him. I wasn't bothered about more kids, but he really wanted at least two of his own, so I did it for him. And I love them, but fuck they're exhausting. And now I'm on my own with them. The future alone feels so overwhelmingly heavy.

I keep torturing myself with thoughts of him moving on with someone younger, prettier, better than me. And having a happy, secure relationship, when all we had was dysfunction. All I wanted was to be happy with him. I can't stop thinking about all the happy times, all the hope. I've never been heartbroken before. I've only ever ended relationships on my own terms, once the love was all gone. But I still love him so much, even after everything he's done and said.

I don't expect anyone to actually read this, I know it's nonsense. I just need to get it out. I think the thing that hurts the most is the fact that there's no closure. He's never going to acknowledge or understand the pain and damage he's done to me. He thinks I'm mentally ill. As he left today he said he was sorry to see me sad and upset, and that it hurt him not to be able to do anything about it. But he seemed fine, no pain of his own. I don't understand how he can be fine.

For those asking about the police, they're coming to see me tomorrow. I've started worrying about that though. I don't want him to find out I've called them and I'm scared he will.

' him moving on with someone younger, prettier, better than me. And having a happy, secure relationship '

you mean someone else for him to be verbally and physically abusive to !

it get better - I promise !
it takes time

but it's not over yet :(

I think I need to take some time to grieve and process it all.

Dreading telling DD.

Thank you to everyone on here for holding my hand through it. I know I've said it a few times, but MN has given me so much strength through all of this. I was a lurker for almost a decade before I started posting after he hurt me last year. And I'm so glad I did. You've all helped me see this for what it is and given me the strength to leave.

It will absolutely get better. Don’t torture yourself with dwelling on his future. Do you seriously think a normal himan being could have pointlessly, cruelly, crazily, meanly, treated their wife the way he treated you for the reason he gave you? Because he “thought” you were mentally ill? Because he “thought” you had BPD? Because he “thought” he needed the bathroom urgently? Because he thought x,y, or z?

No: people do what they want to do because it is convenient or gives them pleasure. He didn’t treat you badly because of what you did or who you are but because of who he is. He wanted to be abusive, loud, haranguing, angry, etc… There is no perfect, submissive, bubbly young thing in his future who will change him. There might be a future victim of his short con game. But ultimately he will abuse her too. Because he likes it like that.

Every time you get sentimental or fantasize about him suck on a lemon or smell something bad. You can rewire your brain. Speed up the letting go by making new associations.

I believe you were seeing / speaking to the solicitor today.

I hope you instructed her to start divorce proceedings ?

I believe you work ? spend time very soon putting in a claim for Universal Credit - you never know, especially as you have nursery fees to pay.
Universal Credit takes time so the sooner you do it the better as they do backdate to the date of your claim and as he has ' gone ' I would be doing it sooner rather than later.

I suppose the house you are in needs a valuation, and actually the one he has moved into as well as Court needs to know all joint assets. He won't like that.

Turn your grief into doing positive things i.e. moving forwards.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

I missed the call from the solicitor today because I've been alone with the boys all day. It's difficult to do anything with them around. But yes, I have a to do list with all of these things on them. I've felt completely paralysed by all of the emotional turmoil of the past few weeks, but now he's gone I can start making progress. The house valuations are on him to sort because the houses are all in his name.

I've already started both the UC application and the divorce application and I'll ring the solicitor back tomorrow.

He doesn't think you're mentally ill. He wants you to think you're mentally ill. It is a tough grieving process and you will feel a range of emotions. I found Richard Grannon videos on YouTube helped me understand better what was going on and helped me to heal. You will be ok. You will thrive in time x

Imagine how you would feel if it was your daughter in this relationship, what would you want for her, then apply that to yourself.

Oh, I am so sorry, I didn’t read far enough 🌻.

as his WIFE and the person living in the house with the joint children, there is nothing stopping you getting some estate agents round to see what they think of the house / what they would put it on the market for.

do you know what his plans are re your divorce ? is he going to have hidden assets, is he going to claim all the properties are his despite him being married.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I don't know. Early on in all this he assured me he would make sure everything was split fairly and that me and the kids would be provided for.

He looks after all the money and bills. I've asked him repeatedly to give me information about the finances so I can get some legal advice and also so I can work out if I can afford to keep this house on my own for now. But it's been weeks and he still hasn't given me anything. I'm completely in the dark about our finances. I don't even know what companies the bills for this house are with, or how much they are. Nevermind how much debt or savings or assets we have. I've sent him the financial form to complete but nothing yet.

So yes, speaking to a solicitor and applying for universal credit is top of my list for tomorrow. I think I'm just under the threshold for eligibility on my part time salary.

He doesn't think you're mentally ill. He wants you to think you're mentally ill.

Thank you for this. This is the perspective I need.

get his name taken off the Council Tax bill, it will then be reduced by 25%