Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

The police are well used to perps claiming to be 'victims'.

Sadly, true victims would never dream of calling themselves victims.

Btw true victims are often too ashamed, embarrassed, worn down or sad to call it 'abuse' or admit 'I am a victim'.

We certainly don't feel anger at the time. We usually call the police as a very last resort.

He can fuck off with his 'you're abusive' crap. Mine said that to me all the time. Also said his ex abused him. Cheeky bastards!

@Cryingatthegym

How is everything, including you, today ?

@singlemum81 Btw true victims are often too ashamed, embarrassed, worn down or sad to call it 'abuse' or admit 'I am a victim'.

I have definitely started to call it abuse in the past year. But before that, I couldn't/didn't want to see it. I remember starting a thread on here about him coming home from work and shouting at me, properly yelling at me, because I was pregnant and had covid and was struggling looking after middle DS, who was probably about 10 or 11 months old. He stood over me shouting while I cried, telling me I was a shit mum and I was letting him and DS down, that he was having to come home from work and do my job for me because I was incapable, and that he'd just walked through the park and seen all the other mums out there playing with their babies and that's where I should be. Everyone on that thread told me he was abusive and that I should leave him, and I had the thread pulled because I was so scared he'd find it and go mad. And because I didn't want to admit to myself that my relationship could be abusive.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon thank you for asking. Today has been a tough day. I took the kids for a day out with family. It was fun but just absolutely exhausting doing everything by myself. Just getting everyone up and ready and out of the door feels like running a marathon. Then the actual day out, juggling 2 toddlers that are constantly running in opposite directions. Then having to drive back, unpack the car, do dinner/bath/bed/tidy up. It's exhausting with 2 adults, nevermind one. I get really sad and overwhelmed when I think about the fact that this is my life permanently now.

DD came back from her holiday today so I told her on the drive home. She just hugged me and said she understands. Then went to the corner shop and bought me some chocolate of her own accord when we got home, bless her. We have a diary that we write to each other, so I've told her to write down what she's thinking and feeling in there when she's ready.

On a practical note, I plan to start the UC application tonight once I've eaten.

Aw she is a little sweetheart.

I spoke to her a bit more. She's sad and worried. But she said that she thinks it's 'really cool' that I realised the relationship wasn't good and did the right thing for us all.

Your DD is wise beyond her years. And so kind to buy you some chocolate because she could see you were sad. She sounds like a true gem and a credit to you.

I can only imagine how difficult these early days will be for you. But you are doing the right thing for all your children. Keep going.

@Cryingatthegym

I know you feel your day was terribly hectic on your own. But I think you need to understand that once the weight of 'him' is lifted things will actually get easier because you aren't weighted down by his abuse. Even if he is not present at the time, it's still weighing you down.

So do a bit of visualization. Picture yourself in your own little home. Feel the peace and calm because he is not there. Feel the fact that you can shut the door with him on the outside. It's your house, your rules, and he will have no right to enter it. Try to picture your two little ones in this peaceful home. Don't you feel that they will be more calm too, because they aren't picking up on the tension? Yes, they'll still get up to the dickens, but you will be so much better able to deal with it because you will be coming from a place of peace and calm, not a place of tension and fear. Isn't that a wonderful 'vision'. And it can be real, once you & the DC have left.

Your DD sounds like a little champ. Smart and intuitive, and kind and generous to boot. Give yourself a big congratulations having such a treasure because she didn't become that champ on her own. And your two toddlers can be just the same, by having time with them to yourself to show them what goodness and kindness looks like.

@AcrossthePond55 your post made me cry, thank you. DD really is wonderful, I'm so proud of her.

Before he was arrested last year H was a nightmare with her, constantly telling her off and criticising her for normal kid stuff, and making up all these rules about what she could and couldn't do in the house. It got much worse when the boys came along, it felt like everything she did was wrong in his eyes, even though she's a really loving and sensible big sister. That is the one thing he did manage to improve and make progress with though, he was much better with her after that.

I think my problem right now is that I constantly have his voice in my head telling me I've overreacted to everything and it wasn't that bad. And my brain keeps focusing on the good and happy times. It's a real battle not to fall into the trap of thinking 'what if it wasn't really that bad'.

Have faith in yourself, he was arrested for good reason.
and having done it once there is a very good chance he will do it again
you can never afford to let your guard down around him, or in your thoughts of him.

remember - it isn't over yet, it won't be over until some time after the divorce is finalised.

it would be useful ? if you printed out all your replies on this thread.
as a diary for you to refer back on.

@Cryingatthegym

I downloaded a book called Trauma Bonding by Dr Annely Alexander. It's helping push past the conflicting torture inside my head.

Your little girl sounds amazing.

You're doing great, keep going - I absolutely know how hard this is

What you’re experiencing is narcissistic victim syndrome, it’s really common to doubt yourself and wonder if it was that bad.

it absolutely was that bad.

that will never ever change

if you can, try emdr therapy, it saved my life x

It's a real battle not to fall into the trap of thinking 'what if it wasn't really that bad

And that's a very, very common 'trap'. When I was in a situation similar to you I wrote down a list of the nastiest and most abusive things he'd said and done, I folded it up small, and I kept it with me and when I started to fall into the trap I took it out of my pocket, my bag, my sock, my drawer at work (wherever I had tucked it that day) and read it to myself. Eventually, all I had to do was touch that note as a reminder. Once he was gone, I kept it folded up under the phone (this was in the dark ages when phones were corded and sat on a desk or table lol) in case he tried to call. That little note reminded me that yes, it WAS really that bad, and I found it impossible to ignore my own words in my own handwriting. For you, I'd add to it some of the things he did (or does) to DD because what someone does to our children hurts us more that what they to do us. And of course keep in mind your own safety. Don't put it anywhere he might see it or find it.

One thing to remember is that it's OK to acknowledge that there were 'good times'. To try to deny that just makes our brain/emotions/heart work even harder to tell us that those times were 'true'. And that (IMO) is one of the things that makes the bad times harder to keep to the forefront. So if you remember a good time, make yourself also remember a bad time to 'balance' things out. Because the bad times are just as 'true' as the good times. So say "Yes, that day at the beach was nice, but I also remember <insert bad time/bad thing> and that was horrible".

In time, you'll be able to remember the good times from a place of indifference. Just as you'll be able to regard him and everything he says and does with indifference. I know that time is not now, but it will happen somewhere down the line. And indifference is a great thing. Hatred uses just a much emotional energy as love. But indifference uses no energy whatsoever. And that's a very good place to be!

@Cryingatthegym so much here that is wise and thoughtful, and full of care and appreciation. Strangers on the Internet who are on your side can see what a wee trooper your DD is, and tell you so in ways that are heartfelt and truthful, but your soon to be ex - he couldn't do that. And I think and hope for you and your children that you're starting to see why. It's absolutely not you, and it's not them, it's the poison cloud that he brings (for whatever reason) and casts over your lives.

Just as @AcrossthePond55 says so beautifully, once he's gone your home, and your children, will feel so different. No tension, no fear, no (threat of) violence, no emotional manipulation. Honestly, I promise you, you'll have so many more resources and energy to invest in that which is positive and joyful, or simply easy and everyday. I used to dread coming home, and I realised (to my shame and horror) that my children must have too. But now we muddle along in ways that suit us and feel comfortable, even just watching the TV we like or eating the tea we want.

I'm rambling, sorry. But keep going, we're still all here on your side; please know that life lived free of, let's call it what is, abuse is so much freer and easier to navigate. You will get there, with your children.

Just popping on to echo what @chanceornochance said - we are (all) here for you ( some will come and go, but MN'ers are here for you, for as long as it takes.)

One of the 1st threads I read when I joined here last Nov/Dec was an update from a lady who had moved into her new home one year prev. I found and read her 2 prev threads - for over 2 years she had been supported by MN'ers.

Another thread I read started in Dec, and amongst other things she said ' It is hard, I am tired '
Yes it was hard, yes she was tired but she updated recently and life is so much better for her ! Yes her circumstances were different - no arrest, no abuse ( that I know of ) she too was supported by MN'ers for 6 months tho I have no idea if she had a prev thread so could have been supported for longer.

You can do this, it will get better.

Op you are doing really well. You are going through different stages of grief and shock right now, you won’t always feel like this so just hang on in there .

One practical thing you should do now is go through all his paperwork looking for anything financial and make copies of it, scans are best. If you have an iPhone there is a scan option in Notes . It’s just as quick as taking a photo.

Copy everything you can, even if you don’t understand what it’s about . Especially if you don’t know what it’s about . You don’t need to work out if it’s important or not. Whatever you do, don’t spend ages looking through 100 pages of documents to work out what matters, just take photos of these 100 pages.

Bank statements, mortgage , deeds to property , stocks and shares, insurance policies , savings , pensions , letters from finance companies , credit card statements, cars, company accounts,

it’s really important that you do this now, while the papers are still in your house. Yes it will take you hours but I promise you it will be time well spent.

One thing I’m 100% sure of is that you husband will hide assets in the divorce and this is your best chance of getting a clue that will lead your solicitor to them. This detective work may be the difference between you losing your house or keeping it. So please do it today.

Thank you for the support everyone. It really means so much. It's been a busy couple of days with the kids so I'm only just getting chance to catch up on messages now. @Sauvblanctime - can I ask what EMDR therapy did to help you specifically? I don't know much about it, but I'll try anything to get me through this hell. @AcrossthePond55, thank you for those tips. I especially like the idea of balancing out each good memory with a bad one. I think that could really help.

Today was DS's birthday. DD stayed up late with me wrapping his presents last night (she's never wrapped a present in her life, but she gave it her best shot!) and then helped him open them this morning. Then I kept the boys off nursery and took them for a day out with my dad, which was really nice but pretty relentlesly exhausting yet again. I'm feeling pretty guilty about how long it's taking me to sort things like the UC and CMS applications, but I'm not sitting down until about this time every evening, by which point I don't have much mental energy left. But I'll get there.

H was meant to be taking both boys out for tea and to the park for a couple of hours after work today, seeing as it's DS's birthday and he hasn't seen them since Thursday. But when he got here they'd both just woken up from a car nap and were both crying, so he ended up leaving without them after about 10 minutes of arguing with me about it.

I tried to insist that he take them, and told him that he can't just cherry pick the fun parts of parenting and dump them on me when they're being difficult, but he wouldn't. He was asking why he couldn't just come back and pick them up tomorrow instead, with literal tears in his eyes, asking why I have to be so difficult and saying 'it doesn't have to be like this'. And when that approach didn't work, he decided it was my fault he couldn't take them, because I'd let them fall asleep in the car and not timed the journey well enough.

My blood is just absolutely boiling that he thinks he can do that to them, and then act like I'm the unreasonable one for having a problem with it. They both perked up less than 10 minutes after he left, all they needed was a cup of milk and a distraction. Poor middle DS was crying 'my daddy's so naughty' after he'd gone and it simultaneously broke my heart and made me so angry. I may have text him telling him he's pathetic, which will no doubt be used by him as an example of me flying into a BPD rage!

This is just another example of him wanting everything his own way, and then making me the bad guy for standing up to him or disagreeing with him. His ability to turn the blame onto me for absolutely everything really is quite a skill.

Happy birthday to your DS. Remember that you are in the fog and in the worst of it. This time next year will be better, I promise. Stay strong and stay safe.

My blood is just absolutely boiling that he thinks he can do that to them, and then act like I'm the unreasonable one

@Cryingatthegym

That anger is good, it shows that you truly understand that it's not you, it's definitely him! But don't 'waste' on him because he truly doesn't give a shit if you get angry in fact it serves his purposes. Instead harness it deep down inside you and use it to help you get done what you need to do to move forward.

@Cryingatthegym what a strong woman you are and your dd what a lovely thoughtful and kind little girl, all traits you and her dad have given her.
As for the dead weight you've lost ie the oxygen thief your married to, if he makes any more threats or is verbally abusive in any way, log it with the police. He sounds absolutely vile and rancid.
I left my 1st husband after he threw one of the old style computer monitors at my head, it was the very last time he was violent towards me, my youngest witnessed it, he was 5 he's now 30 and still remembers it clearly, he and his older brother have said many times how much they respect and admire their mum for being strong and divorcing him.
The dark days will brighten, the weight will fall off your shoulders and you'll find your smile again, you're so deserving of a happy and fulfilled life.

@Cryingatthegym

You've had excellent advice. A relative of mine (J) is emerging from an abusive relationship (coercive control) and having been alongside her in the process I wanted to share some of her experiences.

He's so good at twisting the blame onto me for everything that I worry he will try to use things I've done or said in the relationship to make me seem like the abusive one if he is questioned by the police.

1/ J had this fear because she was constantly called abusive (with tears in his eyes too). Be reassured though that abusers are not unusual rare invisible creatures; they are bog standard, dime a dozen, utterly predictable. You have been in a fog because it crept up on you in the guise of love and complicated by children etc. But absolutely everyone else will see him clearly and obviously for what he is. This threat is meaningless.

2/ From J's experience: take the financial side very seriously. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to mediation over finances. It gives them another opportunity to abuse and control under the guise of mediation and it can be brutal. You cannot mediate with an abuser although he will try persuade you you can.

Take all the advice pp are giving you here re money to heart. Don't wait for him to disclose finances, investigate for yourself. He will use this now to 'control' you and torture you. Be aware of this and strip him of his power.

J has accepted a dire settlement after mediation because the process broke her and she would now rather struggle financially than go through more mediation with him.

3/ J has said things to me that blow my mind and I think you will have these revelations too. She said she's started to 'like who she is'. Not just because she's free of the constant criticism, but also because she no longer adapts her behaviour in micro ways to survive. She's said she respects herself more because she's no longer living in an 'inauthentic ' way. She can just be herself.

4/ J keeps saying she has moments of pure happiness in spite of the worry and not being through it all yet. These spots of happiness become anchor points for not going back. The most recent was her birthday with just her and the kids. She said it was the best birthday ever where she was just loved and spoiled with no strings or dark moments. She hadn't realised she'd never ever ever had that. Like your ex, hers also managed to mask his jibes with 'nice' words.

5/ She can't get over the sense of freedom she has. It's like she's learning to fly.

Please believe in the future I know you will have. You will be happy, free, and you will grow and love yourself.

@Cryingatthegym emdr helps to process trauma & move it to another part of your brain, I won’t lie, I cried for a week straight but my god it helped so much x

@missmousemouth thank you for your post, points 3, 4 and 5 have articulated how I feel, having left my husband recently, so well!

I cried with happiness last week when I attended an event without him and realised how much more I enjoyed it, even though I was by myself.

@Headingtowardsdivorce ❤️