Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

Remember constantly that your child is scared and hates being at home. You can adn must change that. She is your priority. You must show her that by leaving your shit relationship - however "nice" he pretends to be whenver you're about to leave, remember how short term it is and that his toxic abuse will start up again quickly if you don't leave him. He is not what you were put on earth to deal with and he doesn't deserve to be within 100 yards of your child, never mind in the same house. Then once you've left get some counselling to help process everything. You absolutely have to protect your daughter and yourself by leaving that bag of shit and not looking back.

Water bill - is it water rates or metered. should be easy to find out who supplies it.
down here it's South West Water and that's it. full stop. So you may find it is similar where you live ?

I remember when I moved in I didn't know/forgot who supplied the electricity, I phoned an electric company and was told that somewhere / someone has a record of who supplies the electric to the meter and I was given a phone number and yes the lady looked up my road and number and matched my meter number to who supplied my electricity - yes I know that's confusing but somewhere someone can tell you who provides your electricity. Find your meter and find the meter number on it, and you might as well take a meter reading at the same time.

I suppose there is a chance there is a sticker or sign on your gas and electricity meters ?

Don't be surprised if he stops paying the phone - does you have a landline ?
is your internet with the landline ?

Do you think he did everything online ?
or does he get letters in the post, if he does get letters in the post there is at least an address on the back of many saying whom they are from.

without me dominating your thread :)

I think your daughter will be relieved and happy ! Have you told her Dad yet ?

@Cryingatthegym

You're grieving the loss of the dream, not the loss of the man. Because he was never the man you thought he was, not really. So go ahead and grieve the dream, just don't make him the focus of it.

Don't assume that he's going to honour his promises to 'take care of you'. Chances are things are going to get 'contentious'. You've defied him. He's not going to let that pass easily. That's why you need to see a solicitor ASAP and do what they tell you. And I don't know what 'stuff' he's left behind, but I'd be going through any papers still there, or in the waste bin just on the offchance there's anything financial-related there. In fact, I'd be scouring the whole house for any documents he may have missed or thought unimportant. Chances are none, because just about everything is done online these days, but you never know.

And I know that legally one cannot change the locks on 'the marital home' but that won't prevent you from either leaving your key in the lock or putting a chain across the door to stop him from walking into the house 'for personal protection' now you're living alone. A chain or key in lock naturally doesn't stop him from coming in when you're gone, but it will keep him from 'surprising' you when you're home. A man using his key to come in unannounced after separating is a pretty common tactic intended to reinforce 'their rights' and to intimidate you. I'd also look into installing a Ring doorbell, again, 'because you're living alone'.

Thank you for all the practical advice, it's really appreciated when my head is such a mess.

Yes her dad knows, he's been checking in with me daily and has been really supportive throughout all of this. His ex actually had BPD so he's quite familiar with it and has been constantly reassuring me that I am in fact sane!

Get yourself sorted financially, you don't need any information from him about any bills. Call companies and get things into your name, whether that means moving to a new company or just a new account in your name. They are used to this situation when a couple have separated and the person remaining in the house has no access to the previous account or any information.

You have made the hardest decision already. The road ahead will have tough choices and complications but you are so much stronger than you think. 💐 You will feel the relief soon.

Whatever he promises: he is lying. He will not take care of you and the boys. He will not fairly disclose assets, he will not fairly share assets. Knowledge is power so he won’t share that either.

I hope today has been less painful @Cryingatthegym

I'm in a similar situation to you except my now ex is has bail conditions until September.

Your post resonates with me and I'm drawing strength from every reply.

You ladies are amazing 🥰

If you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me. I'm happy to help if you need a hand with the police side of things - being one myself 🫣

Morning OP, hope you got some sleep?!
I agree with @AcrossthePond55
I find myself mourning relationship I WANTED, the idea of PARTNERSHIP, the PROMISES, and FUTUREFAKING but all that is in my head.
What REALITY in this marriage is I should be happy to say goodbye too. Sure not every day is bad, and that is how they get you to stay but perfect husband act never lasts because its not genuine.

Thanks for checking in everyone and I'm so sorry you're going through similar @singlemum81. Today has been another tough day, I've been with the DC all day while he's been moving more stuff out. He's a bit of a hoarder and he has SO much stuff, so he needs to come back for the rest at some point next week. But he's handed over his house key and car key. It's exactly one year today since he dragged me out of bed and down the stairs.

Emotionally I'm still all over the place, I barely slept last night and keep having waves of sadness and grief, but the boys are keeping me distracted, exhausting though they are! I also managed to have a coffee in the park with my friend this morning which was nice. H gave me a hug as he left this afternoon, and said 'I hope it's okay to still care about you, even though you've made me feel bad about that these last few weeks'. Ok then. I didn't say anything, but it really didn't help with how confused and hurt I feel right now.

Practically I haven't managed to do that much with the kids around, but I had a call with work about how to support me coming back/moving forwards as a single parent, and Women's Aid called me for a check in as well. The police are coming round tonight, and I'll be busy with the kids all weekend, so UC and solicitor might have to wait til Monday. I'll see how I get on.

I think you're right about grieving the relationship I wanted rather than the one I had. I need to keeo remembered that

This is going to sound mad and is totally TMI so I'm sorry, but I really miss him in a sexual sense. We really did have fantastic sex. Sometimes it felt like that was the only part of our relationship that worked properly. I'm worried I'll ever find that kind of spark with anyone else again.

You can do Universal Credit online when the children are in bed.

' and said 'I hope it's okay to still care about you, even though you've made me feel bad about that these last few weeks'. '

that's nicely chosen wording to mess with your head - yet again

I wonder how long he took to think of that wording

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

that's nicely chosen wording to mess with your head - yet again

I wonder how long he took to think of that wording

Yes - one thing I've really noticed over the last few weeks is how often he'll say things that seem nice on the surface, but leave me feeling shit without me really understanding why. It's so subtle. I never realised before.

I hope the police are supportive when they visit tonight.

The heartbreak is intolerable. I don't know about you but my stomach is in constant knots.

I'm sorry your ex was emotionally manipulative today - such a head fuck.

Totally get what you said about the amazing sex and feeling like you'll never feel that way about another man. I feel the same. I think he's broken me forever. Like you, this was my 'second chance'.

I hope this passes soon 😭

Make up sex, sex on the edge of a volcano, and sex with an abuser are all pretty exciting. Our mind mistakes the rush of cortisol and riot of endorphins released by our fear/submission routine with love

Stay strong OP - so many people on here are supporting you

He may continue to manipulate you with all sorts - fond memories, gaslighting, what appears to be nice but isn't ( he knows all the tricks)

You have made the big step - don’t go back now. You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Exactly what I needed to hear yet again. Thank you.

@singlemum81 the crazy thing is I didn't even realise it was manipulative! He says stuff like this all the time. How has it taken me so long to notice?!

I believed my ex when he said sorry and said all the right things to suck me back in.

I believed him because I can't comprehend why someone would bullshit?? I still can't get my head around why they WANT to be abusive? Why destroy what we had 🤷‍♀️

The police just left. They said they might have to speak to him about what I've told them so I'm worried now. He'll be so angry if he finds out I've been to them again.

sadly he is frequently angry, esp when you don't do as he says / wants

at least you have his key, and I am sure you will have put on a chain or left your key in the lock or whatever you can do to stop him getting in

would he be so stupid as to try something - he has already been arrested once

and if he texts / phones, just ignore

obiv keep any texts/screenshot them for future info

and if he does turn up angry - 999

He is going to be angry because you, and the police, have called his bluff. That is what he deserves. He deserves to be frightened, upset, humiliated, worried. That is what the law is there for—so lawbreakers and abusers get slapped down and set back.

Just practice being calm. “Your treatment of me is so bad that the police were alarmed. If you don’t want another visit stop engaging with me. Just let us separate peacefully. Don’t call me, or come to the house. Lets both walk away.”

This is what one would hope - at the very least they feel ashamed?!

A normal person would for sure but I do wonder if these abusive men are only capable of pure contempt for women who call the police?

I think I'm so used to living my life trying not to make him angry or annoyed at me. Because everything is fine until I do.

He's so good at twisting the blame onto me for everything that I worry he will try to use things I've done or said in the relationship to make me seem like the abusive one if he is questioned by the police. He actually said the other day that if he told the 'truth' about our relationship then he could probably have me arrested and charged.

That's been his main tactic over the last year or so, and has certainly been his narrative over the past few weeks. Telling me that I'm the abusive one and he's the victim, that things I've done and said have been just as bad/abusive as things he's done or said, even if the context of them was totally different. And that my abusive/crazy behaviour is what's lead to him being abusive towards me.

My head is just such a muddle. I did speak to DD's dad, who reassured me that nobody but me is taken in by his BS, and that none of the stuff I'm worried about him using against me is that bad.

Every time he says you are the abuser, even in your head, get up, walk to the door, and say “please go!” Lots of relaydon’t wirk out. The abuser isn’t the one who ends it, usually. If he doesn’t like you he should leave. And you are telling him just that.

Well done OP, you are doing great!!
Don’t fall for his tricks and traps, whatever he is blackmailing you with just ignore him.
And if you are really worried seek professional advice, woman’s aid or even pm the previous poster that mentioned they are in police force…but don’t believe anything your STBXH says. It’s all manipulation 💐