Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Monday is DS's birthday.

If he doesn't leave I'll go to my mum's with the kids and figure it out from there. That's my last resort.

There's already a bag of clothes and pyjamas at her house for us, all of our passports and birth certificates are there too. Women's Aid advised me to do that quite early on.

I was already meant to be having a catch up with my Women's Aid support worker this morning, so I'll call her first and take it from there.

This is all quite mild and restrained for him which is making me doubtful. Is it really bad enough for the police?

Please speak to you women’s aid worker today about the incident yesterday, where he came into the bathroom, attacked you, broke the shower and threw you out naked into the hall in front of your children.

You need to report this to the police.

I recently contacted the police about my ex and his behaviour and they were exceptional. Took me very seriously. Afterwards, I thought, why the hell didn't I do that before.

So, this is not expert advice, but the experience of another woman who has been in a very similar, increasingly frightening situation and who is now (exactly) 12 months "clean" (to use someone's very astute addiction metaphor).

He has assaulted you in the past. What you describe in the shower/bathroom is assault. It's shocking and upsetting to read; it's not okay, it's not something that can be apologised for.

The police are, I believe, on your side in this. What is happening is serious and it is dangerous. If it helps you to have permission to contact the police, here it is. Call them. From my experience, it was hugely helpful and important. I regret that I didn't do it before, but not that I did it recently.

We are here for you. Take the steps necessary to keep you and your children safe.

@j0s it happened this morning. He didn't touch me. He was just verbally aggressive and banged the shower really hard.

Yesterday was him telling me that he's going to be picking the boys up every day from nursery whether I like it or not and I can't stop him.

I don't sat this to pick on your words, believe me, but truly there's nothing "just" about being verbally aggressive. He was aggressive. And he was aggressive after he invaded, deliberately, your personal space, carrying out his acts of aggression when you were vulnerable and in rightful expectation of privacy and safety.

What he's doing is unacceptable on every level.

@chanceornochance thank you. This is what I need to hear.

Did the police arrest your ex when you called them? I'm honestly scared of what he'll do or say if he's arrested again.

I'm freaking out a bit to be honest.

No, they didn't, because it was after he'd left, but was still making threats / bullying / generally throwing his unpleasant weight around. Though they made it clear that they would listen if I wanted to report him for past crimes, and that they would respond immediately if his current behaviour continued.

I understand your fear; it is why I didn't call the police when he was still in the house. (Though I think now my fear was irrational, all screwed up by the headfuckery of his lies and posturings.)

So, I don't know what would happen in your specific situation, but I think / hope women's aid could offer some clarity and guidance.

He is escalating and testing you. This is the anniversary of you calling the police snd he is pushing, insulting, and threatening you to see if he can do whatever he wants eithout you doing it again.

The shower incident was completely awful. You are basically no longer in a relationship with him. He is supposed to be moving out. Would you think this was acceptable if he fid it to the woman next door? Of course not. He came to look at your naked body and was physically aggressive with you in a small, enclosed, space.

Log it with the police. Tell them you are afraid his behavior is escalating as the anniversary gets closer and that slthough he has agreed to move out you fear that he won’t do it. Tell them he is abusing you in front of the children.

This is all very, very, serious.

Please ignore all his crap about borderline. Even if it were true it does not mean he has the right to this behavior. BPD does not mean you are fair game for abuse. Abuse is abuse.

I spoke to Women's Aid. She didn't seem to think it was a police matter. She said I could call them if it makes me feel better but she didn't think anything would come of it because he hasn't really done anything.

@pikkumyy77 I don't think it's about seeing me naked. I think it's just about seeing himself as more important and deserving of the bathroom than I am.

I also don't think calling the police will help here. I think you need to wait it out til next week when he has said he will go. If he doesn't go then you need to think of a plan B.
i fully see why you saw red and got angry with him yesterday but you do need to try hard not to engage in throwing his actions back at him. You're just providing more ammo for him.

Why do you minimize this? Of course it was about both. He thinks he has rights to you/over you that no one has over an ex. He chose to come in on you when you were undressed and psychologically vulnerable. And it worked. Your response to him is terror. He is pumping it out on you.

@PeriIsKickingMyButt I didn't get angry or see red. I just firmly reiterated why I didn't think his proposition was reasonable and that he wasn't in a position to bully me.

I guess I was thinking that it might be helpful to have a record of his behaviour and how it's affecting me.

I called police after DV helpline advised me to, Police officer I spoke to said they need to send someone round, and the officer that came couldn't really do anything but at least that incident got logged.
don't ever feel like you are wasting g their time, if police thinks its not police matter they will not send anyone over, but if you have so many reported incidents of aggression surely that's helping to build a picture police wouldn't have if you keep quiet.

Op I think you should stay with your mum Until DP moves out. Hes going to be aggressive, causing fights, throwing his weight around, its dawned on him Mr Nice Guy didn't work, and split is really happening. and his tolerance is so low he couldn't even wait to use bathroom, what's next?
You and your kids should not be around him.
Go to your mums and once you are there say to him you will stay with family until he moves out next week because his aggressive behaviour is unacceptable.

as for child arrangements I think he is just demanding more contact to upset you and to control you. Even with him choosing his own hours its not sustainable and certainly not good for you so stick to your original proposal.

report it to the police anyway.

he humiliated you - naked in the hallway in front of your children.

was your daughter around at the time

have you spoken to the solicitor yet

is today THE birthday or is it next weds ?

and

I think your daughter should go to her Daddy tomorrow as usual and stay there until this is over

does she have to be there on THE birthday ?

DD is away with her dad's side of the family this week thankfully.

DS's birthday is on Monday.

He gets the keys to the rental house back today apparently.

This morning I've been finishing my last coursework assignment (deadline was 12 noon today) and just been to the dentist. I'm on my way home now and the next job on my list is to call a solicitor. And the police maybe.

I can't believe this is my life. I feel sick.

Its always darkest before the dawn.

your doing great! keep going!

I called the police. An officer is going to call me back.

I am honestly so scared of what he'll do or say if he finds out.

and that is the issue - you should not be scared of reporting your husband's behaviour to the police

you should not be scared of your husband
it is his behaviour, not yours

and he and only he is responsible for his behaviour

i don't know if anyone else is thinking/feeling this, and i don't want to scare you any further

I think it's going to get worse

be ready to flee the home with your children
be ready to dial 999

I really think your daughter should stay with her dad for the time being OP. I understand you say she wants to be with you but it's not her job to make decisions about her safety, that's your job.

You are quite rightly afraid of your partner and he is escalating. Your children are an extension of you, hence him already using them to control and frighten you.

This is not a safe dynamic, emotionally or otherwise, for your daughter to be living under the same roof as.

Once he's gone she can come back and be safe with you but in the meantime I think it's a bad call for her to be at yours rather than with her dad in a safe and stable household.

@alldayeveryday247

The Op has just said that daughter is away with her Dad's family on holiday. so she is safe until Sunday when she is due to return

hence my asking if she really has to be present at THE birthday

Yes it's good she's away for now but I think she should stay with her dad for as long as it takes for OP to get her current partner out for good.

Her daughter can still see OP and her brothers of course but living under the same roof as an abusive relationship, with a man whose behaviour will likely escalate as it becomes clear he's losing his grip on OP, is not in her daughter's best interests.

@alldayeveryday247

I agree, that's why I have asked if she actually needs to be at THE birthday

Sorry you seem to think I have picked you up on something but my original post was directed at OP rather than you?

I agree with you.