How to handle Mum who doesn't seem capable of normal conversation

[GrowingBetter]

My mum clearly wants a closer relationship with me but I find it so hard to relate to her. She's always been a SAHM apart from tiny bits of tutoring here and there, nothing consistent.

I wouldn't say I'm particularly career driven but I've always worked and enjoy my work, it's a big part of my life. She has no idea how to make conversation about my work which would be fine on it'l was the only issue between us.

She never rings me for a chat but always likes to WhatsApp message me in an instant message type style. Which I find really annoying. If I call her she's shocked and thinks something's wrong.

Every couple of weeks she'll send me an overly sentimental/ gushing message saying by how she loves and misses me and has been thinking about me, which I have no idea how to reply to, and just irks me tbh. She doesn't put a question in it so I don't even know if she wants me to reply and I don't want to encourage it anyway.

I know she means well but I'd rather her just call me and have a normal chat to catch up, which she seems to be incapable of.

I feel like I need to accept her for who she is but who she is is very difficult to relate to.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you handle it?

The back story is that she moved abroad with my dad when was 19 years old for about 15 years, in that time I got married and had kids. Now they are back in the UK but live about 2 hours away from me. I see them every two months for a weekend or so. (I'm glad that they live that distance from me as I imagine she would be suffocating if she was in the same town as me).

Wait till your children feel like this about you.

The OP is perhaps not planning to fuck off abroad while her kids are still teenagers and never ask them about their lives when she’s back, @AGodawfulsmallaffair

You are being unnecessary mean about a woman who certainly put a heart and soul bringing you up. Do you look down at other people too?

Warming you up for taking on the caring responsibilities when she or your Dad become frailer.

Are you maybe resentful that she moved overseas when you were 19 and missed 15 years of yours and your DC's lives? Maybe keeping her at arms length feels safer.

How's your relationship with your dad?

@Kosenrufugirl I know I look down on her for not working and I try really hard not to. But I feel like it's been a vicious cycle for her... she has crippling low self esteem which I feel is party due to her not working / having a purpose. Because of that she then feels she's not good enough to work. She massively struggles to live in the real world which is not helped by her not working. Like if I spoke to her about child care costs and me trying to work out the most cost effective way of using the 30 hours free childcare etc she would have literally no idea what I'm talking about.

Many people get anxious on the phone. I know I do because the conversation seems to move too quickly and I like to be able to see someone’s face. I have mainly text conversations with all my friends. I guess it boils down to whether you want to rebuild a relationship with your mum or not.

I don't phone my adult children I either speak to them F2F or message. If you want to speak to your mum phone her if she is caught out just say you fancy a chat, but it sounds like you don't like her that much and are struggling with that. You either accept her the way she is or you don't because I don't think she will do anything right in your eyes.

I think WhatsApp chat is a perfectly normal way of communicating. I almost never ring anyone. Even my parents. I hate talking on the phone.

I also don’t think anyone who wasn’t a parent or familiar with the 30 hours free childcare would understand or be able to chat about that tbh. It’s a bit niche. My friends who aren’t parents wouldn’t have a clue!

You need to find some common ground something that isn’t your job, your issues with childcare. Talk about holidays, hobbies, her life, her interests. No one wants to talk about someone else’s job or childcare issues

You’re getting some harsh replies here, but I can definitely relate to having a mother I can’t relate to at all. We communicate by WhatsApp only (which I prefer) which is 80% her sending me random instagram reels and YouTube videos that I don’t watch but I ‘like’ the message to acknowledge it. The other 20% is “hi, how are you” and chat about the weather.

We are just completely different people and can’t find any common ground beyond surface level shit like the weather.

We have completely different values and I know she disapproves of my lifestyle choices. I’m a single woman in her 30s living in London who puts career, travel, exercise/fitness, an active social life and personal accomplishments at the centre her life - to DM, I might as well be an alien from another planet.

I’ve just accepted this is how things are, and it sounds like that’s what you’ll have to do. A lot of it depends on how you feel about yourself and your life - if you are happy and confident in yourself/your choices, it’s easier to accept you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. Good luck.

@SamanthaJonesWasRight I have been very resentful about her leaving...no help with choosing or settling into uni. No help with childcare when kids were little. No support moving house etc. But I've voiced that to her and explained that I'd like to move on. She's so confrontation adverse that she could barely communicate with me about it. And she seemed completely shocked/oblivious to the idea that I missed out on their support for the time that they were away.

I find my dad easier to converse with and I don't have as much resentment towards him because I feel like he's done his part in the traditional set up of the family which was to financially provide for the family. Whereas my mum even though she was a SAHM she didn't cook and barely cleaned the house when I was growing up. I don't know how she spent her time when we were at school. They left due to my dads work and I sort of understand my dad's reasons for chasing his career. But why would my mum be OK with leaving her children just because they justt turned adults.

I know I'm overly critical of my mum. I can talk directly to my dad about my thoughts/resentments and so I've cleared the air with him. Whereas my mum just seems incapable of engaging with me in any meaningful way but clearly wants to connect with me.

Thank you.

I'm quite happy now....and I think that this is why it's actually on my mind. Before, when I was going through hard times I wouldnt even consider trying to improve our relationship.

I think by the replies I'm getting people haven't realised that I do want to improve our relationship. But I don't know how. I don't even know if it's possible.

It sounds like she was doing what was expected and followed her husband you know he also left you, .he put his career before his children and his wife who probably relied on him financially put herself first because she didn't know what else to do. I might be talking rubbish and she was a totally absent parent growing up and she's just as selfish as your father who also didn't support you.

I imagine that your mum being a sahm and following your dad when he moved abroad enabled your dad to have the life he wanted. It seems unfair that you blame her but not him.

I guess when I go to toddler groups half the adults their are grandparents and I hear them chatting amongst themselves saying I'm part time now so that I can look after my grandson for my daughter. So it very much does seem like they understand their child's life and the detail of how childcare works and what a working mums life is like.

If this was the only issue it would not be a big deal but that amongst all the other issues just makes it so difficult to relate or even just chat to her.

I want a better relationship with her....it certainly doesn't hinge on her understanding my childcare needs.

I think it does hinge partly on us communicating well though.

Yeah and I acknowledge this. But I feel like I've been able to talk it through with my dad whereas I can't with my mum as she goes blank.

And she did say that she was happy to move because she wanted to be closer to her sibling.
So it wasn't all about her following my dad. She wanted to move too.

If you want to improve the relationship just chat messaging is fine and it's comfortable for her say you will phone on x night for a catch up so she's forewarned, but she really isnt that interested in childcare issues just mention it and move on, same with your work maybe your dad bores her to tears with his work stories so she can't cope with yours .

If she sends you long mushy messages acknowledge them keep it short if you don't know how to respond, just keep trying with her.

Maybe she felt you were all adults so it was fine I'm not trying to excuse her just trying to understand,

My parents went abroad when I was 17 and came back when they retired, now they want a close relationship.
I don't even know who they are and didn't have a happy childhood.
They bought the house opposite to me and then started coming over everyday.
It was like being doorstepped by the Jehovahs. I moved 300 miles away because I couldn't cope with them or the many years where I'd been dumped by them both.

I really hope not! My dad is 12 years older than my mum. So she will likely be on her own for a while when she out lives him. I honestly don't know if she is capable of living independently. She's a very emotional person.

If our relationship hasn't improved from now when the time comes where she needs my help I don't know how I'd be able to care for her.

I want to get to a place where I feel caring for her but at the moment it just isn't there.

So a woman who was financially dependent on a man gets the blame because she followed him when he moved abroad, but he didn't get any blame because, you know, career?

How much of her being a sahp was down to your dad's wishes?

She doesn't call you because she knows how busy you are but she wants to remain in contact, have you told her she can call anytime or do you not answer her calls everything or keep the conversation very brief?

I think you are holding onto a lot of hurt but directing it at the wrong person, you need to ask yourself why that is.

Yeah I'm continually trying to understand their behaviour. I just don't get it. She comes across as very loving on a surface level yet how she has lived her life just does not add up.

I could not imagine just leaving the country the year before my kid start uni. I couldn't imagine not going shopping with them to get them settled into uni halls.

Say if I mentioned I'm going away for a weekend with my kids she would never remember that and ask me how it went. Again it's not a big deal on its own but along with everything else it just all adds up to a really shit relationship.

I sympathise with having a mum with whom you have nothing in common. I never had the relationship I would have liked with her, we just had nothing to talk about. No particular faults on either side, just very different lives (I work, she didn’t, I don’t have kids, etc etc). I just accept it was what it was. You do sound angry with your mum though and probably need to unpick this with someone impartial? And btw, don’t take on caring resps if you don’t want to, out of guilt. Defo not a good idea for your mental health, other relationships, etc.

You're right I am carrying hurt from my mum.

I have been through a period of blaming my dad though and feeling very hurt. And I've moved passed it because I've had it out with him. So I'm not carrying that hurt anymore.

But I can't with my mum.

My dad absolutely would have been fine with her working. She has directly said that it was her choice to be a SAHP.

It's not just about the hurt though. I can have a normal conversation with my dad. I can't with my mum she likes to tell long stories about irrelevant things. She doesn't know how to have a normal chat. And she doesn't know or is incapable of remembering significant things about me.

Just to say I also get it- I have so little in common with my Mum, and her conversational skills are awful. I tend to cycle through the same half a dozen small talk questions when I see her.

It feels crappy, but I don’t see it changing now so I just try to make my peace with it.