How to handle Mum who doesn't seem capable of normal conversation

[GrowingBetter]

My mum clearly wants a closer relationship with me but I find it so hard to relate to her. She's always been a SAHM apart from tiny bits of tutoring here and there, nothing consistent.

I wouldn't say I'm particularly career driven but I've always worked and enjoy my work, it's a big part of my life. She has no idea how to make conversation about my work which would be fine on it'l was the only issue between us.

She never rings me for a chat but always likes to WhatsApp message me in an instant message type style. Which I find really annoying. If I call her she's shocked and thinks something's wrong.

Every couple of weeks she'll send me an overly sentimental/ gushing message saying by how she loves and misses me and has been thinking about me, which I have no idea how to reply to, and just irks me tbh. She doesn't put a question in it so I don't even know if she wants me to reply and I don't want to encourage it anyway.

I know she means well but I'd rather her just call me and have a normal chat to catch up, which she seems to be incapable of.

I feel like I need to accept her for who she is but who she is is very difficult to relate to.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you handle it?

The back story is that she moved abroad with my dad when was 19 years old for about 15 years, in that time I got married and had kids. Now they are back in the UK but live about 2 hours away from me. I see them every two months for a weekend or so. (I'm glad that they live that distance from me as I imagine she would be suffocating if she was in the same town as me).

What's wrong with your mum being a SAHM? I grew up with my mum being a SAHM and I actually appreciate that she was there for us. Most of my friends went home after school (secondary) to an empty house and parents would come home late in the evening.

I don't speak on the phone either... its horrific for many people with SEN, MH, ND and a host of disabilities including things like failing hearing issues (common with older age).

Frankly you just sound cold, judgemental and ignorantly ablist... just because stuff like work, mental health and talking on the phone is easy for you doesn't mean it is for others. Its also not just 'fixable' by being more like you, you haven't figured out a magic lifestyle that fixes MH issues, you are just lucky.

Exactly this.

Also, the mother may well have undiagnosed Autism or something else, if her self esteem is so low, and she finds working hard.. that isn't 'normal'.. she could well have some disorder.

It was the DAD that fecked off overseas... yet he isn't blamed?

As others have said..Wait til your own children turn against you as adults.. It can happen.

Try to be kinder to your mum.

In your update, you say she was a bad SAHM and had no interest in cooking or cleaning. I suppose this depends on how bad she was, neglect or just slapdash? I was an SAHM for a while and tbh, I am not a great cook or cleaner, because it's frankly boring and thankless work.

I note a lot of condescension in your responses, about how your mum would die of a broken heart if your dad ever left etc etc, while you are, of course, so much more evolved. Older generations lived their lives differently to us, and it seems ridiculous to expect a mirror image of yourself.

My mum was married to my dad for over 40 years, and was an incredibly devoted wife. He died and she made a new life .Your mum may yet surprise you.

i was going to suggest she might have adhd. i love my family dearly but hardly communi6by voice. Find it easier by text. i find opening up emotionally difficult even for small things.
i feel for you. you obviously want a healthy relationship with your mum but for many reasons cant. I also feel for your mum. Supported your dad, had adhd or some emotional/neuro regulation issues and is effectively punished for it. reminds of my own family where as they got older my mum has borne some resentment from siblings while dad (who was ok but had many many faults and was a difficult mum) became a saint. I wonder if this happens to many women

This stuff about "getting anxious on the phone",
is it the young people? Is it new? Genuinely,
I found it baffling.
In my time, I couldn't afford to even think whether I'm anxious on the phone or not 😂

The notion that you can't talk to your mother about your job because she hasn't worked is ridiculous! I talk to mine about my job, my siblings do too. She and my dad used to talk about his work all the time. My mum is educated but chose to stay at home when we were younger as she wanted us to be her priority. And now we all have our own lives and live away she isn't this crumbling, emotional (insert whatever stereotypes about SAHM) wreck.

I understand OP. Since becoming a parent I find myself really reflecting on the choices my parents made and they honestly seem baffling to me. Its hard.

The last part of your comment here reminded me of how I felt about my mum in the years leading up to her recent dementia diagnosis (she is young, diagnosed at 65).

I’ve had a similarly fraught relationship with her over the years and was super frustrated that she wasn’t interested in my life at all—the slide into dementia just looked like her becoming “more” of what she was before.

If it seems like this kind of thing is getting worse, perhaps flag with your father or someone else in your family.

My mother pretty much abandoned me in a similar way (not abroad, but may as well have been) when I was about 15 or 16 and I have always been very emotionally and practically self sufficient, my entire life as a result of lack of any real parenting. I had a largely absent father as well.

She was never very supportive or present when my children were little either. Now she is old and alone and bored and lonely, she wants to gush about how close we are and talks about the past in a way I just don't recognise as the childhood I had or the relationship she likes to think we had. It's like she's talking about two other people completely. I feel absolutely nothing except a vague sense of duty towards her, and I know she's a bit baffled by this, and likes to feel rather sorry for herself at how things have turned out. The clues were always there, should she have cared to look when it mattered.

Of course, you are just perfect I guess.

I have gone the other way, and am much kinder. . I judged them harshly when I was young and arrogant, and now realise how tough it is to balance work, children, marriage, finances, and the bloody housework on top of everything. I have made many of the same mistakes they did.

Of course, I am not talking about abuse or neglect

I honestly think you are being a bit ungrateful, I don't think you realise how many people would kill to have their mum message them often reminding them they are loved. And it's not your god given right for your parents to look after the children you chose to have. If its more support you want, then you need to be more up front with her. Have you ever said mum can you look after the kids twice a month on a Saturday for example? Is she really that difficult? Maybe you have nothing in common or whatever but sounds like she loves you and wants to be there. And I'm guessing she is probably getting on in life so maybe try to appreciate that time too. I would have loved for my mum to be there more growing up, but she was always at work and college. then she died in an accident when I was 13. It makes me sad that you are criticising her for being a SAHM because she probably sacrificed any career prospects to raise her kids. Women do so so much and get judged. But all men need to do is hold down a job and their hero's. You sound like an entitled daddys girl. Show your mum some love and if you want something from her be upfront.

Wow - you sound like a charmer.

Yes this is me, too. I would say I didn’t have a great childhood or a good relationship with my parents really ever in my life.
But they also dealt with a lot of trauma and have had some incredibly awful things in their own lives. I’ve come to understand that we are all shaped by our own circumstances and this has made me lean towards kindness, empathy and understanding.
Grandparents are not obligated to look after your children.
You actually sound quite patronising and mean.

Seems odd you can't relate to some just because they were a stay at home parent and you work. And I don't understand you resenting her sending messages I presume bigging you up and saying she loves you. Poor you, hope you get through this.

It’s hard to maintain a close relationship with your parents when they disappear for the parts that shape you most as an adult. My parents moved o/s when I had children and even when they moved back were still 3hrs away which is so hard to find time with small children when the grandparents are not really very interested. Now my children are all teenagers and my parents are shocked they don’t really have a relationship with them. Tbh my parents didn’t seem to like me as a child either so maybe children just bore them.

Yes talk to your therapist, there is a lot of pick through about your relationship with your mum.

I think if you want to build the relationship with her then you need to try and fit alongside what she is doing. So stick to text messages, let her talk about old times, send her photos of the kids. It’s a bit frustrating but try and get in the same rhythm - you may be able to flex your style more than she can.

I’ve heard about a book called the Mother Wound on here. There’s another one about emotionally immature parents which may describe your mum. It’s hard when the communication is so disjointed and jarring.

I think you need to work on yourself rather than expecting them to change or expecting your mother to be someone she isn’t.

You are very judgemental. They made choices about work etc that suited them at a different time when many women didn’t work. Even today many mothers don’t.

I have found it extremely liberating to realise that my parents did the best they could at the time based on their own inherent flaws and circumstances. They didn’t have a crystal ball on the future and they weren’t telepathic. They were never very child oriented. They were more dedicated to each other than to us. But this gave us a high level of independence that I am grateful for. They are deeply fond of their grandchildren in a distant rather than hands-on way. I have accepted that and consequently we have a good relationship. As my kids get older their relationship has improved as they can have more grownup conversations.

You want your mum to be someone she is not, and to talk about stuff she cannot understand - I don’t think your expectations are realistic, and you are unlikely to get the result you want. Just because you have reached an understanding with your dad doesn’t make it reasonable to dump all your resentment on her when she is obviously the ‘trailing wife’

Great post. Wide perspective. (Sounds like my adult son, difficult relationship at times).

She doesn't sound like the best mum, but she doesn't sound like the worst mum either. It's not easy, but I suppose you need to accept her for who she is, flaws and all.

If she has low self-esteem, she may not phone you because she worries that she will bore you, because she has nothing much to say. She may also be very fearful of any sort of conflict - including your natural resentment about her abandonment of you at 19. I can see how difficult it would be to forgive her for that and I don't see how you can if she won't talk about it.

You could step back a bit and reduce your expectations of her. If she's great with the kids, maybe you could just send her whatsapps about them and what they are up to and see how that works out.

This is one of those things where I think there's two separate threads people are reading! The dm sounds absolutely self-centred and self involved.
She's not interested in op or her family beyond the superficial whatsapp gushing. Happy to talk about things that interest her *
I could indulge her and let her tell me about long stories of her neighbours or stories from her childhood. She often gets emotional when she tells these stories...I don't know why she brings them up.*

My mum talks a lot about her family, and gets emotional since she lost her mum and sister. People do as they get older. I probably will too.

What I see on MN is parents often can;t do anything right. That may not be necessarily OP's situation as it seems complex. But there are other posts complaining about mums who phone constantly instead of using WhatsApp.

My parents were also expats. They dragged me along with them. I complained about that. But I would also have complaned if they shunted me into boarding school, as many do. They couldn;t win really, as I now realise, having done an expat position of my own.