How to handle Mum who doesn't seem capable of normal conversation

[GrowingBetter]

My mum clearly wants a closer relationship with me but I find it so hard to relate to her. She's always been a SAHM apart from tiny bits of tutoring here and there, nothing consistent.

I wouldn't say I'm particularly career driven but I've always worked and enjoy my work, it's a big part of my life. She has no idea how to make conversation about my work which would be fine on it'l was the only issue between us.

She never rings me for a chat but always likes to WhatsApp message me in an instant message type style. Which I find really annoying. If I call her she's shocked and thinks something's wrong.

Every couple of weeks she'll send me an overly sentimental/ gushing message saying by how she loves and misses me and has been thinking about me, which I have no idea how to reply to, and just irks me tbh. She doesn't put a question in it so I don't even know if she wants me to reply and I don't want to encourage it anyway.

I know she means well but I'd rather her just call me and have a normal chat to catch up, which she seems to be incapable of.

I feel like I need to accept her for who she is but who she is is very difficult to relate to.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you handle it?

The back story is that she moved abroad with my dad when was 19 years old for about 15 years, in that time I got married and had kids. Now they are back in the UK but live about 2 hours away from me. I see them every two months for a weekend or so. (I'm glad that they live that distance from me as I imagine she would be suffocating if she was in the same town as me).

And my DDs and I communicate by whatsapp all the time - it is a great joy.

I wish I had your mum to be frank. Mine has severe mental health issues and there’s definitely no relating there. Why does it matter if she WhatsApps instead of calls. I have a career but I have friends who are stay at home mums, why does that matter? There’s plenty to have in common still.

This. i cant see she is doing anything wrong. If she called you all the time, you would complain about being constantly interrupted.

My mum communicates with me by Whatsapp because she knows I am busy or on the Tube.

So you're clinging onto a choice your mum and dad made when you were an adult, when they moved abroad?

You seem resentful that your mum was afforded the luxury of being a SAHM, and SACRIFICED her own time in developing friendships, a career, a life of her own, to raise you.

You sound entitled, and truthfully, your mum would be better cutting ties with you, if you can't be bothered. You are belittling, narcissistic and quite frankly a God awful daughter. I hope you try harder as a mum.

I am Asian and my mum was not allowed to work, though she was educated. A different situation perhaps, but with the same outcome.

There is a lot we cannot talk about in re my career. I focus on the things we can talk about: books, plants, music, travel, food, my DC and so on.

Sending messages about how much she loves you is hardly a hanging offfence.

@GrowingBetter forgive me as I haven’t RTFT as not enough time this morning. So I don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this, but could your Mum be neurodiverse? If she struggles with phone communication, small talk, being able to be an “normal” supportive parent, and you feel a lack of empathy, could she be autistic? This may explain why she has struggled to find work and the low self esteem as well. Ignore me if irrelevant.

I think you are very forgiving of your dad considering it was his work that took them abroad. Perhaps she was very torn, but didn’t have the resources or self esteem to manage without him. She sounds like she might have had some mental health issues to deal with that made her so dependent and inert at home.

She’s doing her best to build a relationship with you. Accept it for what it is and work out the mechanics as you go along.

Remember she won’t be around for ever and as anyone who’s lost a parent will tell you, you may see things differently when it’s too late to fix them.

🌟 for being the 1st to wheel out that mn trope....🙄

Some of the responses on here are so odd. I get OP. You might need to accept that your relationship will be limited and set your boundaries accordingly. Thingd probably wont change much.people with parents who weren't like this just won't understand..

Hey ops mum (or similar 'parenting' standards) feel better for spitting out that vitriol?

I can't imagine being such a snob about my mum. You sound like a pretty awful person to be around.

This, I'm actually bamboozled that op has received so many nasty, vitriolic responses under the guise of 'how selfish of you to think of your emotions and how you've been affected. THINK OF YOUR MOTHER!! she's the victim in all of this!!'

She's trying to keep in touch with you. What are you doing to do the same? Do you ring her and jolly things along?
Going over the past again and again in the guise of "trying to understand" won't help. She will deflect and try to keep things light. She probably feels guilty, but followed her husband's job as many do.

You don't have to dissect the past to move forward. You don't have to have a close relationship. Just muddle along, working it out as you go. If you want to talk, ring her and talk. She doesn't have to understand the intricacies or remember stuff, not everyone can.

@Meetingofminds I hope you fine peace with whatever has disturbed your life. With respect, this reads as something of a one-dimensional projection onto OP's situation. .

OP: perhaps find a therapist with whom you can reflect on what you want from the remaining years you may have with your family; what is truly valuable to you, and should that be on-going engagement, how you can engage with integrity?

No, everyone's mum doesn't. I never had the benefit of this scheme, but I understand perfectly well how it relates to my children and grandchildren. It's not that complicated for us old dears to get our heads round.

You acknowledge you look down on her for not working, which is wrong of you, but then you continue to disparage her choices. You sound very condescending: silly old housewife mum has never worked, can’t have a chat like a normal person, has no idea what’s going on in the world, etc.

This is a really nasty attitude to have towards your mum. Perhaps she’s reluctant to talk to you because she feels the condescension oozing out of you. I feel sorry for her. Her messages about loving you sound like they’re sent through upset and insecurity about how you feel about her. She’s your mum. At least make an effort - and stop feeling you’re above her.

I don’t think this at all. I think OP means it in the way that her mum is agoraphobic, closed off from the real world and as such this contributes to her issues conversing and socialising. It makes her hard to get along with. My dads the same - successful businessman in his day, but retired for 15+ years and has barely done anything since bar stay home and drink wine.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I know someone like this, who I hate to say, doesn’t have a particularly high IQ, and she just can’t do basic conversation. She has no idea what to say. Sounds like your mum has had such a limited life, letting your dad take the lead etc that she has no clue about many of the things your encounter day to day as she just can’t relate.

@GrowingBetter I get it. There's no way I could ever move abroad and leave my now adult dcs. Or dgcs. But I'd never make them feel bad if they wanted to.
It does sound like there's something not right with your dm. What was she like before they moved?

I’m afraid I agree with this. My parents lived the other side of the world while I was at uni as did many of my friends families. It’s obviously effected you deeply that they chose an expat life but it’s hardly unique or abusive. If you want to call rather than WhatsApp then do that. The phone works both ways. The idea that you can only talk to people who work or understand childcare funding makes me wonder if it’s you who has a difficulty with chat. Neither of those subjects take up much chat time for most people.

I just knew the decision to go abroad was probably your father’s. Your mum probably had no say because she had to go along with what was best for him. Yet you admire him because he has all the skills that go along with being successful in the workplace; and you look down on her because she hasn’t been able to develop those skills or present as an interesting person because she was a sahm. The woman gets all the opprobrium.

OP I hear you. My husband’s Mum is just like yours - she wants to have a very surface level / performative loving relationship with him. She is interested in nice conversations about the children, Being told how thoughtful she is and rose tinted recollections of DH + his sibling’s childhood (non of which include them being shipped off to boarding school at 7!)

She can’t handle his whole self. She checks out when conversation is about anything he’s finding hard. She wants a relationship exclusively with a version of him that she has created in her head.

he has tried, I have tried, we have both tried to forge something more authentic with her. I think we’ve accepted now that she can’t really handle that.

when we’re feeling sanguine we can have empathy for the way that life has railroaded her into playing such a narrow and ‘pretend’ role in life. When we are tired we rage and roll our eyes at each other.

now we just give her what she wants (weekly text updates about the children, the occasional chirpy ‘saw this and thought of you’ + a ‘thanks for saying that mum’ in response to gushing’)

we keep social occasions to afternoons with tea and cake at our house - or play activities with the children. Little and often is best for us all.

it’s frustrating because I know she’d like more - but she can’t access it - and we can’t do the work unpicking it all for her.

Its hard!

Have you ever told your mother that you want to talk to her / would appreciate it if she called you?
It is very likely that she senses (potentially subconsciously) that you find it difficult to talk to her and therefore chose WhatsApp.

or you could simply respond with “love you too” or a heart.

Shite. I moved 2 hours away when my 3 oldest were 20, 23 and 26yo. I honestly had no idea this was a bad thing. I've still supported them financially as needed , chat to them most days between the 3 of them and see them as often as I can get them to visit ( which is quite regularly). We are very close. My parents moved away when I was 20yo. I didn't know this was a terrible thing. I didn't throw them to the wolves or something. I raised them to be self-sufficient , kind and loving. They all have wonderful partners too. Did you want your mum to live across the road, have dinner with you every week? I honestly don't know what you wanted and would be confused if I was your mum. She moved away and now she's back.
Unless they left you destitute, in which case I can see you being pissed off but a lot of 19yo's do have to support themselves?