How to handle Mum who doesn't seem capable of normal conversation

[GrowingBetter]

My mum clearly wants a closer relationship with me but I find it so hard to relate to her. She's always been a SAHM apart from tiny bits of tutoring here and there, nothing consistent.

I wouldn't say I'm particularly career driven but I've always worked and enjoy my work, it's a big part of my life. She has no idea how to make conversation about my work which would be fine on it'l was the only issue between us.

She never rings me for a chat but always likes to WhatsApp message me in an instant message type style. Which I find really annoying. If I call her she's shocked and thinks something's wrong.

Every couple of weeks she'll send me an overly sentimental/ gushing message saying by how she loves and misses me and has been thinking about me, which I have no idea how to reply to, and just irks me tbh. She doesn't put a question in it so I don't even know if she wants me to reply and I don't want to encourage it anyway.

I know she means well but I'd rather her just call me and have a normal chat to catch up, which she seems to be incapable of.

I feel like I need to accept her for who she is but who she is is very difficult to relate to.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you handle it?

The back story is that she moved abroad with my dad when was 19 years old for about 15 years, in that time I got married and had kids. Now they are back in the UK but live about 2 hours away from me. I see them every two months for a weekend or so. (I'm glad that they live that distance from me as I imagine she would be suffocating if she was in the same town as me).

Men really are held to a different, lesser standard aren't they?

While I totally get that it was wrong for your parents to move away when you were so young, it was your dad who chose to seek work abroad - he could have chosen to remain here, but didn't. Yet your mum gets all the blame and lasting resentment. Yes, I know you've spoken to your dad, but it doesn't change the past and that he was the one ultimately responsible for the move.
Think about what you would have had your mum do - stay here by herself while you go off to uni, get married etc? Or be with her husband?
I totally agree that they both ought to have helped you settle into university but it was him who put both you and your mum in a bad position, not just her.

I think you have to find a way to either let the past go, or to assign blame a bit more fairly.
She loves you but some people are limited in what they can offer emotionally. In the end you will be happier if you can just accept who she is with her flaws and go with her flow.

You really need to understand your mums experience of parenting by her parents. Ask her how her mum was with her. I'll bet the answers make you sad for her, and see her differently

And your children will reflect the same way on the choices you made. It's pretty common really.

The op has clearly left the thread.

Which is noteworthy itself.

It's a shame as there's really useful advice here which I've found helpful.

I think some people don't realise how different life is between generations.

What parenting was in the 80s is miles away from what it is now.

We can't hold parents of the past to modern standards. They'd almost all fail.

We all parent in the environment we're in. I think I'd have been more suited to being a 70s/80s parents but would have been better off as a child now!

19 is hardly a teen! Most people went to war younger than that!

Mumsnet sometimes feels like a forum for knocking mums and blaming women for everything. Op says she understands her father who was the instigator of the move abroad when she was 19 but looks down on her mother who was a sahm. I am sure that Mum is not that stupid that she doesn’t pick up on this. The awkwardness in phone calls is probably a 2-way street. What would happen if you showed genuine interest in her?

How nasty. The fact you capitalise god is very telling.

OP is a fully fledged member of the patriarchy isn’t she?! Dad decides to move abroad for his job, mum has no choice in the matter as she’s reliant on him and doesn’t have her own career, having devoted herself to raising OP. Mum supports her husband and tries to take any potential heat off of him by saying she’s happy with the move, there’ll be positives for her too. OP is fine with Dad but holds Mum to a much higher standard and seemingly has zero self awareness she’s doing this.
OP is scathing of her mum’s life choices and blames her mum’s life choices (which ironically were centred around being there for OP). She rains against SAHMs, but overtly supports gender norms of Dad just having to provide family income and getting a free pass on his own parental shortcomings. Double standards much?!
I feel for mum. She sounds lovely. Messaging just to say how proud she is of OP and how much she loves her. I’m sure there are nuances and other facts we’re not privy to. But from OP’s posts, my thoughts are she needs to grow up, realise parents aren’t perfect but most importantly, stop giving her dad a free pass at the expense of her mum.

Whilst worded a little frankly, I think the post you’re criticising is actually quite accurate.

I too think “WHY does OP resent her poor Mum so much, but Dad gets a free pass?

OP, please re read the above.

I ( as a mother) really can't understand her moving abroad when you were 19 (if she had any say in it, and if she didn't, then that opens a whole new can of worms) but she is back now and seems to be trying to open the lines of communication, albeit somewhat clumsily.

As well as being Mothers, we are also people and people are different. We are shaped by our own life experiences.

You seem entrenched in blaming her because (in your mind) she rationalised/excused the move by saying she would be closer to her sister. Therefore, if she had a choice, she was choosing her sister over you. Is that how you feel?

Cast your mind back to when you were at University, would you have visited home very often, called weekly etc, etc? I suspect not, but, I also suspect, you will say that you would, had they been available. Is that really true? At 19, you were old enough to go away to university and do your own thing.

I think many children expect their parents to be there in the background but not bother them, until it suits them. Many parents don't just want that and see the empty nest as a time for themselves. Life is short. Parenthood is a balancing act and not all of us get it right, but we try.

I think you need to draw a line under this very damaging past and move forward, as you have done with your Dad. Or, if you can't do that, sit her down and really tell her how you felt and ask her how you can both get past it. None of this she doesn't like to talk about it is getting you very far. If you need to talk about it, then insist on her listening.

Going forward you should remember that no one is perfect and that having children is very hard. We all do the best we can with the tools we have at our disposal.

Suppose your children held the divorce against you for whatever reason? You could justify it, but they may not understand it and they may then hold you to account as you now hold your mother to account. Would you want that to go on for years?

Lower your (unreasonable) expectations and get rid of your air of superiority for being a career woman as opposed to a sahm.

This is a valid choice and to denigrate that choice is not very feminist. Both choices are equally valid.

Try to engage with her on her level and you might be surprised at how things will change. Talk about the weather, the grandchildren, the news, and in time, deeper conversations will occur more naturally. Or maybe they won't, seek them elsewhere if that is the case.

I use the mantra with my 4 children 'Parents are people too' and with good will on both sides and with (in our case) wonderful DIL's, we all get on really well. Respect is key.

You can apportion blame or you can move past it. Only you can decide which way you want to proceed. Good luck OP.

Phew! Glad I’m not the only SAHM here who isn’t the best cook/cleaner 😆
OP has crazy double standards. Rails against her mum for being a SAHM but then gives her Dad a free pass in crappy parenting because he earns the money.
I hope my kids aren’t judging my domestic silks. Because I spend most my day looking after, entertaining and socialising the youngest, taxi-ing and supporting the school-age ones with their activities/friendships, feeding and cleaning up after them. Then in the evening, after I’ve lovingly read with them and listened to them read and tell me all about their days, I get my laptop out to earn a bit of money so that they can attend days activities and have a little holiday every year. I don’t have the time or energy to be Betty Crocker and ‘keep house’.

As a current SAHM I love this. I feel seen, thank you.

Superb post@CheltenhamLady
@GrowingBetter If you are still here, Cheltenham Lady really has hit the nail right on the head.

I suspect op hasn’t worked through her feelings of abandonment, and this is holding her back and in a semi state of resentment and distance.

Her parents also must take responsibility for the state of the relationship. If I dump my teens (same age as when it happened to op) then we can’t expect them to wait around for us when we get old and return from our life overseas. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect things to be unaffected.

I stayed with my teens for GCSEs while my Dh went overseas for an expat assignment. He couldn't find another comparable job then as he has a very specialised set of skills. We ended up being apart for ages, and it really affected our marriage. If I had gone, I would have had to leave my teen in boarding school. Either way, we were fucked. I chose my teens over my marriage. Do you think that was a good idea?

However, we did accumulate some decent savings, which will help our DC get a start on the housing ladder in London. Oddly, that is ALSO expected of parents these days. We also got a private pension, which will help pay for our care, as we both come from long lived families.

Really, life is not as black and white as it appears on MN.

Can I be really honest? I think you're angry with mum for bailing when you were 19 because it hurt, and I think that's manifesting in judgement. It's really normal for mums to adore their kids and tell them frequently. Not so usual for grown adults to find it annoying unless they are angry.

And it's a bit weird you're so focused on whether she worked or not. That would just never occur to me and I have two degrees (mum didn't have so much as a GCE). I think you're angry and I think family therapy might help.

Life as a parent is all about hard choices, and as an adult we sometimes have to absorb the sacrifices and difficulties. After all, we decided to bring children into the world - we have a duty to care for them until they are truly independent and every child is different.
Generally speaking, we get the relationship we deserve when it comes to older/adult children and if you put in the hard yards when they are young, then the bond is there and it is a rock solid foundation that will weather most of life’s hurdles. We are a very close family, it is based on mutual respect and unconditional love. It’s not hard.

Well @Meetingofminds OP's kids may well blame her for getting a divorce. I know a lot of my friends with divorced parents do. And then some of my friends whose parents didn't divorce blame them too. There is no easy way. Her mum;s marriage might have crumbled if she hadn;t gone with her husband.

I am glad you are a close family. I do not agree that it is not hard.

I'm sorry you found it nasty, that's your perogative.
Re the spelling of god...just how my phone spelt the word. No religious beliefs here, but thanks for highlighting for future reference 👌

Not the ops mum at all. Thankfully I have a very positive relationship with all of my children, probably because we are honest and open about how we feel and don't hold onto grudges. It's definitely worth a try 😊

You hold her in contempt for being a SAHM but seem bitter that she didn't continue to be available like a SAHM well into your adult years.

Honestly this is spoilt and entitled.

My own DM moved abroad when I went to uni too (in her case, for her american boyfriend). It was annoying not having anywhere to leave my things and not having somewhere to go in the holidays (although sometimes i could visit her). But I never for one second thought she had to hang around the UK to serve me.

Fuck me, there are some nasty posts on here. OP and her mum are not in sync and are not communicating well.

This has NOTHING to do with PPs being SAHMs who are feeling threatened/ judged by OP’s position. The projection from PPs is truly heroic.

What's your relationship with your dc got to do with you posting such vitriol to the OP?
You sound entitled, and truthfully, your mum would be better cutting ties with you, if you can't be bothered. You are belittling, narcissistic and quite frankly a God awful daughter. I hope you try harder as a mum.
Such kindness from you!

No in the OP's follow on posts she actually says "I look down on her for not working", it's not projection at all.