How to handle Mum who doesn't seem capable of normal conversation

[GrowingBetter]

My mum clearly wants a closer relationship with me but I find it so hard to relate to her. She's always been a SAHM apart from tiny bits of tutoring here and there, nothing consistent.

I wouldn't say I'm particularly career driven but I've always worked and enjoy my work, it's a big part of my life. She has no idea how to make conversation about my work which would be fine on it'l was the only issue between us.

She never rings me for a chat but always likes to WhatsApp message me in an instant message type style. Which I find really annoying. If I call her she's shocked and thinks something's wrong.

Every couple of weeks she'll send me an overly sentimental/ gushing message saying by how she loves and misses me and has been thinking about me, which I have no idea how to reply to, and just irks me tbh. She doesn't put a question in it so I don't even know if she wants me to reply and I don't want to encourage it anyway.

I know she means well but I'd rather her just call me and have a normal chat to catch up, which she seems to be incapable of.

I feel like I need to accept her for who she is but who she is is very difficult to relate to.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you handle it?

The back story is that she moved abroad with my dad when was 19 years old for about 15 years, in that time I got married and had kids. Now they are back in the UK but live about 2 hours away from me. I see them every two months for a weekend or so. (I'm glad that they live that distance from me as I imagine she would be suffocating if she was in the same town as me).

@GrowingBetter do you think what you really mind is that it feels fake and pretend? She sends you these gushing lovey dovey messages but she doesn't actually know very much about you, so she doesn't love "you", just some superficial version of you that exists vaguely in her head? She hasn't made an effort to ask you questions, get to know you, listen to your feelings, remember what's going on in your life.

And everything has to be on her terms, as if your feelings don't matter at all - the communication only works if it's her preference (texting not speaking on the phone), she doesn't care enough about your feelings or your relationship to talk through the past hurts, the relationship has to be on her terms of sweeping it all under the carpet.

She wants a non demanding superficial "relationship" that is actually suffocating as you aren't allowed to be your real self, probably making you feel invisible.

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I have never had a nice adul conversation with my mum and beloved me I’ve tried I am now in my 50s, I don’t think she is capable of it. She was also a sahm for years ( interestingly not taking any interest in her children) and who she worked later on she had trouble with it didn’t like other people asking her to do things. I think you just have accept she is like that and find a way to work with it. I don’t have to worry about mine as she has stopped speaking to me because I challenged her ( for he first time politely and I was over 50) good luck try not to let it encroach in your headspace

I’m not sure my mother is ND. She was an only child and very over indulged by her parents. She doesn’t understand the relationship I have with my siblings but even worse she doesn’t seem to understand my relationship with my DC. She didn’t want me to stay living at home past 18 or 19 and she gave up on my sister when she was 15. Some people just have an idea of parenting in their head but the reality doesn’t match up. As my DC gets older she unfortunately has friends with similar parents who have gone the same way. It’s probably a lot more common than people realise. Something may have gone wrong with the bonding when a child is tiny. Or the parent just doesn’t have the tools or skills to adapt to being a parent. People reach out to say/do the expected things but without the warmth and trust (that this person means what they say by demonstrating it) the words feel empty.

I agree and it’s the same with my dad. I don’t think he’s ND, he’s an alcoholic who has always been selfish, stubborn and extremely tunnel visioned - he can never see anything from anyone else’s POV, ever.

OP my DM is similar to yours, she only had very part time low paid work in our local village. She and my DF had clearly defined roles, she cooked, cleaned and shopped, he worked, drove the car and did the garden.
I left home at 18, shared a flat in a big city and had a career. I travelled, had a family but don't rely on my DP to do anything. I like to think I'm independent and a good role model to my kids giving them opportunities I never had.
My DM doesn't understand me or my life. When I speak to her on the phone we talk about 3 things, shopping, what I'm making for tea and whether I've got my washing done. If I'm travelling abroad with work she'll be incredulous that I'm leaving my DP and DC for 3 days. When I get back instead of asking about my trip, I get asked 'how did DP manage?' We have mind numbing conversations about what day is the best day to wash sheets and towels this week due to the weather. We've never talked about anything deeper than that and tbh I think that's how she likes it. I don't think she would cope with any demands placed on her. I'd love to be able to discuss other things and have someone give me advice on things that are bothering me but her life is so far removed from mine it would be pointless. So I accept her for who she is but feel sad I will never have that close mother/daughter relationship others have. I've never met her for coffee, never had a day shopping with her or a trip with just the two of us. As others have said, you just have to make peace with it.

I've found it easier to cope with a dysfunctional relationship with my mother since I recognised she is ND and had a neglectful childhood with probably one or two and parents.

She'll never be the mum others talk of and I'd fall off my seat if she was ever as nice to me as yours is.

She wasn't mothered so doesn't have a clue how to do it.

I'm trying to change that pattern but it's very very hard.

I also found it a lot easier to deal with my DM when I realised what her childhood had been like.

She was miles better at parenting than her parents!

Didn't she broach the move abroad with you first? Ask your opinion? If they did, did you tell the truth, or what you thought they wanted to hear?

You’re critical of your mom's inability to talk to you about your career, but you’re unable to talk to her about anything except your career?

What can you talk about outside your job that she may be conversant in - kids, local activities, weather, shows, a book she is reading ?

Other than work, what do you talk about with your dad that may be transferable?

@Dweetfidilove I am not sure how you inferred that from this post that OP is obsessively trying to talk about her career. OP used her career as an example of one of many things she can’t talk to her mum about. Basically if you have a parent like this all they want to talk about is a. Themselves and b. Superficial rubbish like the weather and endless updates about their neighbours who you don’t know and don’t care about either. OP used this as an example of something that’s major going on in her life that’s important to her but her DM doesn’t even acknowledge it. If you have worked hard for your career and have proud moments of things you have achieved you would be naturally disappointed your own mother isn’t really interested in it, never asks you and if you do bring it up, it goes nowhere. My career has been important to me but I appreciate my mum doesn’t have any interest in it so it’s not something I can share with her.

Yet she is always doing similar things like OP’s mum of making me feel guilty and burdened for apparently not including her in my life. I assume like my mum OP was giving context about careers for her mum, my mum did work but in very low level jobs which always frustrated her and she was resentful about it, but it was her personality which meant she didn’t process as she was equally as unbearable in a work place. My sister has an amazing 6 figure job but my mum has no idea what she does for work and never asks.

On the flip side it is acceptance you need to reach that these mothers worlds have become so so tiny and small they can’t see anything outside of themselves. OP’s mum is a good example of what can happen when you have no direction in your life and you end up aimless as you lose all conversational skills that a workplace would keep going. My grandma lived in a tiny village and knew about 7 people and this was exactly what happened - her world was tiny, that’s all she knew. However my grandma did love to hear about our lives and would ask us a lot of questions and be interested so it’s not always the case

@Menora I don’t know how you’ve inferred that I think OP tries to talk about her work obsessively , but in posts 1 through 3 OP speaks quite a bit about her mom being a SAHM vs her choice of career woman.

See - being critical of her mom, looking down on her because she’s never worked etc; whilst having a better relationship with her dad who was a traditional family man (worked).

I understand the resentment she held for being left, but she was left by both parents and I believe she said she’s working to leave that behind her.

I don’t believe I’ve seen much though about what other conversations the OP would like to have that her mom can’t engage with, hence my question.

I wonder if you've gone now op, but I think it's perfectly understandable to be really angry with your mum, and then if you can't talk about that anger to her to find all the surface level chat very irritating/ anger inducing.

If you do actually want a closer relationship with her and can't find a way to make her engage with how angry you are it's going to be difficult, but you could try finding something to do together so that chat is around that and not trying to find things you have in common. Like do a baking class together or something.

@Dweetfidilove it’s relevant though, perhaps OP like me has spent years and years working hard and making sacrifices and having proud moments and tough times - and not one single one of those has been able to be shared with your own mum. I judge my mum too, I had a far worse and tougher situation than she did to deal with as a young adult and far less opportunities and she wasted all hers and I didn’t. My mum got to choose like all adults can and she chose the easy options, so we have nothing in common, but I also pity her for having her small tiny world with not much in it but it’s her own doing.

OP’s mum has also made her own world small. This impacts your children. Don’t you as a parent try to help your kids grow and set a good example to them? If not through hard work in whatever job you choose but as a parent?- if OP’s mum was a great homemaker and a really engaged SAHP I don’t think OP would feel the way she does. OP says it’s not just that her mum didn’t work, she didn’t really do much of anything at all in the parenting department either. OP recalls her dad working hard to provide and her mum doing no housework no cleaning and not interested in their schooling. This is not meant to be a slight on SAHM she said early on that she has no idea what her mum used to do at home all day and this comes across like they are strangers to one another

I wonder if OP is an only child and maybe her mother wasn't really all that interested in motherhood in the first place? I'm sure her mother loves her, but some women don't take to it easily. It sounds like she's trying to communicate that she does love OP, awkwardly.

It's possible OP isn't good at conversation either. Sometimes two people who aren't good at carrying forward conversations can find it really hard to have a conversation. Not saying that's true, but it's possible.

OP's mother does sound like her world is small, but a working world can be small too. People who are very work focused can be uninteresting too. I don't mind hearing about your work, where you are going, your plans, what you've achieved, what's going well, what you're struggling with, but people who are more well rounded are more interesting. I want to hear about the places they visit, their garden, their home renovations they are doing, their pets, what books they are reading, if they've seen anything good on tv lately that I might be interested in. Just as examples. If most of the conversation is based on work all the time, it's boring too. Probably anyone who is too single focused is boring.

OP's mother lived overseas for 15 years. There's got to be something interesting in that experience and suggests her world isn't necessarily that small.

I get how you feel abandoned and hurt by your parents going abroad for your dad’s career when you were a young adult, that is a feeling I can understand and validate.

But you were not a child, so I don’t think it is quite as bad as some are saying.

I was in boot camp at 17, and in a war zone at 18.

Might as well ask who the fuck sends teenage girls to the Middle East with a machine gun. We do.

19 is a “true adult” as far as I am concerned and the job of a good parent is to ensure your child is independent by age 18.

Yes, the ideal is that families do not divide up and go to different countries, but life doesn’t always go the way we want it to.

I think OP you are looking for an apology, and that may not be something you get from your mum who from all appearances felt her role as wife and support to her husband took precedence over living by her now adult children. It’s not really fair to punish her more than your dad when the move abroad was clearly to benefit his career.

I think you have different communication styles, and that is no one’s fault. I agree therapy may help you bridge that gap. At least your mum is trying to build bridges and shows you affection.

I think it's unfair to suggest people just want to blame the man... if you look at some of my posts I fight for equality and often defend men.

I just feel your unjustly putting this on your mother because you don't want to upset her.... speak to her if she cries let her.... she likely feels guilty and that's why she cries.

Them leaving you the both of them was wrong and I understand your issues with her not being interested in your life and it does show a selfish side and I completely understand about the lack of grandparent input I am there even now with grandparents that live 3 miles down the road.

There’s blame enough for all three if you want it. But you left the thread when people started asking questions about how exactly you feel about your dad and what you could change yourself.

You have one person crashing around trying to communicate very badly and another person sneering at them callously. And a dad who is forgiven. You will have to move the needle on all those things if you want anything to change. People gave you great insights. I would look into family neurodiversity as well.

A lot of us left home at 19, the difference is you felt abandoned. So this is trauma. That would be a good thing to look into with a therapist. I can see with my own eyes the difference in a friend of mine who’s working through it.

Would she video chat you instead?
Is she boring with nothing to talk about or lacks the abilty to talk about anything?
I would think with your mum you should be able to talk about anything without being selective. If she has no understanding it is good to have a ear, usually a mother does listen, childcare is a huge issue, if she understands it or not many of us are working parents
All the anti phone callers I do not get that either, A decent coversation is better than text anyday.

The poster sounds like an entitled *. If only some people had a gushing lovely mum! You'll miss her whens she's gone!!

Your mother is emotionally unavailable to you, and this has been the case probably most if not all of your life. Having a meaningful relationship with someone like this is like hugging a plank of wood. There is just nothing there.

Rather than searching or trying to ignite a relationship that doesn’t exist, I would pour my efforts into counselling and prioritising a relationship with yourself op.

Your mother is an avoidant, and nothing you can do or say will change that. You can’t feel anything because there is nothing but empty words. You can’t make it into something it isn’t.

You can have deep and fulfilling relationships with other people but acceptance that she is not going to be the one to offer this to you is essential. When you faced this reality, you will find it easier to put it to one side and just accept she is an empty vessel and your emotional needs will be met by others. Dealing with the void it leaves is your work here op. Learning to love and mother yourself.

She can’t be the mother you deserved op, and that may not be her fault, but you don’t need to go along with the pretence. Remain true to yourself and your reality, ignore the gushy messages and find loving connections elsewhere.

I don't think you ever really get over the fact your mum didn't care enough to help. Mine lived locally and said she didn't want to ever babysit. I dialled back the contact, as she asked alot of me with nothing in return. It deeply upset me. When she died I didn't feel anything apart from a little shocked. I realised that I wasn't devastated because she had no function in my life, I didn't depend on her and there was no bond between us. The same for my children, they weren't sad at all.

You are right to feel angry, she did abandon you as a teenager and you must have felt terribly vulnerable as a teenager and all alone. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone that did this to me for FIFTEEN years either!! Why do you feel the need for one now?

Measuring your success through your work (and everyone elses). Not knowing how to respond to sentimental messages.

You've closed yourself off to her, probably because 19 year olds still crave a certain amount of input from their mother.
On the flipside she put family over her career once, her priority was not work, it was you. So your 'success criteria' are very different. You say her stories are irrelevant, but she probably feels that way about your work.

Her reaction over calls is probably a hang up due to the cost of phone calls as was. My mother will be blunt to the point of rude on phone calls as to her they are for relaying only important information. I know she now gossips with friends by message as there is no extra cost, she has no guilt as its a new system without those lessons her mother drilled into her about phones. Can you talk her round to video chats as they are part of that messaging system?

Every couple of weeks she'll send me an overly sentimental/ gushing message saying by how she loves and misses me and has been thinking about me, which I have no idea how to reply to, and just irks me tbh.

Why be irked by a message of love? - there is little enough love in the world as it is.

So - your Mum is/was not perfect...... so, what's new? People are not perfect. She did not beat you up or neglect you - all she did was to move on a bit when you became an adult - is that not what so many posters here want to happen?

And your patronising resentment of the fact that she did not go out to work is extraordinary - she made different choices to yours - that's fine. Maybe your choices are not ideal - whose are?

I think you are being extraordinarily judgemental to someone who is trying to get closer to you.

Cut her some slack - accept her as someone with a different outlook on life, but do not judge her so harshly.