Confused- sex when one person doesn’t want to

[noitsachicken]

I’m married with children. Things haven't been great, DH can be up and down with his moods and easily become cross at times. But most of the time things are ok, he does he fair share around the house and lots with the children.
Recently I haven’t always been in the mood for sex, I am perimenopausal and when he has been cross with me or the kids I just don’t want to.
I tend to avoid it by going to bed early, but sometimes I can’t and just say no, but this often leads to sulking, and can affect his mood.
A few times recently he has tried to start something, I’ve sometimes been asleep, sometimes I’ve said no, and not reciprocated but he has carried on. I just kind of froze and let it happen.
I’m not sure if I’ve not been clear enough, I feel like my body language is clear, one time my legs were crossed and he pushed them apart.
But maybe I need to just say No and deal with the moodiness.

The most recent time I was led there and he was touching me, I hadn’t said anything and he was carrying on. He was being a little more rough than usual, eventually I said ‘you’re hurting me’ he stopped and apologised.

I don’t feel like he has forced me into sex, but feel like it’s clear I don’t want to but he has carried on.

I’ve lost sight of what is ok.

That’s rape, doesn’t matter that you’re married. I’d leave him, there would be no coming back from that for me.

It’s not ok.

Not OK, none of that is OK.

I’m sorry but thats rape. He knew you weren’t consenting and carried on. He’ll say you didn’t say no but he knew it was a no when you froze. I’m so sorry OP, you can and should leave, you are not a doll what you want matters, how you are treated matters.

Not ok.

He rapes you.

That's really not ok. I think I would look to leave over this kind of behaviour. You are being quite clear about your consent.

This is so sad to read he seems to have no regard for your boundaries and I suspect this will get worse. Can you speak to women’s aid or at the least someone in your life.

Legally and morally this is rape, you are minimising what he is doing to you, which is understandable, it would be horrifying to think your husband is a rapist. He is though and this is unforgivable.

This is why society thinks it's only awful men that are sexual predators because we minimise this kind of thing and im sure your husband wouldn't think what he is doing is rape, but it is and what he is doing to you is awful OP. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry sweetheart. Is there anyone you can talk too?

This is not okay lovely.

And yes it is okay to say no.

We teach kids about consent now. Consent only happens when both people want to have sex.

To answer the op when you don't want to have sex... You don't have to have sex. Ever.

Honey, this is rape.

He knows you don't want to and he has has sex with you anyway. That's the definition of rape.

I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone that's frozen, not participating, not enjoying themselves.

So you are being regularly raped by your life partner.
please leave. Anyway anyhow.

I'm so sorry you're facing this. Please don't think it's just MNers being extreme when you are being told this is rape. It is rape.

Both parties must WANT to have sex and both parties must ENJOY the act. If at any point one or both of those things change, then it should stop immediately. Otherwise it becomes rape (even if it didn't start out as rape).

It's mad that men (and some women) still think it's ok for men to take what they want without consent. Doing it quietly, without violence, within a relationship does not make it any better or more acceptable. It is still rape.

Being moody when you won't have sex with him is emotional blackmail - now more commonly known as coercive control. If you agree to sex solely because you feel there will be consequences if you don't - that's also rape.

I think it's in your best interests to get away from this man asap. But if you feel you need to try to make the relationship work for DC etc, I strongly suggest you seek counselling. You trying to explain coercive control to a man like this won't work. He will dismiss you and huff in his usual way. He needs to hear the cold fact that he is raping you from an independent party. Only then might (and it's a big might) he decide to change his behaviour.

Can you IMAGINE if it was reversed and he was tired and didn't want to and got on top of him and you started grinding your vulva into his mouth or you took his hands and started using them to masterbate. Those are both horrifying examples that you'd never do (most women would never do) but it's the equivalent of what he's doing to you.

It's not okay. It is not okay at all.

Here are some books that can help you:

• Living with the dominator: A book about the freedom programme by Pat Craven
• Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft
• Men who hate women and the women who love them by Susan Forward
• The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

It's your body and it's up to you what happens to it. I hope you can get the support you need and this doesn't happen again.

He’s a rapist. No means NO

OP, this is rape. Pure and simple. He needs to hear that it is rape. Please contact Women's aid for a chat and confirmation.
Rape is a crime.
HE is committing a crime.
Are you happy in this relationship?
Because being raped in a bed you share sounds absolutely horrific.
Please reach out for support.

This is not OK on any level.
I would think (happy to be corrected) that some people in long-term relationships consent to sex when they don't particularly want it in order to keep their partner satisfied, but he must have know in this case you weren't consenting?

I'm thinking that using rape isn't the only way he abuses you, what other things does he do when 'he's cross' - silent treatment? Making you walk on eggshells? Sometimes things build up and you get used to it being normal but it may infact be that he is abusive in more than one way.

Can you speak with your local domestic abuse charity maybe?

It’s not ok. It’s never ok to try to have sex with someone who’s asleep. It’s not ok to prise someone’s legs open. If it’s not an obvious “yes” then it’s “no”.
He may well be surprised that this is rape, but that’s because he thinks it’s ok to just take what he wants any way he can. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I can absolutely understand you freezing up. This situation isn’t your fault and the relationship can’t carry on like this

He raped you. Im so sorry. He is a monster. Please find a way to get away from him asap