Confused- sex when one person doesn’t want to

[noitsachicken]

I’m married with children. Things haven't been great, DH can be up and down with his moods and easily become cross at times. But most of the time things are ok, he does he fair share around the house and lots with the children.
Recently I haven’t always been in the mood for sex, I am perimenopausal and when he has been cross with me or the kids I just don’t want to.
I tend to avoid it by going to bed early, but sometimes I can’t and just say no, but this often leads to sulking, and can affect his mood.
A few times recently he has tried to start something, I’ve sometimes been asleep, sometimes I’ve said no, and not reciprocated but he has carried on. I just kind of froze and let it happen.
I’m not sure if I’ve not been clear enough, I feel like my body language is clear, one time my legs were crossed and he pushed them apart.
But maybe I need to just say No and deal with the moodiness.

The most recent time I was led there and he was touching me, I hadn’t said anything and he was carrying on. He was being a little more rough than usual, eventually I said ‘you’re hurting me’ he stopped and apologised.

I don’t feel like he has forced me into sex, but feel like it’s clear I don’t want to but he has carried on.

I’ve lost sight of what is ok.

He's has plenty of opportunity to change but it suits him not to. He's the sort of man wh will have sex on a woman who is crying.

Oh sweet heart, please please leave. This will only get worse. He's getting bolder and he will carry on raping you. You're already not safe, I know it's confusing. I do. You think it's partly your fault, you think you kinda have to let them. You do not! Seek help. He's moved your body and then has sex with it. Not you as a person. He's treating your body and you separately because he doesn't have and regards for your feelings!

I don’t know.

I’m not sure I can believe he is assaulting me.

The thing is, OP, he can read and understand your body language perfectly well, as evidenced by him saying “shall I stop” and then stopping. So he absolutely fully understands that you don’t want sex then and there in the moment, but doesn’t actually care what you want so he just carries on. That is not a good man, and no amount of helping around the house or parenting his children can change that.

I’m sorry you’re still going through this. It can be so hard to accept when someone who is supposed to love us can do something so horrific. Even if it’s not a violent rape, it’s a violent assault on your right to choose what happens to your body. I hope you find the strength to leave him because I really don’t think he’ll change and suddenly start respecting your obvious rejection of his advances. A lack of no does not equal a yes.

He's assaulting you, my ex husband did the same. Ex.
He has no right to touch you when you are sleeping

You seem clear in your mind that you wish to be with him (when many would simply call it a day) so you need to take active steps to make your position blindingly clear - although it is beyond credence that he should need this spelling out.

"DH, please be clear that unless I tell you that I am up for sex, you are to assume that I am not. I am no longer willing to put up with sex that I have not actively agreed to."

@noitsachicken it’s likely that you aren’t letting yourself believe that this is assault or abuse as a way to protect yourself. If you allow yourself to believe the truth of the situation everything becomes much more overwhelming and complicated.

If it’s not assault then what would you call it? It’s clearly not love, you know you don’t want it, your body language is very clear. It seems the reason you might be afraid to say no out loud is that he might ignore you and carry on. If that happens you won’t be able to convince yourself it’s not assault and the very fragile perception you have created to protect yourself would collapse, meaning you’d have to face the reality of what he is doing to you. It’s understandable that you are afraid to do this but you have to stand up for yourself.

A decent man doesn't need the 'opportunity' to change because he wouldn't behave like that in the first place

He isn't going to improve but he could get worse

I’m not clear in my mind, my mind is confused.
But there are children, and a life and none of this is easy.

And I think if I were to say any of this to him he wouldn’t believe it about himself

More like he would want you to THINK he didn't believe it about himself.

Here's the thing op, you don't actually have to convince him.

You don't have to spend any time trying to find the 'right words' to convince a tiger to stop chewing on your leg.

You don't even need to believe the tiger is evil.

You just have to know it will hurt you. And value yourself enough to make an escape.

They often don’t because they believe the lie that rape is a visibly brutal attack. Some are but many are like you have experienced.

If your husband has even the tiniest speck of decency inside of him, he would pause to consider that his actions are a violation of you.

I read when you originally posted but didn’t reply.
@noitsachicken I think you know this is wrong and so does your husband.
For instance, if my partner came to bed and started kissing the back of my neck I could do two things. Not respond, and he would know from actions that it wasn’t happening or I would turn around and start kissing and touching him. You lying there motionless is a very clear sign that you are consenting. And your husband knows this.
You reference his temper alot and I think that subconsciously you are scared - you might not be physically scared of him ( I don’t know that for sure) but you are emotionally scared of the sulking and moods that go on for days! The fact you are crying when he’s having intercouse with you is showing you do not consent. And I believe when I cry my breathing changes, your husband will hear that even if he can’t see you crying, He is ignoring all the signals. Please say no and if you feel you can’t I think you need to call women’s aid and talk this out and explore why.

Sorry I meant you are not consenting. I didn’t want to read and run but didn’t edit in haste.

Thankyou.

I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I’m just imagining stuff in my head, or making it sound worse.

I’m a normal, sensible person in my 40s. I’m not stupid, I’m confident and speak up for others. My whole life/job is about helping others, and advocating for those who can’t themselves. Why can’t I do this for myself? I know what I would say to a friend who told me this.

I feel trapped. I have a nice life, family, house. No one would believe this.
I don’t want to be a victim.

If you don't want to be a victim, think of it as 'I was a victim, but then, I left him'. Bad shit has happened to you. You can't change it. But you can stop it from happening again by leaving. If you remain with him, you remain a victim. If you sieze your freedom, you become a survivor.

Speak with women's aid, see a solicitor, figure things out. It might be wise to speak to the police too incase he gets nasty when you leave and you need their support. It may be unlikely to progress but it's good to have a record of his prior abuse on file. However, there's nothing that says you have to report him. It's OK if you don't feel up to it.

It doesn't have to be abuse, it doesn't have to reach some level of "bad enough". The fact is, you don't feel safe with him anymore thats good enough reason to leave. The trust is gone. And rather than adding joy to your life, he's breaking your heart. Rather than feeling like the best version of you around him...he makes you feel dazed, confused and crappy. That's not a partnership worth keeping.

What do you want from reviving this thread. Unanimously before - and now- people are telling you your husband is raping you. If you don’t want to believe it then keeping posting and getting the same responses helps no-one does it? I mean I wouldn’t want to spend my life terrified my husband was going to have sex with my crying unresponsive body, but it seems you do. And of course he fucking knows.

Your mind is confused because you do not want to have to acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong. And the reason for this is that it has implications for your life and family that you rightly say are not easy.

But there is nothing confusing about the central problem: that he has sex with you when you do not wish him to. And that is fundamentally wrong. You can only deal with this when you feel able to face up tbthat fact .... which is very hard indeed I do understand. I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Men who are this entitled about sex do not change. His opportunity was the first time you brought it up, and nothing really came of that. If I'm reading what you are saying correctly, he pretended to accept it for a token period, then went back to being demanding. This is because he does not want to change or to care about your needs. You're trying to bargain with yourself that you don't need to leave him, but you do. This is no way to live and it will destroy your mental health over time.

This is unfair, the OP is clearly struggling to accept the reality of what is happening because it is traumatic and terrifying. To acknowledge what is happening means she has to act, change her life, disrupt her children’s lives, which is something she clearly feels unable to do right now. I’m not saying she should stay in denial but it’s a process and it can’t be easy to accept that the person who is meant to love you most in the world is treating you like this. It’s easier for her to think that it’s not that big of a deal because he’s not causing physical pain, it doesn’t happen every day, it’s only a few minutes, she hasn’t categorically said no so perhaps he’ll stop, or she can just put up with it because it’s not really all that bad. She’s making these excuses because she’s terrified of facing the truth that her husband is a rapist. That if she said that out loud he wouldn’t recognise himself as such, that if she told anyone irl they wouldn’t believe her because they’re such a ‘normal’ family. Outwardly they appear happy, she presents as a capable person, involved mother and attentive wife. To speak this out loud makes it real and her something she does not want to, or can’t, see herself as.

Coming bank to this thread reminds her she is not alone, she is not overreacting, she is believed and she does deserve better.@noitsachicken we all want you to want better for yourself and I’m sure many, like myself, are so upset to hear how you are still being treated. We want you to find the strength to stand up for yourself, to live a more peaceful life away from this man but we will still be here, whether that day of realisation comes tomorrow, next month or in a year. Hopefully you will be able to acknowledge this sooner rather than later but we understand it’s on your terms. Please don’t feel you can’t continue to reach out, there’s no guidelines on how to navigate this situation.

Just remember you are stronger than you think.

Thankyou

Dearest op, to help you understand why you are feeling like this is because he is doing these awful things to you while you are in your safe place, you are at home in your own bed. He’s meant to be your safe person and protect you from harm. He’s doing the opposite and you can’t reconcile this with what is happening.

You are scared which is why you worry people will not believe you. But we all beii l believe you here. I think you need to take a few small steps that you are comfortable with. But the reason you are not saying no is fear.

You are finding it hard to seperate the you everyone sees in your profession where you protect people to not being able to protect yourself.

i genuinely mean it but you can reach out to me privately if you like and i will try and support you. Towards the end of my marriage my ex cornered me in our bedroom and did something similar and I froze too. But that was the last time for me, I moved into the front room as it had a lock and slept on the sofa for a very long time till
i got divorced.

This eont get better op, by your husband forcing himself on you the damage he’s done is awful, And also you will never willingly have sex with him again because that trust is broken. Even in your situation being peri maybe once in a while you’d think I live my H so I’ll sleep with him to make him happy and keep things ticking along. But that’s not an option anymore and he knows it. Which is why he continues to do it. Please keep yourself safe, it’s quite a worry and you have a group of protective and angry women to support you. We have got you, please let us know how we can help, and if you don’t know yet, we can listen and not judge x

Do you have a nice life? Maybe in terms of materialistic things but not in matters of physical and emotional things.
I can't imagine what it's like for you on a constant basis at bedtime wondering what he's going to do to you without your consent.
No one deserves what you're going through.
He definitely doesn't love you nor respects you.
I sincerely hope you find a way out .

Exactly! He would have known you were crying. If you were motionless then it would have been akin to having sex with a corpse, yet, he carried on. You don’t have to say no for it to not be rape. You were an unwilling participant, multiple times over and over. He knows. Yet he continues because he feels he’s entitled to have sex with you just because you’re married. You’re an unwilling participant being penetrated with zero consent. This is the very definition of rape. Just because he’s not holding a knife to your throat in a dark alleyway, doesn’t make this any less rape.

Do you have a daughter? What would you tell her to do if she came to you and said her husband was using her as a human flesh light while she lay there motionless and crying?