Confused- sex when one person doesn’t want to

[noitsachicken]

I’m married with children. Things haven't been great, DH can be up and down with his moods and easily become cross at times. But most of the time things are ok, he does he fair share around the house and lots with the children.
Recently I haven’t always been in the mood for sex, I am perimenopausal and when he has been cross with me or the kids I just don’t want to.
I tend to avoid it by going to bed early, but sometimes I can’t and just say no, but this often leads to sulking, and can affect his mood.
A few times recently he has tried to start something, I’ve sometimes been asleep, sometimes I’ve said no, and not reciprocated but he has carried on. I just kind of froze and let it happen.
I’m not sure if I’ve not been clear enough, I feel like my body language is clear, one time my legs were crossed and he pushed them apart.
But maybe I need to just say No and deal with the moodiness.

The most recent time I was led there and he was touching me, I hadn’t said anything and he was carrying on. He was being a little more rough than usual, eventually I said ‘you’re hurting me’ he stopped and apologised.

I don’t feel like he has forced me into sex, but feel like it’s clear I don’t want to but he has carried on.

I’ve lost sight of what is ok.

@noitsachicken I posted on here a long time ago... possibly under a different username... And I didn't know my ex husband raped me until I saw people's reaction. I kind of laughed to myself and thought of course it's not rape.

It is though.

He was coercively controlling. It takes a long time to understand what's happening to you if that's what is going on. My ex would beg for sex and be angry if I wouldn't agree. He'd guilt tripe, tell me I needed therapy to fix me from a sex therapist. That I was like a nun. That sex with me was like simulated rape.

It wasn't simulated. I was freezing because I was both repulsed by him and scared of the fallout from resisting.

And we ended up conceiving our child because he was supposed to be using protection and he decided without any discussion to remove it and carry on without my consent. He just wore down my boundaries. It's so psychologically damaging.

I hope you can get some help.

Do you have a daughter OP? How would you feel about this happening to them when they have grown up? I am guessing you would be incensed by they way they are being exploited sexually.

Be shocked on your own behalf and take the proper steps.

Start by talking with him - tell him (he should already know) that if he forces sex on you when it is clear it is not wanted then he is raping you and you have no intention of tolerating this any further. Ask what he intends to do about the situation. Be clear where you stand - you wish to leave him? - you will stay but don't intend to tolerate this behaviour or the sulking? - tell him where you stand so he can be in no doubt at all.

Sex requires 2 yesses. Enthusiastic ones. And either you can change your mind at any time.

If you want to save your marriage you need to talk about it. (not at bed time)
Otherwise you have to leave

Send him this

I’m really sorry OP but your husband is a rapist. You sound scared of him too, scared to say no assertively because you know he’ll subject you to emotional abuse too. Please contact Women’s Aid and tell them what you’ve told us. They’ll help you to leave him.

Thankyou everyone.

I have a lot to think about.

In answer to some questions, yes I have carried on to have sex, even though I haven’t wanted to.

Yes I have had several conversations about how peri is making me feel, and how my periods are different/unpredictable now.

Maybe I just need to be clearer and say no. But sometimes it’s easier just to do it.

I’m not particularly happy, but feel stuck as he is the high earner, we have children, I work but don’t earn enough on my own.

If you’re not saying no or giving him any indication that you don’t want to do it, then he’s not to know and he’s going to think you’re ok with it.

It’s concerning that you feel you can’t just tell him no or you’re not in the mood.
This is someone you should feel completely at ease with.

You need to tell him no and if he gets in a mood then so what.

Yep, it's rape.

You shouldn't have to stay with him and be raped, or feel you have to forgive his past rapes simply because he's the high earner.

Why were your 'nos' not sufficient in your eyes? I don't want it, I'm too tired, 'no'... or being actually asleep are all more than sufficient! Many men will say, "Aww, come on", or try to get you in the mood with kissing etc, but come on, you have to realise that being asleep, or even pretending to be asleep is crossing a pretty obvious line.

You do not have to be raped for the sake of your kids … which is basically what are you are resigning yourself to if you just give in for an easy life.
He has no respect for you or your space and this is unlikely to change. If no sex means a moody bloke then that will be equally as miserable ( albeit not criminal).
What would your advice be to your kids if they were in this position OP?
Stop letting him rape you and make plans to leave asap.
good luck 💐

I would show him your post and all the replies.

I was in your shoes this time last year OP. In my case it was only one incidence. I too felt stuck due to finances and not wanting to break the family up, so to speak. However, I didn't "break" anything - he did. He broke my self esteem, my ambition and hopes for our family's future. As a result of his behaviour I imagine my trust/faith in men has been utterly broken forever.

I too posted on mumsnet and remember the physical shock of reading the first comments and the words "rape" and "your husband is a rapist" being repeated over and over. It's a devastating blow, as though you know deep down what's happened is not right, you will have minimised it in self-preservation.

I considered making a log of it with the police but it was summer holidays at the time, I had no childcare and the DC we're with me 24/7 so in the end I didn't. What I did do was focus on leaving - which I did.

I took my children and moved back to my home town to live with my mum. I still haven't told anyone IRL what really happened and it's likely I never will as I can't bear it for my DC to know that's who their father is. There were numerous other issues in the relationship so I've never had to explain myself.

It's not an easy thing to do by any measure but my children are happy and thriving in a new school. They've made lots of friends and have my family/their cousins around to cushion the blow. I have found I'm more relaxed and engaged with them as I'm not constantly riddled with worry over what to do, so our relationship is stronger than ever. Everything is still up in the air financially and is in the hands of solicitors but I'm hopeful that this time next year we will be in a little place of our own and that is keeping me going.

Start envisaging what your life would look like without him and take baby steps in that direction. Staying with this man will crush your soul, you deserve so much better 💐

She doesn't have to explain anything. She said NO!

I have apologised over and over again for my post. I have asked for it to be withdrawn. I would please ask that you read my apologies and please stop

Fuck sake, another one.

She doesn't have to say no.

She has to say yes. Anything other than yes is a no. Someone who is asleep cannot consent to sex. And she is saying no.

She's giving several indications that she doesn't want to have sex - and NOBODY should be sexually assaulting someone who is asleep.

Watch the cup of tea video posted above. You wouldn't force someone who is sleeping, or who has said no, or I don't fancy it, or who isn't picking up the cup to drink tea. The same applies to sex.

I had this most of my married life, divorced now. I used to have a few alcoholic drinks just so I could go through the motions of sex to avoid his anger/sulkiness.

It’s not unusual, but it is awful, and is the quickest way to kill desire between two people.

I know it’s a hard thing to think about, and it’s possible he has chosen not to question his ability to have sex with his wife when he wants to.

But try asking him when he thinks it’s ok to have sex if one person doesn’t want to.

This aside, have you been happy in your marriage or are there other issues?

It should be unthinkable, but some men are so blinded by their privilege they don’t even wonder whether it’s ok.

You really need to contact Women's aid for advice.
You are unable to leave your rapist husband because of housing etc.
Seek advice.
Can you move to another bedroom?

This is so shocking. This is the person who's meant to love you most in the world. The person who has your back, supports you through thick and think, generally makes your life better.

But he's the opposite. He's raping you. He doesn't care for your feelings. He treats you as though you are a vessel for him to get his fun, even if it crushes you.

The longer you're with this man, the more he'll grind you down. Even the fact you're asking if this is OK shows that he's skewed your sense of what's right and wrong. Of course it's never right to force sex on someone, or to have sex when you know they don't want it. Of course it's wrong. The fact he needs that explaining to him is worrying. But of course he knows you don't want it, but he doesn't care. He thinks you owe it to him. He thinks he's entitled to it.

He is not a good person. And not a good person to have around your children.

I suggest talking to a solicitor, in confidence. See where you would be if you divorced him. You might be surprised. You don't have to make a big leap now, but slowly take small steps if you find that easier. But please work towards leaving that monster of an excuse of a poor husband.

(Just so you have a sense of what's 'normal'. A couple of nights ago my DH was feeling sexy. He approached me in bed. I said 'not tonight, I'm exhausted'. He said 'fair enough', kissed my shoulder, cuddled up and went to sleep. That's what decent people do).

Hello OP. We're just dropping in with some links to organisations that can offer you support and advice.

Women's Aid
24/7 free support line
Refuge

Best wishes from MNHQ

This is awful and so sad.

Do you feel able to sit down with him outside of an actual sex situation and explain specifically and without apologising how much you don't want sex and set out that every time he ignores you it's not acceptable and HAS to stop.

Explain that anything beyond your enthusiastic consent is a "no" and if he carries on then he's setting out very clearly that he doesn't care if you say no, he's doing it anyway "and we all know what the other word for that is"

Thank you for clarifying OP. I now agree with everyone else - clearly rape. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

So you have a trusted friend that you can speak to IRL OP?

This is rape, it doesn't matter if you froze, you'd already told him that you didn't want sex. End of.

God no!

He's abusing her. This thread will not make him suddenly see the light!