Confused- sex when one person doesn’t want to

[noitsachicken]

I’m married with children. Things haven't been great, DH can be up and down with his moods and easily become cross at times. But most of the time things are ok, he does he fair share around the house and lots with the children.
Recently I haven’t always been in the mood for sex, I am perimenopausal and when he has been cross with me or the kids I just don’t want to.
I tend to avoid it by going to bed early, but sometimes I can’t and just say no, but this often leads to sulking, and can affect his mood.
A few times recently he has tried to start something, I’ve sometimes been asleep, sometimes I’ve said no, and not reciprocated but he has carried on. I just kind of froze and let it happen.
I’m not sure if I’ve not been clear enough, I feel like my body language is clear, one time my legs were crossed and he pushed them apart.
But maybe I need to just say No and deal with the moodiness.

The most recent time I was led there and he was touching me, I hadn’t said anything and he was carrying on. He was being a little more rough than usual, eventually I said ‘you’re hurting me’ he stopped and apologised.

I don’t feel like he has forced me into sex, but feel like it’s clear I don’t want to but he has carried on.

I’ve lost sight of what is ok.

I am grateful for all the replies and support.

I probably have gone into denial a bit.

That's natural.

I didn't know I was being abused when I was. It took a few shocked responses from other people for the penny to drop.

Be kind to yourself.

Good points all.
I'm ND, and though I am actually high empathy, my patience is not always good and I'm very much a "do that math" sort of person when it comes to figuring out what people's actions signify. So sometimes I find it difficult to patiently encourage people to face these things. I've done it God knows how many times to many people over the course of my life and sometimes I'm weary of saying the same thing again and again. I'm assuming others may feel the same. Maybe I need to stay off these threads when I feel that way. However, you're probably right that both approaches are needed.

That's normal. It's such a a horrifying thing to have to admit to yourself that you avoid it. You'll get there and you'll get free. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Horrible! So glad you divorced him!

I didn't know I was suffering abuse until the relationship ended and police/CAB told me what it was.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I hope you realised how awful it is and figure out a way to be happy.

My ex did this to me over the course of 25 years. A couple of times I clearly said I didn’t want to do anything (awkward places that didn’t feel okay) and he did it it anyway. But at least weekly for years, we would have sex even though every part of my body was against it (I hate him), because the fall out from not giving him what was his ‘right as a husband’ just wasn’t worth it for me and the kids. I ended up finding out about his affairs and that was the happiest I’d been in year.

I asked him if he knew what he had done to me was rape? He said you can’t rape your
wife.

i am still very much in denial about everything as well. But I’m out of that situation. And life is completely different. I hope you can be happy.

@XChrome People benefit from
the variety of responses on a public forum! :)
I think the math analogy is good: some can see the answer, but it’s a complex problem and the OP needs to do the long working out before the answer makes sense to her.

Hope you’re OK, OP. In denial perhaps, but conscious of that denial too.

I’m always amazed by the strength women have to put up with stuff for the sake of peace, the husband, the family. If only we could as easily channel that strength into prioritising ourselves!

Thanks to everyone who replied to me.
Just coming back to this.
It’s been a confusing few months.

There haven’t been any other incidents for a while, he seemed more accepting when I didn’t want to have sex.
But this week something else happened again.
In the morning, I was still sleepy, I sleep on my left side, generally in a foetal position, facing away from him usually. He put his arm round me, then moved to try and start something, touching my breasts and hands on my legs, I was half asleep and didn’t really respond, after a while he said ‘shall I stop’ and he stopped. I was surprised and relieved.
That night I was again half asleep, this time he went straight to touching in-between my legs, again I didn’t respond in any way, stayed curled up on my side. He moved my legs apart and carried on. This ultimately progressed to sex, with him turning me over onto my back and climbing on top. There was nothing forceful, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice and was being ‘moved’. I didn’t say anything throughout, didn’t touch him or reciprocate at all. He just carried on.
It was dark, I was crying but I don’t think he realised.

What is confusing me is that, I could have said no, but I didn’t. I could have stopped him, but I didn’t. Again I just sort of froze.
I’m not worried he’s going to hurt me, he might sulk and be annoyed, but that’s all. So I should just say no? Why don’t I?

I try to think how I would explain this to a friend, and the most basic explanation is ‘I didn’t want to have sex, but I did’ and I know that’s not right.

thats awful OP. Please start making plans to leave. Can you sleep elsewhere? Maybe in with one of the kids?

I’m not afraid, I don’t need to sleep somewhere else.
When I posted before I was told almost exclusively it was assault/rape. But maybe I just need to by more clear? I haven’t always said No, it’s implied in my body language but I haven’t said it. So if I don’t want sex I can stop it, I believe he would stop it I said stop.

But you haven't said yes, it must be obvious to him you're not into it, he doesn't care.

@noitsachicken im so sad to hear you are still in this awful situation. He knows you don’t want sex, your body language is a clear signal, you are not consenting in any way. Not physically fighting him off or not verbally telling him no isn’t consent either. As hard as it is to accept he is assaulting you, your lack of response is not uncommon, it’s a disassociation to protect yourself. The fact you were crying throughout and he didn’t notice, or care to notice, must tell you something. Unfortunately he’s not just going to stop doing this, he feels entitled to your body and you need to protect yourself.

You shouldn’t have to tell him no but he is choosing to ignore your obvious signals so please try to verbalise, tell him no, tell him to stop, tell him he is not entitled to use your body like this. The fact you feel unable to speak in this situation makes me think that you don’t actually believe that he would stop or that he wouldn’t hurt you, even though that’s what you’re trying to convince yourself of.

Please find support in real life, make a plan and get away from this disgusting excuse of a human. You are stronger than you know.

He didn’t have your consent. You were crying. There’s no way he can have known you weren’t up for this.

Also worth nothing that him throwing huffs when you say no, is sexual coercion. Which is also ileagal.

He literally uncrossed your crossed legs.

No doesn't have to be stated.

He's getting more and more bold.

You are not safe.

Please stop blaming yourself. He is a horrible man and he is raping you. And he KNOWS it.

I know that the thought of that is horrifying. So much so that you'd rather think it was a misusnderstanding or miscommunication.

But I'm sorry, it isn't.

Get away from him.

The fact is he thinks he has a right to your body because you’re his wife. That is the kind of man that he is, It doesn’t matter if you want it or not, he does and that’s all that matters to him.

Not explicitly saying yes is saying no OP. He had to physically move you into position and you were crying throughout, didn't touch him back or reciprocate in any way. How could he possibly believe you were happy and willing to have sex in that situation. Please phone women's aid and confide in someone you trust if you can.

He has raped you again.
You poor poor woman.

Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.

But you’re not safe.
The reason you’re not saying no is because psychologically you are worried that if you do say no he may become violent. It’s a deeply human and well researched response- freeze.
also you’re worried if (when) he finally continues after you’ve said no then you can no longer deny it’s rape and you’d be forced to do something.
All totally normal thoughts and reactions. But as outsiders (who’ve read it before many times on here) it’s awful to watch.
please at least sleep elsewhere, but also begin planning to leave. You won’t regret it, long term.
sending love and strength

Sorry to read your update OP.

The reason you don't say no is because of the repercussions.
The sulking, being cross with the kids, moody with you. Everyone suffers?

Your mind is debating how it's preferable to being raped for several minutes, than having to deal with his moods for the next few days.. Until he tries again..

Then gets his way again, because he knows that you know the consequences.

He's truly vile OP 💐

Sorry to read this - he rapes you. You didnt say no because of the repercussions his moods, sulking, which is abusive behaviour, You didnt say yes and you didnt respond to his advances so you’ve said no with your body. He would know this but still did it anyway so thats rape.

I have explained in the past why I don’t want sex so much (peri etc) and for a while he seemed to accept that.

Now I just feel anxious each time he comes to bed, worried that I will either have to say no, have to put on a pretence and go through with it, or just wait and see what happens and hope for the best.

I should try to talk to him again. I feel like I’m not giving him any opportunity to change

I'm sorry, OP. But in what world does another person not realise the other person doesn't want sex. Of course he knows you don't want sex. He just doesn't care. You are being sexually assaulted and raped. Please get some help in real life.