Confused- sex when one person doesn’t want to

[noitsachicken]

I’m married with children. Things haven't been great, DH can be up and down with his moods and easily become cross at times. But most of the time things are ok, he does he fair share around the house and lots with the children.
Recently I haven’t always been in the mood for sex, I am perimenopausal and when he has been cross with me or the kids I just don’t want to.
I tend to avoid it by going to bed early, but sometimes I can’t and just say no, but this often leads to sulking, and can affect his mood.
A few times recently he has tried to start something, I’ve sometimes been asleep, sometimes I’ve said no, and not reciprocated but he has carried on. I just kind of froze and let it happen.
I’m not sure if I’ve not been clear enough, I feel like my body language is clear, one time my legs were crossed and he pushed them apart.
But maybe I need to just say No and deal with the moodiness.

The most recent time I was led there and he was touching me, I hadn’t said anything and he was carrying on. He was being a little more rough than usual, eventually I said ‘you’re hurting me’ he stopped and apologised.

I don’t feel like he has forced me into sex, but feel like it’s clear I don’t want to but he has carried on.

I’ve lost sight of what is ok.

@noitsachicken I have posted a link to another thread here as I think it may help you? Maybe even reach out to the op and have a chat if you want? I am sure she would be happy to help you. Please consider your options x

Thankyou.

I don’t think our situations are the same. But her description of freezing sounds similar.

No real update here, except some bad decisions on my part.

H hasn’t tried anything for a while now.

Leave him.
Any decent man respects your wishes.
Im post menopause and if im not in the mood and DH asks im honest and tell him and he respects this. That’s what a respectful husband/partner would do.
Hes a selfish pig.

@noitsachicken hows the therapy going?

Sex without consent is rape. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Slow. I’ve only had a couple of sessions.
I’m just talking really. It’s hard.
Not sure what I am expecting really.

@noitsachicken you’ve made a start, that’s the main thing. It takes time to get used to the therapist and feel comfortable to open up to them. You may find they aren’t the right fit for you, which is totally fine and you can try another option.

Ultimately you’re only going to benefit by identifying what it was you want to work on, this isn’t always obvious and can take time to work out. I probably was in regular therapy for a good few months before I’d identified the key source points of why I’d had a breakdown, it’s then taken much longer to work through those issues. I’ve very much benefited from EMDR which is very useful for processing trauma, dealing with anxiety and depression.

I'm glad your H hasn't tried anything. What do you mean when you say you've made some bad decisions?
Stick with the counselling. X

I ended up crossing the line with a colleague 🙄
The whole thing is a mess and a cliche and I can’t see my way out.

It’s a sign you are deeply unhappy in your relationship with your husband. Please use the counselling to find a way out. Don’t feel too bad about it.

Is it the same colleague that you confided about your husband?

Yep. Predictable.

But if I’m honest we were already headed that way before he knew everything.

It’s over now, but our friendship is damaged. So I have lost a close and trusted friend as well.

I feel like such a mid-life crisis in action.
I’ve made everything so much worse.

@noitsachicken in most situations honesty is the best policy but I don’t think that’s the case for your circumstances. Try to be honest with your therapist so you can get things clearer in your head. I’m surprised your friend decided to pursue a romantic relationship after you disclosed the abuse, particularly with how vulnerable that can make someone. Obviously we don’t know the circumstances, I just hope it was a mutually agreed situation and you don’t feel he took advantage of the situation.

@noitsachicken what my therapist says to me in sessions I’ve had is we are there to face my truths. I held off for a while but when I started to speak my truths out loud, I became more comfortable with what I was feeling.

I am sorry for what happened with your colleague but I hope it showed you a little hoe happiness and being free feels.

I do hope he didn’t take advantage and you were willing in everything that went on between you.

No, he definitely didn’t.

Its just made everything harder.

@noitsachicken it feels like you are trapped mentally like you have no choice but to stay in your situation, don’t used what happened to guilt you into staying.

I’m finding things really hard right now.
I’m not sure why, although I realised it’s around a year since all of this started.

I’m finding it harder to be at home, to be around him. To pretend that everything is ok.

@noitsachicken could you think about the logistics of leaving? You are clearly very unhappy, understandably so, you deserve to live a life of peace.

The logistics are hard.
I don’t want to destroy my children’s lives

We all had to tiptoe around my dad. We may not have known what went on in the bedroom but we were all affected by his abuse. My mum stayed out of fear until I’d left home. I really bloody wish she hadn’t.

I think it’s more destructive destroying your own life. Kids are resilient. I am divorced, it’s not easy but will be easier that you being abused like this.

I can’t think. Therapy is making it all come out when I don’t want it to.
I’m just treading water right now. I’m so confused, but I have to keep going.

Hi. OP.

I'm in pretty much the same situation as you. My H has also taken advantage of me many times. (I now know it's more than that, but I struggle with the other word.) I'm having therapy too. We also have DC and can't afford to live separately.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

Please look after yourself.

Sorry you are going through something similar 😕

I think that you have been tricked into believing that your child are protected from their D because you're present, but they are not. They are witnessing systemic, historic, sustained emotional, psychological, and physical abuse of their mother. And the impact this has on you on a daily basis.

Domestic Abuse doesn't always come with bruises, shouting, or violence. Often it is quietly reducing and erasing you, and your children's joy and ability to advocate for yourselves when things are not right. Sometimes because of financial imbalance and the abuse this power can bring in unequal relationships where the value of childcare, home management and individuals is diminished.

We fool ourselves that we have freedom, that we choose things, they are ok sometimes but nevertheless you are experiencing high levels of DA and this is why your thoughts feel warped and unsure. Is your H a monster? Maybe not the picture of a domestic abuser you thought. You probably think you don't look like a typical DA victim. This picture is clouding your judgement.

21 years of my marriage were the same. 20 years of living without him (I had to wait for him to leave) and at times I still doubt my memory. I have never spoken about the SA to anyone, ever But that is because of the gaslighting. It changes your brain.

Your H is coaching your children into potentially being DA victims. Staying with him cannot shield them. Even with 50/50 custody they are safe 50% more of the time than they are now.