Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

@katmunchkin Remember to take time to grieve over what was and what was to come.

I know you don't want to think ahout it but I wonder what would have happened if you had just left things while he needed time and space?
Would you still be there now waiting for him to come out of his time and space?
Was he expecting you to just wait around?
I don't think he communicated his need for time and space well enough,he didn't set any boundaries around it such as I'll contact you in 3 days/7 days/,10 days so what were you supposed to do? Just hang about waiting?

Whatever happens is right for you🩷

Hope you have nice stuff to do this weekend ☀️

Sorry @katmunchkin classic gaslighting tactic, it’s what the one did to me two weeks ago with “please don’t contact me again you’re not the person I thought you were”. They are totally crazy - sorry as I know how you are feeling. See if you can find a distraction to take your mind off it today

Oh I'm so sorry to read this update.
It really can feel SO painful can't it..
I just want to remind you that it won't always feel like this. I know now you'll be thinking you'll never find anyone else like him, but as time passes you'll see this wasn't right.
You will feel better ❤️

@SamW98 yes! They are just swiping right on everyone. They don't actually like everyone. Just boosting their chances and egos.

Btw went on a date last night which went fine.

He told me men have to pay for bumble. That the profiles they match are blurred so they have to pay to unblur.

Don't know if everyone knew this but I didn't

Thanks all, he insisted he didn't need time and space away from me when he originally said it, he meant away from work. But apparently my reaction was all about me, rather than offer support, which I disagree with to an extent, but what would he expect when he completely blindsided me? He says long term we're not compatible as I made it all too dramatic, and that's not what he's about. He also says he doesn't have time for a serious relationship, and he needs t work on himself.
The 2 week break of no contact has probably helped me to be honest as I've had time to get used to not having him in my life. I know I'll get over him, but god this hurts!

I had left him alone during the 2 weeks no contact, I just wish I could turn back the clock and say things slightly differently when he originally told me he needed time and space - not jump in with an emotional, speaking before I think, response. But what's done is done, it clearly wasn't meant to be x

Thank you @blacksocks33 - it's still very raw and I know I'll get him out of my mind eventually but right now it bloody hurts - even yesterday he was so cold with me, he's not the person I'd fallen for. Or maybe I'd fallen for an act, and this is the real him.

That’s not true. Men have exactly the same access as we do. They can’t see likes but when they match they can message.

Pleaaaassseeee don't blame yourself!
This is just an example that you weren't the right match!
If you can learn something about yourself then that's wonderful! But this hasn't ended just because of your reaction!

@katmunchkin I think this part of his explanation is more like the actual truth He also says he doesn't have time for a serious relationship, and he needs t work on himself
The rest was gaslighting of you and blaming you.
I don't think you would have been compatible long term either, not because you are 'dramatic' but because he lacks emotional intelligence and can't communicate how he is feeling and that never makes for a good relationship.

I think he was probably looking for some fun and got in deeper than he thought he would and so had to pull back and go no contact for 2 weeks.

I know of so many guys who say they don't have time for a serious relationship despite earlier thinking they did.
Men think a relationship is exactly what they need when really they're still on a journey.

At the start of the year I told a guy that I didn't think he was truly ready for a relationship with me due to time and other things to sort on his journey and we parted ways.
He disagreed with me completely but a month ago came back into my life and admitted that I was right all along.....

Report it for what?

@katmunchkin everyone that’s already replied has said everything I’d say so I’m sending a virtual g&t or Diet Coke or whatever it is you like. His loss but definitely not your loss.

@katmunchkin sounds exactly like my ex. He was a manipulative swine in the end.

Thanks all, this is really helping 😊.
My friends have read our text conversations from 2.weeks ago & last night and nlboth agree that he is showing definate narcissist traits - which is funny because he always used to play the victim with his exes and said that one once called him a narcissist, and he was hugely offended. He's mega hot on mental health, healing himself etc, so I don't think he's in the right place for a relationship - whether that's with me or anyone (he claims he doesn't want to be with anyone), and the things which he says take up his time are normal adult responsibilities and tasks. He's a man-child basically.
It's amazing what a morning back on the apps can do for the confidence - I'm not jumping back in to anything as this will take some getting over, but it's nice to feel good about myself again x

Hes sounding more and more like my ex by the day! YOu are better off away from him.

If you’ve got Spotify, look for the audiobook called It’s Not You. He sounds like the dangerous type of vulnerable/covert narcissist. I’ve been suckered by 2 of these. They don’t have the big grand gestures of the normal type but they play the victim, everyone else is to blame, etc. I’ve had two like this including the recent one they are harder to spot

What’s it with men saying on the profiles they like ‘cuddles’? 🤢

Is it just me that shudders reading that?

Oh I absolutely hate it 🙈 it gives me the ick. They think it's what we want to hear but nooo

‘Cuddles’ is somehow such a slimy word.

Cuddles is another word like tactile that as soon as man puts it in his profile I think they’re someone who would be pawing you constantly when you’re trying to watch the tv or whatever.

What we used to call WHT back in my day

Cuddles? Jesus christ no and no. The one and only man I spoke to on the one and only dating app I had for a day and went to whatsapp with (my own fault) told me in the very last message I received from him before blocking him that he would like to 'make love' to me all night. Apparently I was to be thrilled by this prospect. I was not.

@newdater32 I was inspired by your prompt that I created my own! I just can’t be bothered making the first move, having to find something on a profile for them not to message back - this is such an efficient way of doing it. Thank you!

Yes, I’ve had this. Bloody weird - even got guys who have messaged and we had back and forth, one I had a date lined.

I’m liking the new opening prompt on Bumble. Using it like an out of office. Matched 18 overnight, 5 have responded and been chatty this morning. Others haven’t done anything yet.

Urgh ladies I think I have been an idiot. Went out last night with the guy that I had a date with 3 years ago. I really liked him this time, found him more attractive etc. At 11pm we debated what to do and we decided as grown ups to go back to his. Yes it happened. 🫣
Ended up staying as no cabs. He brought me home this morning. As I got out of the car I said naturally “see you later” and then something like “oh actually, on that note, will I see you later?” Meaning, again! He was like “uh yeah, I’m just busy today”. I said I didn’t mean it literally and laughed it off.

What to do now though? Any advice for if/what to follow up with? I would like to see him again. Anyone been in this position? I really hope this wasn’t just a bloody hook up. I literally never do this. I haven’t had a ONS in 25 years!!! Idiot. But - tbh if he was going to mess about, he would just have strung it out over a couple of dates and then done it I guess! Back to the over thinking again