Dating Thread 249 - Summer

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*
*

LittleFloatingGhost OMG what an idiot! Wonder if that approach ever works for him...

That’s appalling and you did right thing reporting him. What a complete arse. Sorry you had that from a brain dead idiot.

I waited for a few minutes after the gif to see if he sent any further message but no that was his contribution to our chat so off he went.

I think it's the whole process @ElleintheWoods not just the actual date.

I've mostly enjoyed the actual dates, had a couple where I should have extricated myself sooner but mostly they've been ok.

I've chatted to a couple of people where it's been super easy, felt likely we would get on and then they've disappeared just before we were due to met.

It's that kind of thing I find draining & puts me off messaging endlessly but that in itself means more meet ups as I do invariably rule a lot out after a few messages & before meeting up.

I guess it's just a mind set thing. I have two teenagers so definitely not looking to start a family! Looking for someone to share stuff with, I have lots of good friends but miss having that one special person and being special to someone else. So it's more difficult to see it as a way of potentially making new friends as I'm not really looking for more pals.

Trying to be more positive about it all, have a couple of different options just now so you never know!

@LittleFloatingGhost so sorry that happened, what a total arsehole.

Happy to hear your other updates though, sounds like you have had a few good options/ dates recently, that's great 😊

This man's profile today.

Under 'I'll never shut up about' he's written 'Providing for my children'.

& 'What gets me out of bed in the morning'. 'Providing for my children'.

& 'I'm known for' Providing for my children'

Think he wants a Gold star for being a parent!

Mckittens I know exactly what you mean. The whole thing is just mentally draining sometimes isn't it.

@NervesOfCotton 😂 it is helpful that some of them have red flags waving so vibrantly right across their profiles!

I'm chatting to two possibles just now, one of whom has asked today how I would feel about a phone call.

So far I have had three phone calls and out of those I went on to meet only one of them. The other two I knew from the call I didn't want to pursue so in theory it saved me time as I could rule them out without having to meet up. But the reality is that a call fills me with anxiety as much or more than a face to face meeting.

Any tips from anyone who has successful phone calls or at least doesn't shy away from calls as part of this whole process?

Mckittens I like a phonecall/video call sometimes too. Saves you the trouble of meeting if it isn't going to work.

Personally I just keep telling myself 'It will be over soon. If you say something stupid then you never have to speak to him again. Same as if he's just awful. Just 2 mins of your life & then it can be done'.

Probably sounds silly but I also get really anxious about phonecalls/video calls so these little internal 'It will be ok' type things get me through!

Thanks @NervesOfCotton I so wish I didn't get so anxious about it all.

@ElleintheWoods - oh that’s a shame really! I was sooo rooting for your work romance!!! Are you sure the awkwardness just wasn’t down to nerves? I complexly understand the incompatibility of lifestyle but awkwardness I would probably put down to nervousness. Most single men in their 40s I have met seem to drink excessively - I don’t know whether it is due to alcohol being such an important of professional/client entertainment or they use it to cope in life.

I think it was nerves actually. We spoke at work on Monday - he asked for a quick private meeting - and the conversation was much better than I expected.

I’m actually curious why he drinks so excessively, it seems like a coping mechanism.

I just don’t understand how a really good-looking, well presented, confident, professionally highly regarded guy can be so nervous. I’m not bloody Angelina Jolie! But he just seems to crumble everytime I’m near him to an almost comical degree!

I know I said before that I was done but a part of me doesn’t want to completely discard it. Very rarely does someone catch my eye like that and it’s clear that he likes me a lot. Maybe just get to know each other at a slower pace as work colleagues/ friends and see what happens with this intense chemistry over time?

Ditto @ElleintheWoods I had hoped that you would have a spectacularly fantastic connection and given hope to the rest of us.
We all get consumed by nerves from time to time, even if out of character.
Is it worth another attempt?

@Dauntedbydating On Sunday I’d have said no chance, move on. But given how mature he was about it at work on Monday and how happy seeing him in person actually made me… I’m not saying yes but let’s see what happens over time.

Does it happen to adult men? Do they really crumble in front of someone they genuinely like and maybe think is a bit ‘forbidden fruit’? I’ve just never really had this experience before where a really confident, attractive guy (who frankly looks-wise I think is out of my league) turns into a blushing teen boy lost for words in my presence. I just find it a little bit hard to believe/ buy into but various friends have said it happens if it’s someone the man really likes. Everyone who’s ever dated me has acted really confident and steered the relationship.

@NervesOfCotton, @TwistedWonder and @Mckittens 💛

Thank you x

I’m shocked how brazen some men on OLD are. I’ve seen a couple today saying in their bio that they’re in a LTR but just looking for a casual meet up friend.

So basically mate you’ve got a wife and you want a shag buddy on the side.

Does anyone really read these bios and think ‘yep that’s the man I’m interested in?’

Twisted wonder There are loads of those (ein a relationship/married) on the 'Anybody can message anybody' site I'm on. If you say 'I'm not interested in meeting somebody who is married' you get a mouthful of abuse & 'At least I'm being honest about it'.

Wow!!! When did this become a thing? Awful that there must be so many unsuspecting wives 😔😔. I wonder if they are being ‘honest’ with their wives ? 🤨

VanillaSox I know. I have asked a lot of them if their wife/partner is aware & the answers range from 'Of course she is, why the hell wouldn't she be?!' (but then they block me. Funny that) or they just ignore me/block me. Says it all.

@ElleintheWoods - ah I am glad to hear you have connected subsequently! If you do feel there is a connection I think it is definitely worth trying to get each other a bit more before deciding whether or not to pursue something. Perhaps you will also get a sense of whether any habits may change over time (ie drinking). I know lots of professionals who were into having drinking/going out in their late 20s/early 30s who did change once they decided to start a family. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

@ElleintheWoods I would say yes it can and does.
I am a senior professional in a large organisation and normally confident with people but met a woman who was also at the top of her profession, and a lot younger than me, and found myself a bit in awe the first few times we met....throw in a bit too much alcoholic "dutch courage" and perhaps a perceived trip up in the conversation and I could see how he might go to pieces, especially if he had built up an expectation of how the conversation might go.

We ended up dating for a couple of years

@occhiazzurri Thank you! However I do feel like he needs to put the work in now if he wants another shot. Spending time together in a work context will at least help him feel more comfortable and relaxed.

I’m just that person that’s usually up at 6am opening blinds and putting happy music on, and so far my impression is that he likes to party til 2am and roll out of bed for a black coffee and cigarette! But maybe I need to stop stereotyping. If that’s the case though that’s a pretty big lifestyle incompatibility.

@Dauntedbydating thank you. Come to think of it, as a woman I’ve also certainly felt shy and lost for words around certain people, even though I’m usually the opposite. I feel shy around him, but I’m still able to chat. Now that I know he is quite interested, that’s given me a lot of confidence, too. He certainly had a bit of ‘game plan’ for the first date as the first 2 mins were perfect and very smooth, he came across very cheeky and playful. After the first lull in conversation though the atmosphere certainly changed.

There’s no rush into anything either way, with him or anyone else, so just enjoying the process and taking it day by day.

@ElleintheWoods that sounds like an actual nightmare someone playing happy music at 6am and opening blinds. I hate light and any sound at that time. There is nothing happy about it! Haha. Jokes aside I hope you can find someone compatible.

"he likes to party til 2am and roll out of bed for a black coffee and cigarette!"

To be honest ....however attractive they looked, whatever their chat or their paypacket....the cigarette would be the end of it for me!

@Honest00lad Haha I do get the odd lie-in! I'm not quite as bad but bit of an example to describe how our lifestyles differ. I'm a health freak, always up for doing stuff, even at the crack of dawn, especially fresh air/exercise/trips. He is really into sport and is a go-getter but the party lifestyle/weekend drinking has never been my lifestyle. I'm not sure whether he's someone that does that because he's single or is that just what he likes... Having said that, we have lots of things in common as well - field we work in and enjoy, both have seen the world, both enjoy variety and change more than most, and have a good overlap in hobbies.

@Dauntedbydating I know, smoking is a deal breaker for many. I take a somewhat flexible view of it, but it certainly doesn't help his case. I thought it was a few a day but looks like it could be a lot more!

Do you ever find that your head and your heart live separate lives? I.e. I know the kind of guy that would be a good fit for me, but I usually don't fall for that guy. However, someone, somewhere catches my eye with something every few years, and they are usually a lot less suitable, but they're the one I'm hugely drawn to. I think what's especially nice about this situation is that when we started talking more openly, turns out that on the day that we first saw one another, we both went 'wow, this is someone I'm very interested in, who are they?' I'm not sure how often this level of mutual attraction happens?

Todays Bumble update - got a message from a guy saying he would love to whisk me off to a stunning volcanic Greek island but it seems another lucky man has got in first.

For context, one of my photos is in Santorini a couple of months ago.

So I replied that no it wasn’t another man, I’d gone there with a couple of friends. And he responded (and I quote) begging your pardon ma’am but I find that a little hard to believe you’d go to such a romantic place without a suitor

Unmatched immediately.

@TwistedWonder ’suitor’ what century is that dude living in ?! 🤣🤣

Also it was obviously completely inconceivable you would holiday without a man 🤣. I’ve found a bewildered incomprehensible look on some men’s faces when I’ve mentioned I’ve travelled on my own. I do actually wonder sometimes if we are living in the 21st century !