He dropped a bombshell

[lancsy]

Hi ladies, I’m sure this topic has come up a lot but here goes. Been with husband 2 years and we have a 7 month old. Got married recently and the day after husband confessed to me to using prostitutes in the past (5 times). First 3 times when he was in his mid 20s at a strip club in Eastern Europe, a brothel in the UK and he hired an escort to his house. Second 2 he was in his mid 30s in Amsterdam and Aus when it’s legal. He’s mid 40s now. He says he feels shame about it but the conversations around trafficking weren’t there 20 years ago. I’ve no reason to believe there are any more and he’s not using them now. His Instagram is however filled with young semi naked girls 🤦‍♀️ Thoughts? I don’t want to break our family up over this but I’m really struggling!

It would be a dealbreaker for me OP.

He did deny you the right to make an informed choice.

It doesn't have to be heartbreaking though - it could be the greatest escape for you & your baby.

Maybe read 'if it hurt's it isn't love' by Chuck Spezzano.

Lol.

What a ridiculous post.

Having sex with prostitutes isn't that different to have ONS

Here's a word for you to look up in the dictionary; CONSENT.

You can't buy it.

Oh and most ONS partners probably wouldn't be run by a gang of pimps from Eastern Europe.

we've all made silly mistakes when we were younger/on girls holidays

Did you pay broke men to fuck you on holiday?

I don't think he's a good man.
Will you be emotionally happy with him?
Sorry that you're going through this.

He told you all this the day after you got married...with a baby already in the picture?

Very very odd.

I'd wonder if he's worried about being caught or outed for something more recent and us setting the scene for an "addiction" story.

The Instagram thing would also be shit, even without you knowing this.

And the fact that he was the only one if his group that went looking for and used prostitutes; like knowing your partner is the most dysfunctional and scummiest of an entire group of young men.

He's got warning labels all over him.

It’s hard not to imagine there’s much more he’s not telling me & this is just the start. Needless to say I’d don’t think he’d brave enough to give the whole story now

I'm torn on this one...

There will be those who say that if he paid, he's OK with women being trafficked and effectively raping women, because how could any woman 'want' to be a prostitute.

But then there will be those who say it's a transaction, just sex, no emotion, and in the past. It's been a long time, he's learned from his mistakes etc.

Some women could forgive, others couldn't. Does one crime in the past doom you to never being happy again? If it does, is it any wonder why men hide things like this?

For some men, women who have had a threesome, an abortion, had sex at all... women who have more than a few sexual partners (most men and women lie for this reason!), had OF... these are dealbreakers. How honest have most women been about their past to their partners? What is the forgiveness buffer?

"He's genuinely a nice guy" - yeah. They all are. Until they aren't. I find that with many, many men, they have their "normal" human side, and then their "lust" side that is very Jekyll and Hyde. Everyone always says what a great guy "John" is - his family, his friends, his coworkers, what a great guy! He would NEVER cheat! Etc. Then it turns out "John" is shagging Stacey from accounts and banging every man on Grindr on the side. It's very strange how they can maintain two completely different sides to one coin.

I’d be more concerned about the letchy Instagram. When you say full of - meaning he’s following multiples of these kind of accounts? He’s deleted it now but with your age gap it’s painting a picture of having form for preferring younger women - which is hardly a crime but the motivations for it are what’s important.

He didn’t follow accounts but I clicked on his search feed and it was full of pretty much young naked women and nothing else

Similar issue with TikTok not that long into our relationship. I caught a glimpse of it and felt uncomfortable so asked him what he used it for. He denied using it to look at women. I later discovered this to be untrue- the only accounts he did follow were young women not wearing very much. He deleted it as it upset me but seemingly just replaced it with Instagram

Some women could forgive, others couldn't. Does one crime in the past doom you to never being happy again? If it does, is it any wonder why men hide things like this?

He had no right to deny OP the chance to make that decision for herself and also it was something he did on multiple occasions according to his own account , but he has probably downplayed the frequency tbh.

He could always, you know, go be “happy” with a woman who is ok with it, instead of making another person unhappy just to get what he wants?

I’m sure there are many “cool girls” who would be okay with it. He knew OP may
not be one of them which is why he withheld that information. That is deceptive.

For some men, women who have had a threesome, an abortion, had sex at all... women who have more than a few sexual partners (most men and women lie for this reason!), had OF... these are dealbreakers. How honest have most women been about their past to their partners? What is the forgiveness buffer?

If a woman told a man about an abortion or an OF the day after the wedding I’d take a very dim view of that too. There’s a reason why any man or woman withholds that kind of potentially contentious information and chooses to disclose it only on the wedding night.

He clearly knew it was going to be a big deal for OP but wanted to disclose it - at a time that suited him with no regard for her feelings.

Its not bravery or cowardice—he will only tell you what suits him because he is a manipulative, instrumental, user of women.

He was single so much he had sex with prostitutes 5+ times. He preferentially dated women 7-8 years younger than himself because he wanted children. He romanced and got you pregnant before marriage, married you and then felt it necessary ONE DAY AFTER MARRIAGE to burst your bubble of self confidence and love and tell you he had paid for sex multiple times and gad no reason to know it was a problem.

He only ever reveals what he has to or wants to. Get ready for him to come back from his mummy’s with a self diagnosis as a sex addict ir something exculpatory.

If I were you I’d get out fast and look for an age appropriate bf who chooses you and not your fertility.

Parenthetically there was just a very interesting article in The Guardian on the way instagram is used by men as a porn substitute. 90 percent of the followers of these girls—even if they think they are working for and attracting other like minded girls, are men.

So you know that last time you asked him to delete a sleazy account he just replaced it with another. So even then he was lying to you and not respecting your feelings.

No, most men don't look at those sorts of accounts. My DH looks at hobby groups when he (very occasionally) goes on social media, and doesn't find younger women unattractive (probably because they are more our DCs age and he find it eugh). I would be surprised if any of his friends were learing after young women. I wouldn't respect any of them anymore if they were, and I wouldn't stay married to him if he was.

I've travelled a lot. Including in places where there is a fair amount of this. Parts of Africa, Cuba etc. Absolutely gorgeous, available, grindingly poor men in countries they are desperate to leave who will have 'relationships' with western women for money. More or less obviously.

I vacillate between feeling maternal towards them and being disgusted with the people who are facilitating this. I can't imagine sleeping with a man knowing full well he wouldn't if I wasn't paying.

And @C1N1C I'm open about my past but comparing an abortion with using sex workers is repulsive.

So you asked him to delete one porn platform and he substituted another. Lovely. His issues with women are not 10 years in the past, they are right now, and the more you post about him the more awful he is. I could not stay with a man who had a decades-long pattern of using strange women for sexual gratification. It's cheating, plain and simple.

I'm sorry, OP.

I really disagree with this. Honesty is always the best policy. Any man who has a problem with me having had an abortion or the number of past sexual partners that I've had is not the man for me. I would never lie about these things because I am not ashamed of my life and my past, and I want a man who isn't ashamed of me, either. Also, these things are different because they don't support the exploitation of vulnerable people. A past of "using" prostitutes is more than a sexual turn off. It shows that the man believed that women are to be used, and that he has no moral problems with the industry.

In the OP's case, the timing really sucks. I might be willing to forgive a man who early on let me know that he had, in the past and when young, paid for sex - But that this makes him feel sick now, that he deeply regrets it, that he's changed, that he completely understands if I want to walk away. Maybe. But there is no forgiveness buffer for dropping this bombshell from no where, the day after the wedding.

You were. He should have told you well before he married you.

@C1N1C

For some men, women who have had a threesome, an abortion, had sex at all... women who have more than a few sexual partners (most men and women lie for this reason!), had OF... these are dealbreakers. How honest have most women been about their past to their partners? What is the forgiveness buffer?

Not sure why you lumped abortion in with the other things because the other things are about your sexual experiences and things you've tried sexually. I wouldn't consider an abortion to be anything to do with a persons sexual past.

I don't think women need to tell men about past abortions and likewise I don't think men need to tell women if their previous partners had abortions after he got them pregnant either....although it would be great if women knew if the man had in fact pressured an ex into an abortion but of course new partners generally don't find out that information.

I do think that women should find out mens stance on abortions though, because it can often say a lot about how they see women, and I think if he's very against them and she's had one in the past then she shouldn't continue in the relationship, for her own sake rather than his.

Not sure why you lumped abortion in with the other things because the other things are about your sexual experiences and things you've tried sexually. I wouldn't consider an abortion to be anything to do with a persons sexual past.

Because some men like to lump women's needed healthcare together with men's desire to get their cocks serviced at the expense of others. I can hazard a guess as to what their intent is. But I'd get deleted if I said.

These are false comparisons. None of those things involve trafficking, force and using other human beings for your own selfish gratification. They are nobody's business. What women consensually do with their bodies is immaterial. We're talking about doing something to somebody else's body, someone who may not actually be willing. A man who is okay with that is not much better than a rapist.

The reason men hide these things is because they know it's vile to use prostitutes and that women will reject them. So they con women into having relationships them by ommiting these serious and pertinent facts. It's sex by deception and marriage by deception.

what a shock for you op

he has not only told you the type of man he is he has also shown you via his Instagram

more stories that he is apparently ashamed of shall most likely be shared

and so what if he was hurt and lonely most of us have been at some point this isn’t why he paid for sex