Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He dropped a bombshell

183 replies

lancsy · 21/06/2024 19:51

Hi ladies, I’m sure this topic has come up a lot but here goes. Been with husband 2 years and we have a 7 month old. Got married recently and the day after husband confessed to me to using prostitutes in the past (5 times). First 3 times when he was in his mid 20s at a strip club in Eastern Europe, a brothel in the UK and he hired an escort to his house. Second 2 he was in his mid 30s in Amsterdam and Aus when it’s legal. He’s mid 40s now. He says he feels shame about it but the conversations around trafficking weren’t there 20 years ago. I’ve no reason to believe there are any more and he’s not using them now. His Instagram is however filled with young semi naked girls 🤦‍♀️ Thoughts? I don’t want to break our family up over this but I’m really struggling!

OP posts:
Howbizarre22 · 22/06/2024 04:40

pikkumyy77 · 21/06/2024 20:27

Ugh for all the posters excusing the use of prostitutes as no big deal. Just ugh.

They are men

Howbizarre22 · 22/06/2024 04:45

rmc2001 · 21/06/2024 21:06

So I know this goes against the general Mumsnet opinion but, it’s not a big deal. He didn’t cheat on anyone, he didn’t rape anyone.
As for the Instagram thing, I personally wouldn’t care. But as he deleted the account after you voiced your displeasure he obviously respects your opinions and doesn’t want to upset you.
Also, as someone who’s worked as a sex worker myself. We aren’t all trafficked or drug addicts or in need of saving or any of the other stereotypes. A lot of us enjoy our work and actively choose to do it.

Ew.

daisychain01 · 22/06/2024 04:46

So I know this goes against the general Mumsnet opinion but, it’s not a big deal. He didn’t cheat on anyone, he didn’t rape anyone

Jeez how low can you go!

it's like saying "he's a good husband, at least he doesn't get drunk and beat me up on a Saturday night" - such a low bar and expectation.

Howbizarre22 · 22/06/2024 04:56

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/06/2024 03:36

No bloke is 'going white' at the thought of going back to the same city where he used a prostitute a decade ago. Why would you even visit the red light district whilst there? And even if you did, what does he think is going to happen, someone hops out of a window to say 'hey John, nice to see you again, remember me from 10 years ago?'...

This is far far more recent than a decade ago. I think he went white at the thought of Amsterdam because when you discuss your trip away with friends/family of his, there's going to be some knowing looks, some off-colour jokes, some comment from someone that drops him in the shit.

So he's told you a partial truth, a common tactic.. make the little lady think you're being open and honest and up-front about things and she'll settle for that and not dig any further. A partial truth that gives him cover for when someone drops him in it.

It is incredibly rare that blokes use a prostitute as a one off. It becomes a fucking hobby (pun intended) for them, something totally different to sex within a relationship.

5 times is the tip of the fucking iceberg. I'd have a look at his card statements/bank account if I were you.

I thought this too. 5 times yeahhhhhh right . Once a dirty bastard, always a dirty bastard!

EveningSpread · 22/06/2024 05:31

lancsy · 21/06/2024 20:46

It’s heartbreaking. I feel as though I was denied the right to make an informed choice.

This is so true, and I really feel for you. And to tell you the day after the wedding is an incredibly manipulative move. He’s looking for you to make him feel better and say it’s ok.

The problem is, it’s not. Using prostitutes shows that he’s the sort of man who’s able to treat women like objects. Whether he repeats that behaviour or not, that’s still part of who he is. And the contents of his Instagram shows that.

I bet you feel completely blindsided and it must have changed how you see him. That’s completely valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

To him, some women are for buying sex off, some for looking at and wanking to, some are for marrying. I couldn’t be with a man like that. (Although I have been, in the past. That way, eternal insecurity lies as you know they’re always looking for/at others for that purely physical gratification - there’s no little voice in their head saying “the power dynamic when I buy women is off, that’s seedy, I shouldn’t do that.” Oh, and mine was a cheater too- the behaviours go hand in hand!)

Original poster
lancsy · 22/06/2024 05:59

He says he can guarantee most guys look at that sort of content on social media / Instagram?

OP posts:
Original poster
lancsy · 22/06/2024 06:02

Sweetenuf · 21/06/2024 23:49

You mention your husband is mid 40s but you have a 7 month old.

Do you mind sharing how old you are? You sound a fair bit younger which is not surprising since men like that usually don’t like women their own age.

I’m 9 years younger and yes it’s been a concern of mine. I asked him about that and the last serious relationship he was in she was 8 years younger. He said he wanted children though … so purposefully looked to date younger women

OP posts:
Original poster
lancsy · 22/06/2024 06:05

LionBarPlease · 22/06/2024 01:56

Did he go to his mum’s of his own volition? The timing is odd, I wonder whether he said it to give himself a reason to leave? I don’t mean that in a harsh way, as I could imagine you’re questioning everything about being with him anyway, but the timing is pretty strange and also that he effectively chose to tell you (you hadn’t found evidence). Has there been anything else about him recently that’s been out of character?

We decided we needed the space and he went off to his mums by choice.

OP posts:
NicoleSkidman · 22/06/2024 06:06

Lms68105 · 21/06/2024 20:03

Why exactly are you struggling? It happened before you came along - so it has nothing to do with you.

Do you really believe this? If you find out something distasteful about someone it changes your view of them, it doesn’t matter when it happened. You seem to be saying that it would only matter if he had cheated on OP, which is nonsense.

OP I would be appalled if I found this out about my husband. Prostitution has been considered repugnant long before we knew about human trafficking. It is vile on so many levels, not least the massive power imbalance. Did he really believe those women wanted to sleep with him? Is it consensual sex if you’re paying for it?

Your husband has shown a disgusting lack of morals.

Original poster
lancsy · 22/06/2024 06:10

Olivegardenishome · 22/06/2024 04:07

Oh you poor thing, OP.

I can’t believe how many people on here excuse using prostitutes as just being something that happened in the past. He knew it’d give you the ick hence why he didn’t tell you until you were pretty much trapped.

It doesn’t matter if someone is young or old or lonely or whatever, no excuses, any man who EVER spends money to spend time in a woman’s vagina is gross.

That act alone tells you what that man thinks of women. We’re merely just a hole for their cum. And don’t be fooled, these men don’t change. The ones who are happily married to wives who know their past are usually married to the wives who downplay this disgusting behaviour as “past is the past” or “he had needs, he was lonely”, or “he’s a red blooded male, it’s okay for him to look”… you can recognise some of them on this thread for instance. All good if they like having their bar low enough that even a flea couldn’t limbo underneath it, but some of us have a higher standard. I don’t enable to accept certain behaviours.

You…cannot….purchase…..consent.

I hand on heart would rather be with a man who slept safely with 100 willing women in one night than a man who paid to cum inside another woman whereby he had to purchase the consent.

And as for his instagram behaviour, again just gross. How humiliating for you.

I am so sorry he’s put you in this position. He knew what he was doing, which again is abhorrent on his behalf. But ultimately it is how you feel, OP. I know it would put me off him for life, but how do you feel?

It is humiliating. It’s like being with a stranger. He is getting therapy - a step in the right direction. At the moment I just feel like taking the little one & starting over. I’ve seen people ignore red flags in relationships and the hurt down the line. I don’t want to be looking back in a total mess in a few years time thinking I can’t believe I stayed with him

OP posts:
LookingForwardToSunshine · 22/06/2024 06:12

lancsy · 22/06/2024 05:59

He says he can guarantee most guys look at that sort of content on social media / Instagram?

I'm so sorry OP to read your posts and updates. Please don't be manipulated by this man. My husband doesn't look at this sort of content (mid 40s). He's in mushroom spotters and cloud appreciation social media groups instead.

Bodeganights · 22/06/2024 06:14

Lms68105 · 21/06/2024 20:20

Seriously? What would you say if a man dumped his girl because he wasn't happy about her body count?

Show quote history

You can leave a relationship for any reason or none.

VisitationRights · 22/06/2024 06:15

The repeated use of prostitutes tells you an awful lot about how he views women as does the insta filled with young women. Is this the type of man you would want your daughter to marry? Is this the type of man you would want your son to be?

EveningSpread · 22/06/2024 06:21

lancsy · 22/06/2024 05:59

He says he can guarantee most guys look at that sort of content on social media / Instagram?

I think that’s probably fairly accurate, although it depends on your circle. My close male friends, my partner and his close male friends think it’s pathetic and creepy behaviour. They have instagrams full of their interests (like music, travel, photography, cycling) and would be embarrassed to be seen gawping at naked young women. But they acknowledge it’s common among a certain kind of man.

One of the great revelations of my adult life was getting away from those type of men - and finding out that not all men are interested in gawping at young girls, nor keen to frame themselves as helpless to their insatiable sex drives!

Gatecrashermum · 22/06/2024 06:23

lancsy · 22/06/2024 05:59

He says he can guarantee most guys look at that sort of content on social media / Instagram?

Nope

My husband doesn't look at that sort of content on Instagram or anywhere else. I know what porn he likes and none of it involves teenage girls.

Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo · 22/06/2024 06:29

Sounds like my exH, also a very nice guy on the surface. I knew before we married that he had used escorts in the past. Except it wasn’t just the past. Divorced now. Only you can know what to do but in your shoes I’d start again. You deserve an honest man.

kkloo · 22/06/2024 06:34

Lms68105 · 21/06/2024 21:10

Did you tell him about your body count before getting married?

Show quote history

This isn't about his 'body count' as you well know.
It's about the fact that he paid 5 women to let him use their bodies for sex 😷

If he had told her 5 one night stands he had in the past she wouldn't be on here posting.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 22/06/2024 06:56

The relationship has moved extremely fast and it sounds like you don’t really know him. And the ‘him’ you’ve learnt about is revolting.

You don’t need any excuse to end a relationship that is not working for you anymore.

BileBeansSara · 22/06/2024 07:07

The manipulation is as bad as the news itself. He has denied you all the facts.

I would divorce him at least. A marriage of short duration is looked at differently and you can get out a lot easier from the financial POV.

Would you trust him ever? Could you ever look at him without seeing the sleaze?

NoraBattysCurlers · 22/06/2024 07:18

Lms68105 · 21/06/2024 20:21

Except he hasn't done any of that. Having sex with prostitutes isn't that different to have ONS - hardly a crime of century

Show quote history

@Lms68105 what a disgusting statement. How low do you go.

Yousay55 · 22/06/2024 07:24

I would find it incredibly hard to trust a man that has ever thought it ok to sleep with such vulnerable women. Unless he’s now a completely changed man ( Instagram suggests he’s not), then I would struggle to believe him.

Alittlefrustrated · 22/06/2024 07:25

lancsy · 21/06/2024 20:14

He was single on all occasions. The first he says was because he had his heart broken by a girl 🤷‍♀️ He was the only one out of his lads group to use one in both Bulgaria and Amsterdam which I can’t get my head around. So no peer pressure

Edited

He could be just protecting his friends.

rmc2001 · 22/06/2024 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maybe ask the sex workers whether they consider it rape before you jump to conclusions.

Meetingofminds · 22/06/2024 07:31

The Instagram content shows that side of him is still there. I would end my marriage just based on that alone. I would struggle to trust someone like this, and the fact he didn’t tell you before the wedding and baby ( thereby giving you the choice whether to stay) is a dealbreaker - he manipulated and lied to you by omission.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 22/06/2024 07:34

Lms68105 · 21/06/2024 20:21

Except he hasn't done any of that. Having sex with prostitutes isn't that different to have ONS - hardly a crime of century

Show quote history

It's only the same if the only thing you're concerned about is the number of people they slept with.

It's wildly different if you consider the underlying attitude that man must have had towards women, and if you believe that buying consent is badly moral wrong, let alone the trafficking, danger and abuse issues.