He dropped a bombshell

[lancsy]

Hi ladies, I’m sure this topic has come up a lot but here goes. Been with husband 2 years and we have a 7 month old. Got married recently and the day after husband confessed to me to using prostitutes in the past (5 times). First 3 times when he was in his mid 20s at a strip club in Eastern Europe, a brothel in the UK and he hired an escort to his house. Second 2 he was in his mid 30s in Amsterdam and Aus when it’s legal. He’s mid 40s now. He says he feels shame about it but the conversations around trafficking weren’t there 20 years ago. I’ve no reason to believe there are any more and he’s not using them now. His Instagram is however filled with young semi naked girls 🤦‍♀️ Thoughts? I don’t want to break our family up over this but I’m really struggling!

I think it’s in the past and he was honest. His Instagram would concern me. I would be asking questions around that. I think many men have probably done what your dh has done. But it’s whether you can trust him.

It’s because he’s a bloke 💩

He wasn’t honest though. He had every opportunity to tell you the truth before.

This exactly.
@lancsy WHY, if it really was in his ''past'' does he need to 'fess up now with all the nonsense about not being aware about trafficking... women realise how awful it is to be a sex worker- and many are coerced into it.

We don't need 'educating', we ''know'' on a visceral level how wrong and exploitative it is.

Would your husband feel the same if he was to be a male prostitute/rent boy for strange men?

It sounds more like an ongoing 'addiction' to using sex workers and someone is threatening to blow the whistle.

He has been a bit naughty (disgusting) in the past though I personally find his current behaviour sleazy.

I only know one fella in my social circle (we like to have certain standards) who has used a prostitute and I am afraid the stigma sticks even after all these years.
Deleting his account doesn't change what is in his mind and you have just had a look inside.

What is he getting therapy for exactly? Because whilst I'm VERY in favour of therapy, I'm not really sure why you see it as a step in the right direction in the case of the man who has slept with prostitutes and lies by omission about it, one who to this day follows the sexy ladies online. It all seems to be painting a very clear picture of who he fundamentally is, and I think it would be naive of you to think that therapy could change this about him. It may change his behaviour, but not his underlying belief that women are there to be costumed consumed by him.

Wrong thread! Start your own, Probably under ''Fertility''. {I had to google what these injections were for}.

Go via a registered medical practitioner not from some randoms selling dodgy drugs online!
{Edit...Pharmacist friend says there are many fake drugs out there}

Yeah I'm certain none of my male friends have used prostitutes ever, and I'm also certain most of them don't ogle still naked women on Instagram. They're not your classic lads though. I'm sure some watch porn occasionally, my DH doesn't though.

Has your DH had functional long term relationships before you? Why did they break up?

That really is a bombshell OP …of the worst kind. I’m sorry.

I would advise you to do a whole lot more talking to find out if your marriage has truly been lost. Talking to him and also to friends you can trust who also know him well.
Maybe counselling too.

You say he feels shame, and that at least, is a positive starting point.
There could have been elements of lad culture, ignorance, unthinking and carelessness that led him to pay for sex. Not easily excusable of course. Maybe he really hadn’t heard or was too busy to listen to the emerging evidence and debate around trafficking and lack of consent when he was a much younger man 20 years ago. His own upbringing may have lacked talk about such topics as prostitution and women’s rights and consent.

You know how serious his conduct was by your own standards. But what were his standards. What was he thinking at the time ?
Only you know if there is any element of desire in him wanting to misuse/rape younger women and girls without consent.
Only you know if this a deep and consistent flaw in his character or if he is wanting to/able to put time and work into reforming and growing.
Only you know if you have enough forgiveness in you to get past this together….or indeed if you even want to get past it.

You can’t take the ills of the world on your own shoulders OP. Don’t take on his shame. You have to be able to keep and develop your set of morals and not be weakened by his past behaviours. But maybe your marriage is still worth fighting for if he is also willing to fight for it.

Good luck OP.

Yep.

@lancsy Our Family GP years ago was prosecuted for using sex workers. {Young women}
It was pre net, but the daft man was a senior GP and had a lovely wife and children.
He was found to be a ''doctor'' by one of the sex workers he used.. He used to leap up off the couch when his pager buzzed.

The young women began to blackmail him for Dipipanone {a drug} - one died and boom...it all came out.

He spent time in prison.

Daft man.

It seemed to be an ''addiction'' to risk and to ''being seedy''...so far from his very middle class respectable life.

Sorry new to this first go at it didnt realise i had joined on the wrong topic. Apologies x
As for the subject in hand a lot of men are v used to affirmation and get this a lot of the time from their mums (my personal exp) they are told they are never wrong. Or were only enjoying themselves. I suppose it is good he has told you. But its whether you yourself can get past this - you don't have to! Its personal and everyone is different. Some will say in past before me. Thats fair enough others will say treatment of women/cant get it out of his mind/I look.at him differently.
The insta thing is a bit odd like he's pitching himself in younger bracket.
I think you need to look after you and the little one. He is secondary. Let him work to come back if thats what you want. Prove himself. Let him stay with mummy bear - was that meant to make you say oh actually its ok?
Look your best look after your health and wellbeing. Speak to him on all matters re little one. But he needs to reassure you that he wants you and hes not up to all.sorts
Either way you will be ok xxx

@TenaciousGoat It's not an easy site to navigate.
I hope you get the meds you need.. {Safe ones!} Local pharmacy says drug shortages are common - probably Brexit &c as many meds come from Europe.

Good luck. 👍

Exactly.

I also couldn’t past the fact that he’s good you the day after their wedding. He’s very clearly waited until you were ‘trapped’ by marriage and a young baby, and is banking on the fact that it will feel very hard now for you to leave the relationship.

I would be furious at being tricked into marriage and starting a family together without having this knowledge.

And there is if it’s the same gender?

It’s OK to feel conflicted about sex workers.

I dated someone who admitted to using/being a customer of sex workers in the past.

He was honest about why he used them ie not getting enough sex and he didn’t want to have a relationship.

I was deeply conflicted I didn’t want to shame him, but also he did describe it as “using” which put me off a bit.

The insta thing though is more of a concern.

My BIL slept with a prostitute on my DH stag do, I’m pretty sure his wife doesn’t know (it’s when he was single). It’s in the past, not pleasant to think about but I’m never telling her. It did taint my view of BIL

I would be upset if it was my DH, it’s a tough one as it’s in the past. Not sure how I would feel

What is honest about saying it a day after marriage?

He should’ve been honest with you before you married telling you afterwards takes the burden off his chest but puts it onto you!

Who wants to be with a man like this? Someone who thinks its ok to purchase a person to gratify them sexually.

He sounds very immature for a man in his mid 40’s , following young women on instagram and running off to his mums.

I think cutting your losses will be the best thing to do here.

Absolutely this.
He has shown what he thinks women are for. Disastrous if you have a DD, even worse if your baby is a son.

Leaving aside the issue of him using prostitutes I'd be more concerned why he told you now. Theres presumably v little chance you d ever find out about it and telling you was always going to cause a problem. I'd be concerned that there's a lot more and he's drip feeding you bits of info that he ll be able to convince you to stay after hearing and you will feed yourself a couple of years down the line having accepted a man/situation you never would have dreamed of.
That may sound like I'm catastrophising, but it just make no sense why he has told you, and his reaction to Amsterdam is very odd even before you were asking about the stag. If it were a case of him wanting to be honest he would have told you before the wedding

He shouldn't have unburdened his guilt on to you. But you will need to get past this. If you can't your marriage is doomed.

I think you are right to take space.
He sounds like a deeply manipulative creep.
I feel very sorry for you and the complete loss of trust you must feel.

Do not stay with him for the baby.
He definitely deliberately withheld that information.
There is something so desperately Icky about men who pay to use a Women's body.
I certainly couldn't ever look at him with respect again.
Mind yourself and don't rush into any decision about taking him back.

+1 ugh