He dropped a bombshell

[lancsy]

Hi ladies, I’m sure this topic has come up a lot but here goes. Been with husband 2 years and we have a 7 month old. Got married recently and the day after husband confessed to me to using prostitutes in the past (5 times). First 3 times when he was in his mid 20s at a strip club in Eastern Europe, a brothel in the UK and he hired an escort to his house. Second 2 he was in his mid 30s in Amsterdam and Aus when it’s legal. He’s mid 40s now. He says he feels shame about it but the conversations around trafficking weren’t there 20 years ago. I’ve no reason to believe there are any more and he’s not using them now. His Instagram is however filled with young semi naked girls 🤦‍♀️ Thoughts? I don’t want to break our family up over this but I’m really struggling!

He’s also told his mum everything as he’s gone to stay with her. I’m not sure what to make of that

If you've been together two years and have a 7 month baby, it sounds like you weren't together very long before you became pregnant. How well do you really know this man?

How young are the girls he’s following? Do you mean he’s a paedophile?

No not that young. Adult

Conversations about human trafficking and women and children sold into slavery certainly did happen 20 years ago, so that excuse doesn't wash. But a more presssing concern for me would be that his instagram is full of young, semi-naked girls. Doesn't say much about his level of respect for women, does it? I would be having a chat with him about that.

It sounds like you didn’t know each other at all before getting married…

If his mum minimises this then beware. It isn’t ok to sleep with prostitutes so don’t let them normalise it.

He's bought and used a woman's body for his sexual gratification. You can not buy consent.

It's disgusting behaviour. He's been treating women like a disposable commodity to be discarded once he's had his fill. It's also extremely risky behaviour, potentially allowing himself to contract a potential std.

Having sex with prostitutes isn't that different to have ONS

It is. ONS are no issue to me at all. Everyone is consenting fully and enthusiastically, everyone is getting something sexually, everyone is free to say yes or no at all times.

I agree with the latter here. I mean, if you're a horny single man, then have a wank already or go out and find a ONS. Deciding to just go and rent a woman for half an hour is lazy and shows a certain character.

I would calmly ask him to explan exactly why he has the photos of semi naked young women on his Instagram. And I wouldn’t accept any lame excuses.

The use of prostitution would be a deal breaker for me but I would insist he explains his social media.

But the women likely agreed to do it - so what exactly is the issue?

@Lms68105 how many sex workers do you know?

Because I have worked with, been friends with, lived with, supported and been around sex workers for 30 years. In all forms from print BDSM, through street sex work, to someone who owned her own dungeon. If I removed all the women (and men) who were abused, coerced, addicted, pimped, trafficked traumatised, and otherwise not free to fully consent, there might be two (being generous). One of who owned the dungeon and didn't actually have sex, although the services provided were sexual.

How on earth is that a choice or consent in any way. And that's in western democracies. Anywhere else is likely to be worse.

I have known more sex workers who died of their addictions and trauma than ones who chose it freely.

This would give me serious ICK. I'd have approached a solicitor straight away to see if an annulment would be applicable. If not, you need to wait until you've been married a year before you can file for divorce.

You've had a baby with him incredibly quickly, not giving each other time to get to know each other properly. That said, he's been incredibly deceitful by only disclosing this to you AFTER you've married. This is what would be the deal breaker for me here. He is not nice.

Perhaps she isn't thrilled to find herself married to someone who regards women's bodies and consent as a commodity? Just a guess. Some people have values around these things.

OP I couldn't get past this, personally. I couldn't respect him and the sight of him would disgust me. Only you know whether this is a dealbreaker for you or not - but don't be trapped by sunk cost fallacy. You didn't have all the information when you made your commitment to him, and that was his choice.

It’s heartbreaking. I feel as though I was denied the right to make an informed choice.

Really surprised at the comments saying they are more worried about the Instagram photos than using prostitutes, surely the photos are less concerning than doing something IRL, risk getting an STD?

So sorry love, that is awful.

He knew he was keeping this from you, and he let you commit yourself and become a parent not knowing. He doesn't respect you and your autonomy, because he doesn't respect women or see them as equal to him.

That's because you were denied the right to make an informed choice.

This is exactly how I would see it, had this been me. This is why it would be a deal breaker for me. Get out now before you find out even more disgusting things about him.

Got married recently and the day after husband confessed to me to using prostitutes in the past (5 times).

I question why a rational human being deliberately waits until after the marriage to tell you he has used prostitutes. What would be the point. Unless he was on glue when he came out with that one.

Apparently she believes he’s not a bad person but is disappointed he hurt me

Looks like he's on to pastures new and is hoping you'll be too stunned by his revaluations to seek legal advice.

Get thee to a solicitor PDQ. He can't be trusted. And get thy mitts on his financials.

So I know this goes against the general Mumsnet opinion but, it’s not a big deal. He didn’t cheat on anyone, he didn’t rape anyone.
As for the Instagram thing, I personally wouldn’t care. But as he deleted the account after you voiced your displeasure he obviously respects your opinions and doesn’t want to upset you.
Also, as someone who’s worked as a sex worker myself. We aren’t all trafficked or drug addicts or in need of saving or any of the other stereotypes. A lot of us enjoy our work and actively choose to do it.

Ultimately despite our comments its only the OPs opinion that counts. I dont think the risk of anything untoward happening is there now so it depends if OP can get over this revelation or not.

Did you tell him about your body count before getting married?