He dropped a bombshell

[lancsy]

Hi ladies, I’m sure this topic has come up a lot but here goes. Been with husband 2 years and we have a 7 month old. Got married recently and the day after husband confessed to me to using prostitutes in the past (5 times). First 3 times when he was in his mid 20s at a strip club in Eastern Europe, a brothel in the UK and he hired an escort to his house. Second 2 he was in his mid 30s in Amsterdam and Aus when it’s legal. He’s mid 40s now. He says he feels shame about it but the conversations around trafficking weren’t there 20 years ago. I’ve no reason to believe there are any more and he’s not using them now. His Instagram is however filled with young semi naked girls 🤦‍♀️ Thoughts? I don’t want to break our family up over this but I’m really struggling!

Horrible expression.

Having a problem with prostitution isn't about amount of previous partners. It's not wanting to be with a man who treats women as objects to be bought.

I wouldn't want to be with a bloke who was happy to sleep with someone before thinking about their circumstances.

OP, he should have told you.... But if a deal breaker, maybe you should have asked?

You mention your husband is mid 40s but you have a 7 month old.

Do you mind sharing how old you are? You sound a fair bit younger which is not surprising since men like that usually don’t like women their own age.

Honestly, given he was single at the time I wouldn't be particularly perturbed. But the Instagram stuff would be a hard no from me.

I would be rethinking the relationship. Sleeping with sex workers isn’t ok for me, no matter the circumstances. Weird that he chose to tell you now but at least you know he’d rather buy a woman than bother trying to find one who’d have sex with him for free

The not telling you before marriage is thee main issue for me.

It also seems very 'haha you're stuck now so I can tell you' to tell you the day after your wedding too.

It's grim. I think I'd be offskies.

Did he go to his mum’s of his own volition? The timing is odd, I wonder whether he said it to give himself a reason to leave? I don’t mean that in a harsh way, as I could imagine you’re questioning everything about being with him anyway, but the timing is pretty strange and also that he effectively chose to tell you (you hadn’t found evidence). Has there been anything else about him recently that’s been out of character?

This.

I think I'd forgive him as it was a long time ago, but would be a lot more 'on the ball' around his going out/social media usage and less trusting for a while. I don't agree with his decisions at all but it was a long time ago and we've all made silly mistakes when we were younger/on girls holidays (it would still make me feel a bit yuck though and he would have some serious trust/respect to regain)

Yes, he took away your choice to decide whether you want to be with a man who has slept with prostitutes.
The fact that he told you this after marriage suggests that he was deliberately hiding this information and waited until you were married as there would be less of a risk of you leaving.
The Instagram photos of semi clad young women would give me the ick tbh.

I read a book called The Natashas when it came out in 2003. Those conversations were absolutely happening 20 years ago

The Natashas: Inside the New Global Sex Trade https://amzn.eu/d/0jgRZhbM

I recently got married. If my husband told me the next day he'd used prostitutes I'd be separating. Asking him to move out, have relationship therapy to see if relationship could be salvaged. Because not only is it a huge violation of trust not to tell you before, it is unbelievably shitty to spoil your newly wed glow with this sort of shit. Does he know it would likely upset you, and was waiting until you were married and it was "too late"? Because that is seriously manipulative

I think our opinion on prostitution doesn't matter here.

It's what OP thinks about it that matters. The fact he deliberately waited until after the wedding is the biggest red flag to me - he probably guessed she'd be upset and deliberately withheld that information until it was "too late".

This would be main reason I'd leave him - not so much for his behaviour in the past as the manipulative and secretive way he's behaved now. It's a worrying way to start your married life together.

Rapey misogynist. Using trafficked women is never okay. It's despicable and indicative that he thinks of women as objects, as his IG shows. Toss him right in the dumpster. Men like this will always bring women misery.

I could never be with a man that pays for sex.

I won't not trust him around children.

Exactly so.

This is utter bullshit. He has directly participated in trafficking on the demand side. Without a demand for the callous use of women's bodies there would be no trafficking. Not being in the supply side of it does not limit his culpability at all. Far from it.

Interesting post. If you discussed previous sexual encounters/relationships in the past and your DH wasn't honest with you, l would have an issue with the situation. However it sounds like you didn't and you have found out subsequently. Prostitution has been around for hundreds of years and it will be around for hundreds of years in the future.

There is another very interesting thread on here entitled I was an escort you can ask me anything. OP I think it would be helpful for you to read. A lot of women who work in the sex industry do so as a choice due to the fact they can make a lot of money they couldn't make otherwise, I don't think it is for anyone to judge them. Obviously it is different for women who are coerced or trafficked.

If the situation with paying for sex is in the past then I think that is where it should be left. In my view it is a mutually beneficial transaction between two people.

However the situation with the Instagram is different it is in the here and now and I would have an issue with it. Having said this I think all men view and use images of women, everything is so accessible these days online. Have I got any evidence my DH views or uses pornography absolutely not but I am not naive enough to think for one minute he doesn't.

There is no way of knowing if they agreed or were forced. That makes it completely unethical. The average age of people first entering the sex trade is 14. Does that sound like consent to you? If they didn't consent when they first started, every single time they do it, no matter their age, is nonconsensual.

Has he had an HIV test yet?

No bloke is 'going white' at the thought of going back to the same city where he used a prostitute a decade ago. Why would you even visit the red light district whilst there? And even if you did, what does he think is going to happen, someone hops out of a window to say 'hey John, nice to see you again, remember me from 10 years ago?'...

This is far far more recent than a decade ago. I think he went white at the thought of Amsterdam because when you discuss your trip away with friends/family of his, there's going to be some knowing looks, some off-colour jokes, some comment from someone that drops him in the shit.

So he's told you a partial truth, a common tactic.. make the little lady think you're being open and honest and up-front about things and she'll settle for that and not dig any further. A partial truth that gives him cover for when someone drops him in it.

It is incredibly rare that blokes use a prostitute as a one off. It becomes a fucking hobby (pun intended) for them, something totally different to sex within a relationship.

5 times is the tip of the fucking iceberg. I'd have a look at his card statements/bank account if I were you.

Interesting post. If you discussed previous sexual encounters/relationships in the past and your DH wasn't honest with you, l would have an issue with the situation. However it sounds like you didn't and you have found out subsequently. Prostitution has been around for hundreds of years and it will be around for hundreds of years in the future.

Men marrying girls, rape in war, slavery, murder and lots of other things have been a feature of the world forever. It doesn't mean we just shrug and ignore it.

There is another very interesting thread on here entitled I was an escort you can ask me anything. OP I think it would be helpful for you to read. A lot of women who work in the sex industry do so as a choice due to the fact they can make a lot of money they couldn't make otherwise, I don't think it is for anyone to judge them. Obviously it is different for women who are coerced or trafficked.

We don't judge the women, we judge the punters. A lot of women might be doing it for shits and giggles (although I don't think it's that many who aren't coming into it after or during abuse) but there are lots of trafficked, addicted and pimped women. How high does the chance have to be?

If the situation with paying for sex is in the past then I think that is where it should be left. In my view it is a mutually beneficial transaction between two people.

It's not. Only one of the two has an increased chance of PTSD. There is no way to make sex work safe/

However the situation with the Instagram is different it is in the here and now and I would have an issue with it. Having said this I think all men view and use images of women, everything is so accessible these days online. Have I got any evidence my DH views or uses pornography absolutely not but I am not naive enough to think for one minute he doesn't.

I find it really odd to have more of an issue with online pictures on instagram, rather than him using women he has no idea how much of a lack of consent he's abusing.

I’m very sorry, @lancsy—
People are being very unkind.
Please listen to the people who are being rational and come to your own conclusion.
I honestly don’t know what I’d do, but I think I’d definitely have a further conversation with your husband and give him the opportunity to make sense (or not) of all the misgivings you have — he’s the only person who can.
Congratulations on your baby. ❤️

Oh you poor thing, OP.

I can’t believe how many people on here excuse using prostitutes as just being something that happened in the past. He knew it’d give you the ick hence why he didn’t tell you until you were pretty much trapped.

It doesn’t matter if someone is young or old or lonely or whatever, no excuses, any man who EVER spends money to spend time in a woman’s vagina is gross.

That act alone tells you what that man thinks of women. We’re merely just a hole for their cum. And don’t be fooled, these men don’t change. The ones who are happily married to wives who know their past are usually married to the wives who downplay this disgusting behaviour as “past is the past” or “he had needs, he was lonely”, or “he’s a red blooded male, it’s okay for him to look”… you can recognise some of them on this thread for instance. All good if they like having their bar low enough that even a flea couldn’t limbo underneath it, but some of us have a higher standard. I don’t enable to accept certain behaviours.

You…cannot….purchase…..consent.

I hand on heart would rather be with a man who slept safely with 100 willing women in one night than a man who paid to cum inside another woman whereby he had to purchase the consent.

And as for his instagram behaviour, again just gross. How humiliating for you.

I am so sorry he’s put you in this position. He knew what he was doing, which again is abhorrent on his behalf. But ultimately it is how you feel, OP. I know it would put me off him for life, but how do you feel?

“Girl?” 🙄 your are clearly male