Female friend?

[Imnotsu]

I'm not quite sure I'm about to make sense but I'll do my best.

My partner has a female friend, met after we did. We've been together 5 years, 2 dc and she came along in year 3.

My dp sees her more than anyone else of his friends and invites her places or goes to see her etc. I've questioned this and he always says she's going through a hard time and needs support and that's why he's so attentive. To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?

I've probably left buts out but I'll try and flesh anything out if I have

Wow! You must think a lot of yourself.

And it’s almost unanimous that this level of emotional intensity and secrecy (refusing to tell you the nature of her “crisis”) is not “normal” friendship and is more on the level of emotional affair.

So your choices are either accept it (ie turn a blind eye) or confront it. There are various ways to confront it - ask him to stop seeing her/seeing her so much, ask him to show you their messages, ask him to include you in their “friendship”, insist he tells you the nature of her crisis etc. If you choose this route you have to think about what you would do if he (as seems likely) refuses whatever you request. And be prepared to follow through. This is what pp’s mean by giving him an ultimatum. If you would back down and do nothing, then just accept it and stop asking. Those are really the only available courses of action.

Constant contact for 3 years?? Daily talking and frequent 1:1 outings?

@Imnotsu, in my view, they are absolutely more than friends. Your Partner is using the ‘she’s having a hard time’ line [Script] to keep you in your lane while he invests in his infidelity in plain sight.

Even if there was a rescuer dynamic in the beginning, after 3 years their connection would now be deeply intimate and multifaceted, providing mutual validation and gratification. She has not been in a crisis all this time. He is lying.

I don’t ever want to control what he does and don’t want him to do things because I say so, I want him to want to.

But you have a right to state your boundaries/feelings and assert what you won’t tolerate in your relationship. P devalues your discomfort and is conning you to protect their relationship. I wouldn’t tolerate my H opening a window to another woman and continuously channeling his emotional resources to build intimacy for years. [See Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.] It would be game over for me.

@Imnotsu, you’re at a stalemate. P’s behavior heretofore is not a dealbreaker for you, but you are frustrated with it. He can’t stay away from her and his claims are absurd. He is gaslighting you. If you want information and clarity, I would investigate his phone to get the lay of the land. Knowledge is power.

In answer to your question, no, that level of contact is not normal.
they speak on the phone every day and you don’t seem to know how many times times a month they actually do meet up.
I can say that no man I’ve ever been with has spoken to any mate on the phone every day!
And he knows it’s starting to bother you and his response is basically she’s having a hard time, shut up.
if it was totally innocent, I’m sorry op but he’d be firstly shocked that you were getting concerned and then he’d be reassuring you. Either showing you their messages or how long the calls are, or speaking to her in front of you when they chat. To show you and reassure you it’s all above board, because that’s what a decent partner would do.

if her hard time of 3 years is still going on to the extent she needs to talk about it every single day with someone else’s husband, perhaps you could kindly suggest she seek counciling.
but I think there is no ‘hard time’ that requires daily chats. It sounds more like a full blown emotional affair. One that is hiding in plain sight. And he’s got it pretty good hasn’t he? If you question it he shuts you down and shuts you up to the point you think you’d look mental to outright accuse him of anything or even ask for reassurance!. I cannot imagine many women at all being happy about this situation.

i mean break it down.
new female friend comes along
he is her immediate confident over a ‘hard time’ (she had no other long term friends? So immediately confides in a total stranger - ok then)
they chat in secret and meet up without you
she is kept separate from your life together
you are not allowed to question it or know what this hard time is that requires daily (secret) chats
he shuts you down when you do question it

No man I’ve ever met has daily chats with a friend! And none have had an issue chatting with any friend in front of me/or their partner.

at best it’s unhealthy, at worst he is having an affair in plain sight.

sorry but I think it’s not innocent. In your shoes I’d be demanding to see their messages, be there when he calls her etc.
he should be reassuring you, not causing you to worry! It’s not about being controlling or whatever else gets trotted out when someone partner is doing something that’s causing concern. It’s about no decent bloke would intentionally cause and continue to cause their partner worry over something innocent that could be cleared up in a matter of minutes.

End of the day, he is more concerned for her feelings than yours basically. And that’s if it’s innocent!

If I was the OP and the partner of the man with the female friend, I would be incredibly uncomfortable that he was not toning down this relationship if I had expressed multiple times to him that I was uneasy about the closeness of this other relationship. He should be putting you, his partner and the mother of his children, before his friend.

If I was the "other woman" - well it's difficult for me to put myself in her shoes because there is no way that I would be unloading about my unhappy life to an attached man with two small children for three whole years. Now, I have on the odd very rare occasion cried on the shoulder, metaphorically speaking, of a male friend. They were helpful but there is no way that I would be inserting myself into the life of a man that has a partner and responsibilities for years on end, especially if she was already on the scene, and there is no way that these men would have let me do that. To be honest when I was single, I wouldn't have chosen a female friend with small children as a confidante either because I would have thought she was busy with her partner and children.

I do suspect that the OP might be the "other woman" based on how defensive she has been. Now I accept that there are problems that are long-standing and for which there is no ready solution eg parents with dementia, being a carrier of a troublesome gene and so on. If you are the other woman, you should get out of this man's life and find other confidantes and/or fix your problems to the extent that they are fixable. You say that she is not attention seeking but this behaviour is the epitome of attention seeking.

And for what it's worth, these men are never helping middle aged Ellen or Dave or whoever. Somehow it is always young women. Funny that.

My DH has always got on better with women than with men. His best friend is a woman, and not entirely my cup of tea. She is pure chaos and always has issues of some kind that she shares with my DH, and you know what? He tells me all about it. He understands that I’m his partner, he knows it’s not going anywhere and I’m not going to discuss it with her, but he tells me what’s going on because then I get it if he feels like he needs to have a long chat with her or something.

Have I been jealous in the past? Yep. But he has proven to me beyond any doubt that I am his priority no matter what, and because of that their friendship doesn’t bother me at all now. If anything I look forward to the updates about what on earth she’s got herself into this time!

Wow! You must be bitter 🙄

Nonsense. I’m in my 50’s and got a very long standing mixed friendship group - male, female, single, attached, married - that’s lasted over 20 years without any sort of sexual flirtations getting in the way..

I chat regularly to my male friends and we meet for lunch etc outside of the group and it’s absolutely nothing more than good friends.

Anyone who doesn’t think men and women can have brilliant platonic friendships obviously hasn’t met the right friends as it’s completely normal for many people.

I'm going to ask very kindly if posters could please leave this thread to die... Thank you to all the nice posters who replied trying to help... I already stressed how much it was upsetting me and waking up to 30 notifications and posts was extremely overwhelming and not helpful to my mental health

Please... Thank you

i would go fucking insane.

tell him to pack it in and spend that energy on you or you’re leaving and see what he does.

make him pick between you both…

men aren’t attentive to women they don’t want something from i’m afraid.

I don’t mean to make you feel more worried but I don’t think she is fine. I don’t think most single women would think it was normal to spend a lot of time alone with a man that’s in a relationship and has children purely as friends. This would be different if they’ve been friends since before the relationship and are both in similar situations family lives wise eg Uni or work friends.

Ive known of a couple of similar incidents and they have both gone on to be revealed as affairs.

Please

I’ve reported it so mn takes it down for you.

Hi @Imnotsu, we're sorry to hear you've been upset. We're going to close your thread now, but let us know if you'd rather it was deleted.