Female friend?

[Imnotsu]

I'm not quite sure I'm about to make sense but I'll do my best.

My partner has a female friend, met after we did. We've been together 5 years, 2 dc and she came along in year 3.

My dp sees her more than anyone else of his friends and invites her places or goes to see her etc. I've questioned this and he always says she's going through a hard time and needs support and that's why he's so attentive. To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?

I've probably left buts out but I'll try and flesh anything out if I have

I have to be honest, I'd feel a bit miffed if he met her after we got together, wouldn't bother me if she was a long standing friend. I can't really articulate why though

What's the specific problem? You don't like this friend? You think they're more than friends? You think its inappropriate?

What exactly is your issue? Are you saying he sees this particular friend so often it means you see less of him than you’d like?

Sorry, I'm suspicious it's more than friends because of how differently he treats her to other friends. He barely sees them

And when I've questioned it, it's she's going through a hard time etc

Not good imo

If you don't like it you don't like it. You have the choice to either put up with it or give ultimatum. It's not unfair you need to protect your own sanity here

I think you are right to be upset about this.
It sounds as though he is treating her as a girlfriend more than a friend.
Giving her emotional support? You are supposed to be his primary relationship but he is putting her emotional needs and welfare above yours.
If you have voiced your concerns and he is unwilling to modify his behaviour and continues to prioritise her over you then I think you should reconsider your relationship.

So he’s a white knight saviour type and likes being the one to rescue damsels in distress. Sounds like a recipe for at least an emotional affair tbh. If it was a shared hobby or interest that you two didn’t have then I’d be more understanding but if the person you lean on when you’re having a rough time is someone else’s husband then you need to go and make some new friends in my opinion. I can’t imagine getting on with any married guy well enough that he’d be my go-to when I was having a hard time. Obviously if you’ve been friends forever you’d want to keep in touch, but a new friend of a couple of years, nah, I wouldn’t be happy about it. Especially if he’s spending time as well as emotional energy on supporting her. Of course we all need friends as well as a primary relationship but the dynamics seem off with this one.

We aren't married.

I don't even think it's true, the going through a hard time (for 3 years?), I think it's what he says to me if that makes sense

I’d also suggest the timing is a bit shit when you’re in the trenches of early child rearing and probably don’t have time and energy to give him your undivided attention. Does he pull his weight at home? Do you get couple time without the kids? Does his friend have kids?

Typically, men in this country are bad at friendship. Bad at seeing friends, much more likely to die friendless, or rely on women in their life to organise things. Him not seeing his other friends isn't necessarily a red flag, though I see why you might be concerned.

Honestly people in the thread are going to bring their own baggage. People in my life have friends of both genders and they're not having affairs left and right. But plenty of people are more segregated and see any dealing with the other sex as suspicious. Ultimately it comes down to whether you trust him or not.

Yes he does more than me at home and just over half the childcare. No she doesn't, she's single and at first he mentioned her a lot and then he made her meet me as I kept asking and I've remained piques and troughs suspicious

Said it before and I'll say it again, men and women can never truly be 'just friends'. Usually the man has feelings for the woman or fancies them and would rather be 'just' their friend than nothing at all.

I would be very suspicious of this situation OP

How often do they get together on average would you say?

Of course people are allowed to have friends of both sexes. But a straight man whose 'best friend' is a woman he's in a relatively new friendship with, who he seems to want to spend all his spare time with providing emotional massage for her litany of tough times, in a way that he doesn't to any other friends? That is weird and I think the majority of people would be uncomfortable with their partner behaving in such a way.

I can really understand why you have your concerns about this friendship.

What works for my husband and myself - we both do have good friends of the other gender, both from before our relationship and some that have developed after and believe that this should be possible - is that we include our partners in these friendships very early on.
We both made some friends at work and started off by inviting them over for a drink or for dinner at our house, with our spouse present. We also always put our spouses feelings and intuition about these friends first. If my husband has a new friend and I don't trust her intentions, then he will limit the contact or respect my feelings by only seeing her in group settings or when I'm also present. And that's what it's all about, isn't it? He makes me feel respected, makes me feel like my opinion matters, even when I can't back it up with hard evidence.
And even if the friendship leads to activities out of the house, then the spouse is always automatically invited. So there is no secrecy, nothing ambiguous.
The only reason why we're both so okay with these friends of the other gender, is because we have these rules in place and they work really well for us. I wouldn't feel comfortable being in your situation either.

Sorry I've really not been clear. My main question was even if she's really going through a hard time, he can still say no if she 'demands' anything or he feels bad to say no.... He's not saying no because he doesn't want to, isn't he?

I think everyone has already identified what is worrying about this friendship. I have male friends, and occasionally we talk about things in our lives/emotional issues, but I don't depend on them for support frequently, indeed, I don't depend on my female friends to support me endlessly either! It does seem this is a substitute girlfriend type closeness and not what I would call a healthy friendship. That's his choice, and he chooses to maintain that, knowing that's difficult for you. I wouldn't be impressed with this and I say that having a husband who has female friends, but they are just one out of many friends, and he's not in daily or even weekly touch with them endlessly supporting them, as who has time for that if you are supporting and emotionally providing for your partner and children?

That's the thing, as I said above, I don't know if it's true about the emotionally supporting as he's said it for nearly all 3 years

Whenever he feels like a 'hard' time by the sound of it 😱

Honestly, OP, it's probably bollocks. Even if she is going through a perpetually tough time, it's not your boyfriend's job to provide round-the-clock support for her (in the same way that it wouldn't be if she were your friend). I know anecdotes aren't data, but in my experience, these situations are a particularly unpleasant combination of childish attention seeker with limited awareness of boundaries (her), and self-centred wannabe white knight with designs on getting his leg over (him). And if you object to any of this, you'll be cast as the joyless harridan who doesn't want a poor troubled girl to have any support, this pushing him further to her because nobody understaaaaaands each other like they do.

?

In plain English, it sounds like there's something going on between them. Literally.

I mean, I haven't got anything against her that I'm aware of. She seemed perfectly nice, normal and no sight of attention seeking.

It's him that's my concern.