Female friend?

[Imnotsu]

I'm not quite sure I'm about to make sense but I'll do my best.

My partner has a female friend, met after we did. We've been together 5 years, 2 dc and she came along in year 3.

My dp sees her more than anyone else of his friends and invites her places or goes to see her etc. I've questioned this and he always says she's going through a hard time and needs support and that's why he's so attentive. To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?

I've probably left buts out but I'll try and flesh anything out if I have

Your right OP he might be the best partner in the world but you asked if it's normal to talk to his female friend daily and you NEVER know what they talk about so as just about everyone has said no its not normal it's called an emotional affair. But you only seem to latch onto the odd individual who says its ok for your husband to WANT to do this. Good luck with him he's a real prize. Please for your own and families sake stop sleep walking into this "abnormal " relationship it will only end in tears. Who really wants to be with a man who is emotional tied to another woman friend or not.

Hes getting his dick wet.

When my closest friend’s 12 year old almost dying of something no one could diagnose, so he was in an acute unit for months just after they’d moved countries, coincided with her younger son’s autism being diagnosed and her lifelong anorexia causing her to be hospitalised as her organs were failing, yeah it might have been three years and change.

I asked if something was normal for a friendship and it's spiraled from there.

And you’ve been told overwhelmingly that no it’s absolutely not normal but you get defensive and make excuses for him so what exactly do you want from this thread?

A crisis that lasts for three years? Come off it.

Either you trust him or you don't. In my view it's ok to have female friends. As you said, you can't tell him who to hang around with, and if you trust him then leave him to it. He's probably saying she's having a hard time to make you feel better because he can see you're uneasy when in reality, yes, he just wants to spend time with her. Is that a problem for you?

Exactly this. ^ Very odd thread, and very odd attitude from the OP!

They will be closer than his other friends.. everyone has issues in life but is he being attentive to you? Probably not. You’ve the ones in the relationship not them. You need to have a conversation with him but maybe not put it as bluntly as me.

Oh and tell him to tell her to get a counseller. Your husband is acting as her unpaid counseller.

I always find a MARRIED man having a super close very friendly relationship with a female friend really weird. Messaging each other, and meeting up together, and sharing secrets, and personal intimate information. He is basically having the relationship with her that he should have with his wife. How the fuck does he think his wife feels? Doesn't he give a shit about how she is feeling about him - and his little female best friend?

I never see married WOMEN being all close and super friendly and sharing intimate secrets and messaging every 5 minutes, and meeting together with another man.

Why is it always men who do it with (usually single) women?

It's made worse by the apologists saying 'married men ARE allowed close friends of the opposite sex ya know!' Got to be men saying this. OR single women. Not married women for sure!

Yes do that

I think only children of the opposite sex can be proper friends

Emotional infidelity texting is a form of cheating that occurs when you engage in intimate conversations sharing intimate details with someone other than your partner. It's important to note that this kind of inappropriate texting doesn't have to be sexually explicit.

I'm sorry but this is batshit advice. This definition makes almost all friendships emotional cheating. I engage in intimate conversations sharing intimate details with my best friends, with my baby yoga mum support system, with strangers on MN....... Obviously cheating requires more than this. Perhaps not sex, but the conversation and relationship needs to be romantic or sexual in some way. Otherwise that's just a friendship.

OP it sounds like the problem is that you think he spends too much time with his friend. I agree daily texting is too much. Maybe approach from that angle?

This is a bit of a bugbear of mine. I think men and women can be friends, even if one of them fancies the other.

Why?

Oh that old chestnut "She needs my support! She's going through a bad time", it's THE text book excuse when defending an extra marital relationship.

At the least it's an emotional affair and he's spending time on her because he absolutely wants to regardless of what problems she may or may not have.

Whether you choose to tolerate it or not OP is up to you but I don't think many wives would. I would be discussing boundaries with him.

OP "I dont like how my DP is behaving"

MN "OK so maybe..."

OP "NO!! I wont do that!"

So what exactly do you want to hear?

You feel that he is putting his friendship with this woman ahead of your partnership. So either you deal with it head on, or your dont, in which case suck it up or walk away.

I don't think it's normal for a friendship that developed after he met you and in the midst of having children. I don't think its normal that he always says its because shes going through something but never tells you what it is. However, he likes her enough to message her everyday and meet up with her regularly. He likes her enough to lie to you about why he is going to see her so often. If you don't want to rock the boat then you need to ignore it and treat it as you would another best friend of his. Just don't keep bringing it up with him if you don't have a problem with it. There's no point and he will get fed up with it.

This woman has had a secret three year crisis Ops partner won't share though.

In plain sight.

Demand more time with your partner.
Demand more child care for your children from him too.
Be more needy and do more together.
See how he reacts to that.

It is very odd that he allows another woman to influence his free time so much.

It is an emotional affair and I would not stand for it.

Hi OP,

Sorry you are going through this.

Kids aside, does he spend as much alone time with you as he does with her?

You say you have met her previously - under what circumstances have you met her?

Could you turn this on its head and arrange to meet her with him? Invite her over / go to hers? If it is no problem then he should be fine to have your additional support for her at this "hard time". His reaction to your suggestion will tell you alot.

Old friendships pre you both meeting -OK but new and involved female friendship since you met does not sit right.

Sounds like your DH has an unrequited crush - risk that it could turn into something.

I wondered whether you should get involved as well. Maybe ask dh what steps she’s taking to make herself well. Suggest you go over and talk to her and help her out - girls talk one to one.
(and he can look after children). Ask what they are discussing and if they do need to talk daily, suggest getting professional help - dr, counsellor etc, as clearly she needs it. Ie. Be a pain.

This woman is having an emotional affair with your dh in plain sight, and because 'nothing has happened' dh thinks its platonic.

I think You're being very VERY naive, I'm sorry to say.

You don't have evidence? What more do you actually need.

I think you are foolish to think they are just friends, and that she's been going through a hard time for 3 years haha and he won't explain to you what it is that she's having a hard time with. Of course he won't because he can't 😀

I truly believe that all this men and women can be just friends nonsense, is exactly that that, just nope.

He's in a relationship with you. Why is he comforting and supporting another woman, in any way whatsoever. I absolutely would not tolerate this.

Your reaction to people you've asked for opinions from, giving those opinions, is bizarre. This is a reverse - I reckon you're the female friend, in this scenario.

The following part of your op,

'To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?'

Followed by this response to a poster, is telling: 'I didn't ask anyone if they thought he was having an affair at all. I asked if something was normal for a friendship and it's spiraled from there.'

You're asking something, and for some reason. It's not quite clear from what you're posting, but it's giving some hints.

If, as the partner of this man, you are singing his praises in all other ways, & shutting down opinions it could be signs of an affair, then why are you asking if his behaviour is normal? What exactly is the problem, if you don't think it's a possible affair (whether physical or emotional) scenario?

I've never said 'reverse' before. But it's screaming at me on this thread, with the defensiveness when your original post came across in such a manner that you did indeed, suspect something.

I reckon you're the 'female friend', and have become aware he's telling his partner the excuse of you've been going through a hard time for three years, and actually asking 'it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no' ie- he must really like me, mustn't he, because he could say 'no'.

I honestly can't fathom any other reason for your bizarre reactions to posters offering their opinions as you've asked. You either suspect somethings up, ie an affair or you don't, the latter case makes no sense for you to create a thread..

And yeah, you've been right snippy to a fair few on this thread.