Female friend?

[Imnotsu]

I'm not quite sure I'm about to make sense but I'll do my best.

My partner has a female friend, met after we did. We've been together 5 years, 2 dc and she came along in year 3.

My dp sees her more than anyone else of his friends and invites her places or goes to see her etc. I've questioned this and he always says she's going through a hard time and needs support and that's why he's so attentive. To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?

I've probably left buts out but I'll try and flesh anything out if I have

@Imnotsu I don't know why you are being so snippy!

Eg you haven't said he sees her once a week or once a month

They always meet at her house or they go to a pub or a fine dining restaurant

Those details / specifics make a heck of a difference. Rest assured though I'm leaving you to it. 🙄

I suppose it's irrelevant really and it's good that you aren't channelling anger towards her (I totally would be and I know that's not healthy).
I think you need to give your partner an ultimatum, you sound very level headed but he's disrespected you and that's not ok.

I actually agree with that. Been on the receiving end.

Do you think he'd spend as much time with her if she were old/fat/ugly?

Yes, exactly.
Almost every time someone posts on MN about their partner having a friendship with a woman in a similar scenario, the man claims she's having a "hard time" and he's seeing her to give "support". It seems unlikely that all these men who have wives or partners suddenly become keen on becoming unpaid counsellors.
Even if they're just enjoying her attention and gratitude, they should prioritise their partner and children.

Sorry if you didn't mean it that way, but the tone of yours read very demanding of personal details of my life quite salaciously, 'we need specifics' when I'd given all that matters. It doesnt matter if he sees her every day or every month as I've said it's different to how he treats everyone else is sufficient. A lot of posters seem to view threads as entertainment without remembering it's someone's real life behind them and they are comfortable sharing what they have shared.

If you aren't that kind of poster, fine, but that's why I said what I said.... I'm not sure how you got snippy from a sentence with a smiley face at the end though

Why have all of one posters comments been deleted? I only saw 2 and they weren't offensive?

These are quite important details though, OP. You haven’t provided that much useful info. You say he sees her more than his other friends. That could be once a week, multiple times a week or every couple of months.

Same. Unpopular opinion but I wouldn’t be having DP making a new woman friend. I’ve been burned before and I won’t put myself through a smidgen of doubt.

Also, sometimes the universe will just fuck around and make two people randomly fuck. Then they can’t believe it happened but it’s too late, and there’s nothing they can do to undo it.

I'm single with male friends, who have been a huge support during the hardest time of my life.

but

-I never, ever go out with the married ones on my own, always as part of a group.
-I don't have one special friend who's support I'm always calling on.
-I make a point of including their wives in any plans, they don't always come, but they're always invited.
-I'm very careful not to get into a but I need you/you're the only one who understands situaton with a married man, on either side.

It does sound suspicious. I wouldn't be happy about it.

Men can have female friends, but I think the problem is that he's spending most of his time consoling her and that means less time with you it's not even a old friend it's a new one so it would concern me too. (especially that you've noticed how he is with her compared to other friends)

You're not happy so you need to talk to him about this. If he continues to act like this I think that tells you everything.

I'm sure she has other people to talk to.

I've addressed both points earlier in the thread... I have spoken to him multiple times and I don't know if she's actually going through anything

I think that it probably comes down to trust. My husband has a female friend although he doesn't see her all the time, but they do message and he is very open about their messages (I could check them if I wanted but I trust him so don't see the need). Try asking yourself why you don't feel happy about this situation? Why is him seeing her an issue, why do you think he's exaggerating her need for emotional support. Is it simply deep down you can't trust his reasons for seeing her.

And I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who thought he or she had the right to police my friendships. I certainly wouldn’t have two children with someone this paranoid and suspicious.

Well You either put up with it or end it if you've told him multiple times I don't really know what else to advise.

I don't think approaching her will help depends on her nature and if she's innocent or not.

Oh god, I'd never approach her, that'd be mental lol as I said on here earlier, to her she could just have a really good friend and have no idea what he's saying to me. My issue wasn't about her at all... Just my dps probably voluntary, I was going to say inability to say no to get but that implies he wants to say no in the first place

I agree. I wouldn't be tolerating this @Imnotsu And tell him so.

Didn't say you would but I know many that have lol

Well I'm bit confused maybe it's the heat but I thought you were concerned that it was more than a friendship. I'm guessing now you don't. I don't know what he's said to you (maybe I've missed that)

I missed this comment gotcha

Sounds like he’s using the “going through a hard time” line when you question the friendship in order to justify it.

men and women can be just friends. My best friend is a guy. We’ve been friends for about 7 years but became best friends 2.5 years ago when I started going through a hard time…(which is still ongoing so these things can last a long time) we were both single at the time but guess what… we aren’t interested in eachother like that…. We love eachother very much as best friends do but it’s entirely platonic. He’s in a relationship now and thankfully she understands our friendship and doesn’t give him grief for the time he spends with me (as we work together this can sometimes be everyday).

I think you’re creating your own distrust because he feels forced to justify seeing her with “hard times” because you wouldn’t like him to just say he wanted to go and hang out

What kind of a 'hard time' is she going through, that she's needed his regular and continued support for the last three years? Has he ever elaborated and given you some kind of idea of what her problem is, or explained just how come only he is able to help her through it?

It would also be good to know if there is ever going to be an end in sight, or whether you are going to have to share him for a few more years yet.

I'd give him an ultimatum, by the way.

You'd give him an ultimatum over what could just be friendship with a house a dc?

My baggage here. I had an OH. Trusted him implicitly. Because I could meet male friends..usually in a group in the pub, never alone…and there was never anything going on. He would go off for dinner with ‘Vida’ or to spend a few hours with ‘Sandie’, who was an ex he’d wanted to marry, but I figured she was ex for a reason. Then I found the phone bill. Long story short, He’d met ‘Yvonne’ 5 years into our relationship, was hours , like midnight till 4 am , on the phone with her and meeting up regularly for sex. Turned out long term friend of the family Vida was being used as cover for earlier gfs found on numerous dating sites, as was ex Sandie. Then I knew why he always had the blue pills in his coat pocket …he’d had a brain tumour, and while everything worked normally, he was trying to go 3/4 times a day with different dates. Before I discovered all , He brought some of them to the house to meet me…she’s just a friend who needs help, support, advice….and I had to make coffee and play hostess. That’s triangulation. They were laughing at me. Your oh might be innocent but I’d worry at the intensity . He told them, I was an ex with nowhere else to go and he wouldn’t throw me out. Enormous house btw 6 bed, 3 +2 half bathrooms, numerous public rooms. He was giving them money, they gave him what he wanted but each thought they were The One.
I know this makes me biased. But your post about her needing support, going through a hard time throws up big red flags and trumpeting alarms. How long is she going to want this level of support? I believe you need to talk again…

I always believed it was ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but it seems to me yours, like mine is going above and beyond that