Female friend?

[Imnotsu]

I'm not quite sure I'm about to make sense but I'll do my best.

My partner has a female friend, met after we did. We've been together 5 years, 2 dc and she came along in year 3.

My dp sees her more than anyone else of his friends and invites her places or goes to see her etc. I've questioned this and he always says she's going through a hard time and needs support and that's why he's so attentive. To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?

I've probably left buts out but I'll try and flesh anything out if I have

Of course they can just be friends. You're saying that every straight man in the world is hugely attracted to every single woman they meet? That they don't have a type or preference in any way?

Lock up your grans, mumsnet.

Nope not every woman they meet, I'm saying with every women that is just their 'friend'.

tell
him you’re having a hard time too.

it sounds like he just likes the attention to be honest.

They may be just friends but the point is he is being hugely disrespectful to you (his family) you have said you don't like it but this does not seem to matter to him. Is he really willing to loose his family over this "friend "? I would not like my husband meeting up with another woman one on one (if she needs support she should find another friend not someone else husband). I think there is more to this probably she stroking his ego he likes the attention from another woman. I don't know many women who are happy to share their husband with another woman but then why would a man want too ..... if your guts telling you something is off it probably is. You don't need to be a "cool" wife as some here are saying it's only "friends" end of the day you feel uncomfortable & don't like it and that perfectly ok to feel that way. Protect YOUR family.

Thing is, if they are just friends then I look mental lol I don't ever want to control what he does and don't want him to do things because I say so, I want him to want to

But he's not going to "not want to" because he is doing what he want "seeing her" without any consequences. I really think you have to try to stop trying to be so "cool" and fight for your relationship. He is outright picking her over you (do you see this?). He has to see there are consequences in picking her over you

How often does he see her?

If I was you, I would most definitely have an issue with her as well.

It takes two to tango. She's fully aware of you and your DCs, yet she's very selfishly keeping him close to her and away from you and his young family.

They are very self-centered and self-absorbed imo at the very least.

Personally, I wouldn't see a male friend a lot if he had a DP and DCs, because I would very much consider his DP (you in this case), because I wouldn't want to step on your toes and take him away from his young family.

He's giving her time, energy,emotions, headspace, thoughts etc that should be going to you and his family

I'm just going to be blunt. No no no no and NO. She came along after you were together NO NO NO NO NO
He spends more time with her than any other mates NO NO NO NO
They go and do things together- alone?! NOOOO

It's a no from he. He drops her and backs off or you leave. Your clearly questioning it, trust yourself and believe in yourself.

As far as I'm aware, once or twice a month and talk most days. That's why I didn't want to say initially as it doesn't sound that much but he sees other people once maybe every 3 to 9 months then socialised with my friends and family when I have them here regularly

How would be feel if you had a male ‘best friend’ and spent an equal amount of time with him as he does with his bestie? I personally wouldn’t accept it … why aren’t you his ‘best friend’????

This is alot of contact.....ALOT op

This is a bit mad and I'm not sure if it would work in "real life" ie off the Internet lol but could you get or rope in a male friend whose "having a hard time" and start spending alot of time on them or with them. I feel like your DPs reaction will tell you all u need to know? Or the more sensible option talk to them both together maybe she is going through a hard time and you could help too? That way your supporting your DP and helping him to help someone who is clearly very important to him

Still doesn't matter how often they see in person it's an emotional affair if they are talking every day he should be investing that time in you & his family. There has go be consequences if not. Please don't let him "convince" you it's just a friend i dont even speak to my best friend or mim every day. This is an emotional affair. Please read up on this and he may not realise it so also show him the evidence of what an emotional affair is

An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship involving a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding as a romantic relationship. Emotional affairs usually begin as friendships.

Emotional infidelity texting is a form of cheating that occurs when you engage in intimate conversations sharing intimate details with someone other than your partner. It's important to note that this kind of inappropriate texting doesn't have to be sexually explicit.

Have you been allowed to read their texts to each other or listen to their chats ?

He wouldn't be bothered.... I wouldnt talk to them both together as she isn't my friend, we're very different people so that would be weird and uncomfortable all round lol

No, Jesus lol why would I have been allowed to read personal messages and listen to anything on his phone? That's crazy behaviour with no evidence and I'd go mad if anyone tried to do that to me. If I was that desperate, a relationship is dead in the water

He doesn't want to though so now what? Personally I think if you believe they are just friends then you need to accept the friendship and stop giving him a hard time about it. Just wave him off with a smile when he goes to see her.
You either accept it or you don't. He likes her enough to keep in constant contact and meet up with her regularly, he doesn't want to give that up. So the choice on what to do is yours.

Men and women most definitely can be friends.

I’ve see this from a lot of angles. Due to having longstanding friends and changing sexuality in my 40s, with lesbians remaining friends with exes in a way most heterosexuals don’t. In my view men are more likely to blur boundaries of friendships. Older, pre-existing friendships seem to be more likely to stay platonic and if there were feelings they were resolved. If new friendships are made they should be above board with integration on some level. But irrespective of these things if the primary relationship is not centred there’s an issue. I’ve got loads of long-standing, female friends, I do not speak to them daily. If I did and my partner (same sex) was worried, I’d stop. End of. Just as I Exocet certain boundaries.

Why don't you say 'OH, you know your friend that has been going through a hard time for 3 years now? What's going on there? Why is she having such a hard time?'

Men and women can be friends of course if both have integrity. I'm not sure your OH has integrity though.

This is 100% correct. Unfortunately.

I have lol it's been 3 years, that's obviously what I've asked haha but he says its her business