Female friend?

[Imnotsu]

I'm not quite sure I'm about to make sense but I'll do my best.

My partner has a female friend, met after we did. We've been together 5 years, 2 dc and she came along in year 3.

My dp sees her more than anyone else of his friends and invites her places or goes to see her etc. I've questioned this and he always says she's going through a hard time and needs support and that's why he's so attentive. To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?

I've probably left buts out but I'll try and flesh anything out if I have

Well that was uncalled for

I'm really relaxed about opposite sex friends, including exes, but this I wouldn't be madly delighted about.

I think you're right to questions why her having a "hard time" is the basis for the friendship. It doesn't ring true to me either.

That's fair, and I am probably clouded by past experiences. But I do question the judgement of a woman who would constantly rely on another woman's partner for emotional support - I'd understand more if they were long-standing friends, but friends of a few years when they're both adults? But agree he's the main problem. Have you asked him how he'd feel if you were spending an equal amount of time running around after a male friend of yours who was having a tough time?

Totally agree. I’ve always had male friends but respected boundaries when they’re on a relationship.

I would definitely have my guard up here OP. You’re his priority not some woman he’s only met in last few years who appears to be in constant need of emotional support - I’d be suspicious that it’s at the very least some sort of unhealthy codependent emotional affair.

I don't know if she IS wanting emotional support, that's what I mean, she seemed fine when I've seen her so it sounds like that's what he's telling me in order to see her so often

You are right OP, at least she enjoys his attention and he enjoys her far too much for my taste.

I don't see anything wrong with her 'enjoying his attention' if that means as a friend. As far as I'm aware, she's not done anything wrong. Im suspicious of him and him saying for 3 years she's upset. It sounds like an excuse to justify seeing her so much

@Imnotsu I was always very cool about these things until I wasn't-my H had a friendship like this many years ago - as she was only 21 and he was41 I didn't really make a big deal of it and yep he was constantly popping over to help her with 'stuff' - computer, house stuff etc

Many years later (11 to be precise) I found a drawful of songs (which he had written and recorded and sang on) and poems he had written about her and his feelings.

I'm afraid I am now a total cynic in such situations - as I felt a total mug- we are still married but it 100% changed my views on this kind of thing. It's not that I'm anti friends if the opposite sex but I think it all needs to be very transparent and an occasional thing- not constantly

As my H told me when it all came out- it was one sided 'just a crush' - may be the case I will never know but don't want you to be made totally mug of as this woman clearly has no decent boundaries too.

My ds has always had female friends. Sometimes he finds them attractive, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes they find him attractive, sometimes they don’t. But they are good and valuable friends nonetheless. They aren’t always after getting into each other’s pants.

There’s your answer. You think he could be lying to make excuses to see her - no way would I tolerate this.

I’ve dated numerous men and I’d say only about 30% of them would pop round to help their best mate in the world if they were having a massive crisis. Absolutely none of them would go round to hang out just because someone is “having a hard time” if they didn’t want to go anyway! I think you need to trust your instincts here that he is the one who wants to see her and he’s making excuses to do so. Whether she’s as keen to see him who knows.

I think you're right to be suspicious, OP. You and your DP need to have a talk.

I have, numerous times. That's when he's said the hard time stuff

Men in the UK are generally shit at friendships, no doubt, but if this is the only friend he's seeing on the regular then cutting that off and not changing anything else isn't an improvement. I think the real answer is to think about the role of friendship in his life overall that he feels he has to be disingenuous to spend time with a friend.

I said that in one of my posts, yes

Does she have a partner?
How often does he see her?
Where do they go when they meet?
We need specifics

'we need specifics'

I don't think you do, I've given plenty of info for my actual question/issue :)

I’ve always had a lot of male friends some of whom have been single at various times and never had any of them try and cross the line.
It’s very possible for men and women to be very good friends and respect each others boundaries.

Our group is mixed male female single attached and we all respect each other. Anyone coming in and trying to cross boundaries within the group would be given short shrift. We’re older though (40s and 50s) so maybe we’re just more adult about respecting friends.

Seems like you are more or less certain he's lying to you so really you have to decide what that means to you and what you are going to do about it.
It would upset me and if my partner was not concerned about that and didn't stop it then for me it would be over.

I appreciate you saying your issue isn't with her but I find it hard to believe she's not aware of his crush whether it's reciprocated or not and is probably exploiting him for an ego boost knowing it can't go further which is not really cool behaviour.

I can't extrapolate that from any of her behaviour though, from her end, what if she's just his genuine friend and knows nothing of his excuses?

I’ll be honest as well although he is your issue and not her, she should be putting boundaries in place knowing he’s attached.

Certainly when my close male friends are in relationships I back away slightly and restrict the time we spend on our own.