Female friend?

[Imnotsu]

I'm not quite sure I'm about to make sense but I'll do my best.

My partner has a female friend, met after we did. We've been together 5 years, 2 dc and she came along in year 3.

My dp sees her more than anyone else of his friends and invites her places or goes to see her etc. I've questioned this and he always says she's going through a hard time and needs support and that's why he's so attentive. To me, whether she's going through a hard time or not, it's still his choice to see her so frequently isn't it? It's not like he can't say no?

I've probably left buts out but I'll try and flesh anything out if I have

No, Jesus lol why would I have been allowed to read personal messages and listen to anything on his phone? That's crazy behaviour with no evidence and I'd go mad if anyone tried to do that to me. If I was that desperate, a relationship is dead in the water

If he has nothing to hide why would it be a problem sharing with his primary partner ? He should be reassuring you it's just a friend by offering to let you see messages. I think your relationship maybe dead anyway your not his number one priority or your at least joint number one with his other woman. And unless you see them shagging in front of you what "evidence " would you be looking for?

I don't have any evidence. Only that he sees his friend. So invading anyone's privacy isn't OK, but if she's actually going through something, he wouldn't be much if a friend breaking that confidence either. I don't want to know her business

Talking every day is strange to me, I’m not sure what you can do but it’s obviously not good if you can’t trust him, definitely trust your gut though

What? He won’t tell you and you won’t look at his phone? I’d be definitely looking to confirm it once and for all. You could go on like this for another 2 years! If you don’t feel like you can ask and he’s being secretive I would check the messages in a min

That's what I mean, he's not being secretive. All he's doing is going to see his friend or talk to her. He doesn't make a secret of it... So I have no right to demand to see anything, that's wrong

100% this - and he’s fobbing you off with lame excuses as to why he can’t keep away from her emotionally yet you seem to be justifying it and thinking you’re in the wrong to doubt or question him.

It doesn’t matter what the reason he is giving her emotional energy that he should be saving for his family. You’ve told him how you feel and he’s dismissing your concerns. Thats low level gaslighting.

This isn’t ok, why are you so passive about what is basically an emotional affair?

Id be looking thru his phone. Id read every message between them with no shame, its an intense relationship.....id want to know how intense.

I think your being very naive i think your being too passive, most people here are telling you kindly your relationships is in trouble there is a problem but your dismissing it as "hes just her friend " sorry to be blunt but they are more than friends! They emotionally connect every single day and just because it's not a secret it only means he's having an emotional affair right in front of you and your seemingly ok with it. There is nothing wrong in seeing what he's texting to his "friend" why is he keeping it such a secret is more concerning. Do you really want the truth of their relationship the only way you can get that is to see the evidence but he probably has it locked down. Your being made a fool off by them both sorry to say.

I'd tell him to leave, I'm not interested in being with someone who doesn't put me and the children first. X

I thought this. @Imnotsu Are you actually bothered about your DP's 'friendship' (and emotional affair) with this woman or not?! Because you started the thread with worries and concerns about it, and now you're like 'meh, wotevz! Let them be mates, she MAY be genuinely in need of his help. Oh no no no I am NOT looking at his phone that is sooo weird!!!'

I don't know if anyone feels the same, but I'm confused.

I don't know if anyone feels the same, but I'm confused.

Me too im confused by her reaction to what is clearly her husband having an emotional affair & the fact she is unwilling/maybe too scared to do anything about it

Yep. Its gone from concern and questioning if it’s normal, being told pretty unanimously no it’s far from normal behaviour, and now it’s ’well I can’t question him otherwise I’ll look mental’

I don’t get these threads. Asking for opinions, being given a pretty overwhelming view that it’s wrong and then going ‘but’ and justifying the behaviour that was questioned in the first place.

Yes and he should as well. Sorry, spending family time. Sounds like they both thrive on the friendship and she needs to find other friends or a partner...

@freeme31

I'm having a hard time believing this if I'm honest. Sniping at at people for asking how often the meet etc and the total lack of interest in finding out what's going on.

I call bull 💩 no-one is that laid back about their partner potentially getting up to no good.

Do you treat every friend identically? Would you care if he was treating a male friend differently? Honestly it just sounds like he likes her more than his other friends, that doesn't mean he is / wants to / has fucked her.

Talking must days. That sounds like an emotional affair to me.

How long are the conversations? ? Does he prioritise talking to her over you? What do they talk about?

I wouldn’t like this friendship.

He is having an affair. Sorry OP.

Yes. You and your dc are supposed to be his first priority. He is not acting as though you are the most important woman in his life, is he? No. That title goes to someone else.

Thank you... So many posters have made so many assumptions and they just aren't true. He isn't neglecting me or our children at all, he's great at home and works really hard for us. It's really upsetting me to be honest. I didn't ask anyone if they thought he was having an affair at all. I asked if something was normal for a friendship and it's spiraled from there. I've not 'sniped' at anyone

Absolutely because if you don’t start setting your boundaries he will continue mugging you off and having an emotional relationship in plain sight.

Unless you’re happy not to be his priority

It becomes very much YOUR business, when he is seeing her on their own once a fortnight, and messaging/talking practically every day.

He is supposed to be YOUR partner, not hers.

I once had a needy female friend, she did genuinely need emotional help. However the then partner took priority.

That’s hilariously territorial. Can I ask, are these ‘rules’ only in operation when it’s an opposite-sex friendship when both parties are straight? Because no one has ever seen a close same-sex friend fortnightly and messaged daily in times of crisis?

A crisis that’s lasted 3 years so far?

Well, you’re mugging yourself off a bit OP. You seem more desperate to not appear ‘mental’ than to actually find out what’s going on. Which is at least an EA in my opinion.