Hi all,
I've found my people. Thanks for the thread. I came across it at 2am last night and have read lots but still got more to read.
My story is that I met this man online 20 years ago. We chatted intensely for about 4/5 years but we never managed to meet up, partly as we were young, from different backgrounds and were scared to open a can of worms. We saw other people in this time and we cut contact in 2007 when I got together officially with my husband.
Fast forward to now - we got back in touch October 2022. It felt like old times. Daily chatting etc. "Connection". In July 2023 things got a bit heated sexually (all still via text) and we discussed how old feelings came back for both of us. It felt very intense but when he started to push to meet up, I realised I wasn't prepared to ruin my marriage. Another huge thing is that he's changed physical appearance drastically and I'm not in any way attracted to him any more but emotionally I can't let go.
He said there was no point chatting if we weren't going to meet up / potentially get together but I said I wanted him in my life as a mate. We cut contact for a 2 days and I was absolutely besides myself. This was now October 2023.
He then seemed to get attached to someone else he met online. She was playing very hot and cold and lived abroad. I felt a bit jealous but nothing major. In a way I felt happy for him but I don't know if that was because I knew nothing was really going to happen between them.
He slept with a fwb as well and I did feel jealous.
Since then though, I feel like I've been "carrying" us. He seems a bit withdrawn at times and I obsessively check my phone etc. I've tried to be very honest throughout and wish he just said he wasn't feeling me anymore, in a way that would help me let go. But at times, when pushed, he will say he is devestated that he can't have me and he's just had to accept it because there's nothing he can do about it.
We message every single day, and the conversation is always continuing. Yesterday there was a rare pause so after 8 hours of no contact I messaged asking how it's going.
I realise I've been the dick in this scenario. I hate this part of me. But why can't I let go?
I worry that if I block and delete him, I'll never know how he's getting on, is he alive and safe or what. He still lives at home with parents and is essentially a manchild but I don't know why I can't let go. I do care about him deeply.
I love the dopamine hit and also knowing I'm craved?
My hubby is great. I love him and we have great sex etc. I just feel sometimes emotionally we don't connect as well but then that's reality of life when we're working, raising a young family etc.
I wake up and go to bed checking my phone and although he has his last seen switched off, I can see when he's online so I will check obsessively.
I feel like I lose my self respect a bit when I message him when he may not have messaged me as quickly but I also don't want to step back because then I'm scared it will fizzle out completely?!!
What's wrong with me ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Bit of background to me is that I suffer health issues so as a result of being physically limited, I feel mentally bored quite a lot. I also think I probably have undiagnosed adhd.