Anyone else trying not not to contact a guy part 2??

[YouAreAllMySymmetry]

Hey loves @namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 and whoever else I can think of.

How we all doing?

I'm having a weird night; I've been drinking and guess what skill it reminded me I've developed: crying out of one eye. It means that people generally don't notice, in the car, or lying on the couch or in bed.

That's sad, isn't it.

@Thewookiemustgo Your words are brilliant, thank you.

OMG @pubertyalloveragain your words about the future and symbolising hope really resonate with me! He wasn't only a distraction from my divorce but, in my mind at least, a sign that the future was going to be better. And I realise now that it was mainly my fantasies and thoughts that created that hope. I feel like a fool for investing in something that was clearly mostly in my head.

As for staying away from relationships for a few years it has been two years for me when I met him! I thought I had healed and that was long enough but I now feel just as fucked up as when I was a teenager/in my early twenties going on bad dates and through break ups! Again, I feel like a fool.

As usual Wookiee's words are brilliant. I am trying to retread the pathways in my brain by focusing on the good things about myself and my life. As well as the negatives about this guy. That and keeping busy with the kids, work, friends, booking concerts and days out and things to look forward to. I've got a holiday in two weeks so that is keeping my brain busy and hopefully we be a good way of shifting my mindset.

It still hurts though and I still can't help dwelling in the fact someone can think so little of someone else to treat them this way. I can't help remembering all the conversations we had and how we opened up... and now I have been discarded like a piece of rubbish and cut out so brutally. It's really painful when you thought you knew and could trust someone.

I was watching loads of stuff about avoidant attachment but I have stopped now as it was actually giving me false hope that he would come back. I need to realise that somewhere in this there is a lesson and it's leading me to better things!

@LifeAtForty this is exactly how it has been for me…gave me hope that my awful ex husband was an anomaly..but the more I interact with men the more pessimistic I become. Thought I was getting somewhere but then today I tried to desperately find his deleted number off my daughters iPad…as it’s linked to my phone…pathetic! Luckily me 4 weeks ago knew I’d cave and I really did get rid of every trace!
like you it’s been the love bombing and future planning that have got me the most…why say it all? I was so open with him that my shitty marriage had made it hard for me to be vulnerable and trust and he literally steamrollered all over me…I often wonder if he links it all together and feels bad at all? Maybe after you have lost the “love of your life” it’s easier to see future women as disposable objects. Let’s just focus on being our best selves and maybe one day we will get our triumphant Tesco car park moment! Xx

@Jaz1987 @LifeAtForty That's why as much as they were assholes its more about us than them, granted I do seem to have some faith in humanity I wouldn't treat someone the same way, then again perhaps I have and not noticed the impact on them cause that wasn't where my focus was.

For me he chased, and then I got attached and got used to him (he withheld the fact that clearly I was some sort of rebound). That stung so much at the time. I honestly think as attractive as he is he mustn't be the full shilling. How would someone reasonably normal get a kick out of that is beyond me. Was anything genuine? I think yes he enjoyed hanging out but then went back to his real life (which took me too long to realise, I don't blame myself I was out of practice and willing to see the good in things). Meanwhile little old me packed it all away in my heart and rational and thought oh yeah i've totally made good decisions things are looking up, perhaps not him but there's someone out there who can get to know me again. He let me get so close, knowing he had a warm bed to crawl into (eww), and he knew I didn't, it's that that I think is utterly cruel and proof that there is a level of selfishness which is just complete and utter failure to see how a situation or your actions could hurt someone else.

I pushed him a few times and the last time he said he didn't want to say anything he couldn't take back. What could he have meant?

Truth is he deliberately withheld and that was his manipulation tool. I fell for it because his attention to detail with everything else was so impeccable. So of course I thought ah poor fella so confused.....!

Thats the crash when you realise what you thought could be realistic is a fantasy, pulls the rug from under your sense of self belief and ability to judge a situation and of course therefore rocks your self esteem to the core.

Discernment is the only approach, ruthless discernment, about men, about the future about everything.

Honestly this guy is working 5 minutes away for the week, I swear I am so close to get flipping rocks and throwing them at him. He made a fool of me (and in all my doe eyed hope) at exactly the time I needed me the most. That's one things but the discard because I didnt pander to him. I have no idea if he is angry (narc) or like I said not at the races.

BUT I am so hurt and furious - there is a part of me that just cannot let him away with it. How or should I reign myself in. Most likely I know I am wasting my energy.

It makes me wonder now if my judgement is so off was my marriage so bad or did I just imagine that too.

Sorry I am so upset about it - my typing is terrible. I just know he is around so its given me a blow. He could so easily say goodbye now but still choses not to.

Don't worry @pubertyalloveragain my typing is also terrible! We're here to get it all out not be judged for grammar and typos 😂

Again you ladies put what I can't into words and as bad as I feel that you feel the same hurt I do, it's so nice knowing I am not alone.

@Jaz1987 I was also open about what I went through in my marriage (after he made me feel safe to do so) and I also feel steamrolled over.

It's funny you say about loosing the love of your life and seeing women as disposable... My guy was cheated on by his wife. She left him for the OM after getting pregnant three years ago. So I now think I was a convenient distraction and someone to boost his ego and be there when he needed someone. When I actually voiced what I needed it was too much/he didn't care and it was easier to cut and run.

I really don't know why or how they can be so cold and unfeeling to discard people in this way, but what I do know is I have empathy, communication skills and compassion and would NEVER do it. Treat people the way you want to be treated right?

Well done for getting rid of all traces though! But don't beat yourself up for having a wobble. Was there a trigger for you wanting to contact him today?

I think the best way we can let them not get away with it @pubertyalloveragain is to move on and live fabulous lives without them! Easier said than done I know!!

I hate that answer - I want to throw rocks!!!!

:)

Really interesting comments in this thread - I am knocking this on this head this week and some of the comments really apply I think. Even if the circumstances are different.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5181458-how-to-get-over-being-used-and-ghosted?page=2&reply=138865446

I've been doing great, no contact at all, and just woke up sad today. This time of year there's a lot of reminiscing about things.

It's ok. I'll be ok. But just needed to say it here. Feeling on the edge of tears but have a long drive later so I can get it all out then.

Ah I'm sorry its so crap. I get it. Do you have an affirmation when you feel like this?

I drove his car and hour ago and to think the last time I saw him he made these grand gestures and literally not a word uttered since and there he is today. Did I miss something??

Sending hugs @YouAreAllMySymmetry. I also feel sad today. Just wish it was still the part when it was all good and not this shitty empty, lonely void.

Thing is, it's probably not even him. It's a difficult week for reasons entirely unrelated to him, but you know how it goes right...any curveball and you seek the old dopamine hit.

I haven't and I won't though.

Actually also had a very very interesting dream about him so that probably didn't help 😂 ☺️

And he was in my dream again this morning (not a spicy dream this time just a normal one!)

So irritating. I wake up and think 'fuck sake, another day of having you in my head'. Wish he'd fuck off tbh.

Also wish he'd just fuck off out of my head!!! It's actually boring me now and yet he won't leave!

Exactly!! What the fuck, brain??

@YouAreAllMySymmetry you’ve hit the nail on the head! It’s not him, it’s your brain.
The more you react, the more important to you your brain thinks it is, therefore unfortunately it thinks it’s helping you out by giving you more of it. What you should do is counter-intuitive as we think we must work really hard to stop it. Doing that has the reversed effect. Your brain has no idea that he is actually junk food for your brain rather than good healthy stuff to help you move on and find peace. We all know junk found is bad for us but we wouldn’t go back for more unless we got a pleasure reward from it. Just like junk food, things which give our brain pleasure rewards aren’t always good for us, unfortunately.
Let the dreams and thoughts come, you have no control over that so don’t ever even bother trying, your brain does what it does. The more you react and fight it, the worse it gets. Notice the thoughts and dreams then just blame them on your brain, try hard not to get frustrated with yourself (gives your brain another false reminder that the content must therefore have value) and visualise them as being inside clouds, bubbles, balloons, anything that floats away, and breathe, watch them float and don’t engage, refocus on a task and move your brain on.
It’s like the RNLI advice if you’re in trouble in water, never fight, always float.

Yeah you're right, he is the flotsam and jetsam of my mind.

And yet...I am listening to music as I work and the last song he ever sent me is on, and the lyrics are just...so sad. It's just sad.

I miss him and his friendship, the different perspectives he gave me on things, the new things his passion made me interested in.

It was like a view into a different life I don't get to live. I stupidly thought we'd be friends for ever, or for a long time.

Someone told me once that the chemistry we gave off made them think we'd either fuck or fall out. The reality is just sadder and slower; that we'd just quietly slip out of sight of each other.

@YouAreAllMySymmetry Can I suggest looking at some ACT therapy videos on Youtube? There is one called the Unwelcome Party Guest - it is a short cartoon but the principle is interesting. It is what @Thewookiemustgo is talking about.

ACT teaches that our thoughts are like a radio. If we try and push thoughts away, we become more and more "hooked" emotionally on them. Rather than trying to fight them, we simply "notice" that we are having a thought about X - and then rather than try to fight it, we allow it to be, but do not allow ourselves to emotionally connect with them.

After a while, we learn to sit with the thought, but not engage with it. It is only then that we find they go away of their own accord.

Yeah I've read stuff about that before, like being an observer of your emotions instead of a reactor to them.

I don't want to overstate it, I'm not in contact with him and I have no real desire or need to be.

I just miss the phase of my life that he featured in; it was very different to life today, and it was fun and exciting and it felt like the beginning of something great.

I've been walked out on. Again. Just made a thread.
I'm between writing something really angry to him, or telling him how sad I feel, or even that I miss him.
I blocked him instead. He has left ALL his stuff so I will need to see him again. I don't know how he will get in touch but at the moment, I need him to be blocked before I send something daft.

My ex just Whatsapped me.

Not the plank from this thread.

The man I adored, who lived with me before.

So now I'm looking at his new profile picture adoringly (he must have had a new phone since March) and crying instead of enjoying Grand Designs.

He's asked me for a phone number for someone we knew ages ago. I don't have it.

I don't know whether to block this number too, to reply. Heart is absolutely racing.

I'm now worried I'm going to come across as a complete fantasist on this thread.

I have dealt with the "proper" ex (see above) by deleting WhatsApp for now (couldn't work out how to block him!) and by blocking his new number on my phone so he won't be able to text or phone.

I'm happy with that. Or happyish.

But THEN !!

Whilst faffing with trying to block my "proper" ex on WA, I could see a number I had already blocked. I didn't recognise the little profile picture next to it at first.

The other day I left the hobby group WA I had been in for some years with what we will call dickhead ex. The recent one from this thread. He had commented in a really disgusting way about 3 ladies from the group (all 50-70), giving them marks out of 10 and saying he would message them privately.

Anyway, I clicked on the tiny profile picture of the blocked contact. Dickhead ex had obviously seen that I had left the hobby group WA shortly after his dirty comments.

He has taken the photo of the 3 ladies glammed up and IS USING IT AS HIS PROFILE PICTURE !!!!

He's a 36 year old married man, not related or a close friend to any of those ladies. He's changed it because he knew I didn't like his comments.

What an absolute fucking loon.

Saw this and thought of all of us...

I am having a hard time today. I didn't realise how much I had invested in him even as a friend.

I have had to drive by a few times this week. The deepest hurt and so furious with myself that I let it happen and with him for not having the respect to say goodbye. Like I've lost credibility with myself.

Barely functioning.