H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Thank you all for your messages.
I have bitten the bullet and called my friend. I think part of the reason I hadn't was because I knew it would make it seem more real once I told someone.
She was lovely and supportive, and her DP knows some solicitors who work around here, so she's having a ring round for me to see if someone can squeeze me in ASAP.
Its also given me something to do tonight now the DCs are in bed I can try and start getting any financial stuff together so its ready if a solicitor wants to see me at short notice.

I've also messaged my manager to tell her I will be calling in sick in the morning and that H has left so she knows whats going on.

To answer some questions H hasn't been spending any more time on his phone and has been letting the DCs play on it as normal.
We each have a personal account and then we pay a % of our income into a joint account and all our family bills come out of that. We also have a joint savings account which we pay a bit into each month. He has been paying in the same as always but I have no access to his personal account so wouldn't be able to see anything from there. I pay 30% of the bills/savings and he pays the other 70%. We worked it out based on our income so it was fair in terms of bills and personal money.
I can't afford all the bills myself, but I've not looked into it either, so I guess that's something else for me to figure out.

I don't know if I want to send the DCs to him this weekend. I want them to have stability and not feel like I'm just leaving them like H has. I'm not sure what H will say to them either. Plus, selfishly, they give me something to do so I'm not just sitting here lonely by myself.

Wow, OP. You're a warrior!
You're doing all the right things and haven't crumpled in a heap and that is AWESOME.

It could be an emotional affair or something totally different. Why he has left really doesn't matter right now although you will want to know for closure later. You are allowed to be upset and angry at his awful selfish actions. My situation was different as we left my ex but because of his behaviour. I decided I'd never lie to my kids for him, I try to give age appropriate answers and often just told them honestly I didn't know the answer to some things but I love them so much and we would figure it out.
You need to get copy's of all the financial documents, call CA to see if you can get any help with anything. Don't trust him to pay his share at least not for very long. If your eldest is old enough to have their own phone be ready for the cowardly shit to send some stupid self pitying text rather then act like a grown up.
Use the anger when it comes to make a plan. He's left you in the shit so you make a plan that works for you and the kids and make it clear he has to follow it with no room for debate. I feel for you, but please remember you will be ok, you'll get through this and come out stronger.

He is not ill is he and under some crazy idea that this way he is sparing you?

I’m really glad you’ve spoken to your friend. It sounds like you’re getting good support. I really feel for you, you must be very shocked. Stay strong OP.

Be the constant rock for your children. I know people say 50/50 and that’s completely right as these men shouldn’t shirk their responsibilities. But my children didn’t want to go and my ex made things so difficult and was so uncooperative it was impossible. His parting words were family life was boring he wanted to enjoy cocktails, dinners and holidays with the 27 year old from work. He was 41. She didn’t want children apparently. 4 years on they have a toddler and he’s back in soft play hell 🤣 all i can say in all this the only reward is what a close tight unit you and your kids will become. the bond is un breakable and they will notice and appreciate how much you do. you will feel warmth and kindness from so many friends. but it changes you and is very very sad. But stay strong and resilient and you’ll be so proud of yourself if you hold your head up high with dignity.

The exact reason why he's left is irrelevant. It's how he left. The way he's literally abandoned you and your kids like a spineless coward with no regard to how devastating this would be is absolutely unforgivable. It's a deal breaker. How anyone could do this to their kids is unfathomable. I'm sorry to say you never really knew him at all.

Um I think you misunderstood, free time and freedom are two different things. Freedom in this situation is almost certainly to date.

He is spineless and an awful father.
None of this is your fault - just remember that.

You need to look at paper copies of any financial accounts regardless of ownership. And if you can access the sole accounts by guessing passwords then do that too. Not for evidence to present to court, but for you to better understand where joint monies are being spent. But I found other evidence such as paper cards. Hidden but I found them. By the time he left our family home 3 months after me calling him out I knew everything I needed to know. None of it acceptable for a UK family court, but I knew.

I don't know whats going on for him. I thought it was a breakdown at first because I couldn't see how it could be anything else but reading some of the comments on this thread people can have affairs without changing their behaviour at all so its possible it is an affair.

Either way he has shown no signs of anything being wrong till now. He hasn't mentioned anything about being unhappy till the letter.

He is cowardly trash. Well done OP you can do this.

Which sadly shows you how good a liar he is op.

Wishing you all the best, OP. You should be very proud of yourself for already taking steps to safeguard your future. Your (hopefully-STBX) husband sounds deeply and coldly selfish. There can be no excuse for ending a relationship in the way he has chosen to do. You are strong, you are capable, you are not at fault. Be kind to yourself going forward and please lean on friends if you can.

Totally agree he is having an affair.

He will have been quite happily having an affair, but something brought matters to a head for OW - quite probably the fact it was Father's Day and the thought of him playing happy families was too much for her.

Work on Monday she gave him an ultimatum- leave your wife or it's over.

More than likely he'll realise what a terrible mistake he's made within a month or two but please don't think he won't do it again.

There will be someone else I’m sorry to say it I think they leave that way as they have shame or want space to rewrite history and explore things with the ow. I couldn’t get over why he was so angry towards me. I found when he was cheating and in the middle of it all he was always nasty to me like he wanted to pick a fight with me. It’s to make them feel better about what they are doing. Leaving a letter is cowardly. My ex we spent Christmas together and you wouldn’t have known. Sorry OP but be prepared. My ex was always home too. They have time believe me..

Another one cautioning against 50/50 childcare. I have mine most of the time (ex has them EOW and one night in week)
The kids have stability with me but it's exhausting I will admit. I wouldn't change it.

I wouldn’t send dc unless he has asked to see them. I would tell dc truth and give them weekend for you all to be upset. If you have any contact with him just ask for a time and place he will commit to seeing dc as they will want to know exactly when that will be. They will feel abandoned. They will blame themselves. Tell school what’s happening as they can look out for dc. Look at websites like gingerbread and moneysavingexpert and do a financial audit. Benefit calculator, council tax reduction, child maintenance calculator, move 50% savings, cancel any joint credit. Cancel any of his subscriptions. Check you are on deeds so he can’t borrow money against house without you knowing. I found sorting the admin things kept me occupied. Be aware you are in shock and this is not the time to make important decisions other than the immediate essentials. Know that one awesome parent is enough. My kids turned out great despite having a deadbeat for a dad. We are not a broken family we are a stronger and closer family unit now. When you have a wobble try and give yourself the advice you would give a friend in the same situation. Just take it one day at a time. He’s a selfish coward. In time your dc will see that. I would do the same as you keep the dc close, he’s now someone they need protecting from as they aren’t his priority. they need you more than ever. The dc will know if he doesn’t really want to see them, I know my dc could always tell.

Sorry you are wrong and hate to say this but 100 per cent he is having an affair.

Sorry to hear all of this. Sending you moral support

He’s completely checked out. It happens. That he seems to have lost interest in the children, too, is disgusting.

ive been where you are now. I was blindsided . I thought we were ok, I thought we were happy and he just upped and left.

I’m so sorry you had to find out though a letter, that’s cowardly of him not to at least talk to you face to face.

I had friends and family telling me he must have met someone else, I defended him to the end! No way, we loved each other, he was having a breakdown, nothing had changed, he spent every night at home with me until he left!

5 months later the other woman messaged me, she was the cleaner at his work, they had been seeing each other for ages before he left.
He hadn’t had to sneak around at home because he got to see her every day at work. That’s why nothing changed at home.

it all sense when I spoke with her. I wasnt going mad after all!

Hope you have good support, this is a HIM thing, not you.
look after yourself, allow those horrible sad thoughts to come, they will go eventually. I promise xx

He expects you to be calm when he's checked out of being a husband and father of 3? Be prepared for 'The Script'.
The script begins | Mumsnet

You are probably feeling like your life has been ripped apart, but you will get through it. It won't be easy, but you'll find you are stronger than you thought.
Whatever happens, you are still a good person and a good mother.

How dare he. How dare he treat you and your children like this, regardless of absolutely everything else, what an absolute thoughtless, selfish, self indulgent child he is being.

You need a very cool head right now, hard when you're hurting so much, but you need to protect you and your children. Make copies/ screen shots of any financials you have access to, get legal advice and plan for worst case scenario - he is not going to be reasonable