H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Men don't just leave (yes yes, there was your brother's friend's cousin's neighbour's husband, but apart from that) because they tend to be a bit lazy and like an easy life. You give him that.

He hasn't suddenly decided he wants to split his house, do all his own chores, as a preference to how easy he has it with you. You sound wonderful.

I'm so sorry, but there is absolutely someone else.

They make up over time or it’s someone at work

I’d be taking the dc round to mil’s on Friday night, tell them they’re having a little holiday.
Tell h you’re going away for a week as you need the break and make it clear that he is to have his dc 50% of the time.
How dare men assume they can stop being fathers when the fancy takes them.

How old are your children?
I don't see why you are the one having to lie for him.
He needs to come home and speak to the children himself, what a worm he is leaving it all to you!
I know you say he can't have another woman; if he leaves the house for work each day then he easily could, believe me.
I thought the same and I was sadly proved very wrong.

I really hope this isn't the case for you but definitely pay heed to the advice on here; unfortunately much of it will come from bitter experience.

Do you have access to any of his data? Eg itemized phone bill, location data, shared bank accounts…

He is hiding something which will eventually reveal itself and being a massive cock not saying what it is.

Cheaters usually deny so you need some sort of proof

Yeah but they often pretend they are going to be active co-parents and “I’m not leaving the children, just our romantic relationship” then end up being useless later on

Also, just to be aware, he's going to gaslight and goad and push your buttons until you snap. So the poor wee mite can say "look, she's crazy, do you blame me" so when the OW comes crawling out the woodwork, it's as though she's just come along at a convenient time to help him get over his horrible ex wife.

Don't play into this as much as you can. I know it's hard. He's a total bastard and you'll be enraged. Keep the calm face for everyone and scream into a pillow.

Vile man.

I'd also be dropping DCs off at MIL on Friday for the weekend and not leaving him free to see the OW at leisure

Don’t do this and say as from Sunday you are having the kids at the IL for the whole week and then back to me for a week - week on and week off. He doesn’t get to swan off.

Do not make excuses for him with your children. You have to be honest with them. You have to tell them that he's decided he does not want to be married anymore. That he will take them on Summer holiday as planned.
As for you: He said he needed freedom from family life. Sure he does. I presume freedom involves another female.

It’s amazing that he’s managed to com once his mum that his shitty behaviour is you behaving badly when he’s blindsided you. 💐

Absolutely.

This happened to me exactly this time 4 years ago! You literally just described my ex husband! We was together over 8 years married 6 months he done all this, not the letter he was more cold and nasty if honest he worked away for 10 days and a different man walked back into the house 4 months later I found out it was another woman!!! He was shagging her while he was working away and didn't have the balls to tell me!! I eventually found out from a family member of his!

I’m so sorry OP but It’s pretty likely there is someone else and you’ll be amazed at how someone can find time to cheat .
He’s a spineless piece of crack skulking off and leaving a Dear Jane letter 😡
Get your ducks in a row , arrange an appointment with a solicitor and find out where you stand financially.
Be prepared for him to rewrite history .. tell you he never really loved you .. wasn’t happy as you were such an awful person to live with , it’s page 4 of the cheaters handbook .
He’ll be doing his best to make you look like the bad guy to justify his actions when he produces his OW .
You must be feeling bereft and shocked right now , have you got family or friends that could come round ?

Defo another woman. Drop the kids off. He can't opt out of parenting.

I can't tell my family yet, my parents will blame me for not being able to fix it. I can't tell my brother cause he lives with them and I don't think he will be able to keep it secret from them.

My only close friend moved 4 hours away a few months ago and has a 2 month old. I don't want to bother her when she is so busy.

I could probably see his phone bill as I have access to his emails but I can't see his location details or anything like that.

I have seen this play out a couple of times, 8 times of ten it's another woman, once another man and the final was sadly MH issue.

Rally your troops share the load, especially people you know who are both emotional and practical support.

I would send a message to in law asking him to contact his children. Let the school know.

Honestly try and calm down. Then completely blank him, explain to the kids that he needs some time to himself and he will contact as soon as he can.

Don't let him make you the bad guy in all this.

The op doesn't need proof of anything.

I'm so sorry, op. My guess is that his mistress gave him an ultimatum, but the chances are excellent he will come crawling back.

If it were me, the gloves would be off and permanently off. I wouldn't do a single thing to make his life easy. And I would tell his mother any fucking thing I wanted to.

If he hasn't got another woman, then he's lost his job/got into some big financial mess and he's running away.

Men don't leave a convenient set up ie meals being cooked, washing being done without having a reason to. Whether that's another woman, or some sort of midlife crisis - he's lying to you, and probably himself as well.

At this point, your best option is to freeze. Don't say or do anything, quietly investigate what's going on - and remind him that he's a father and his children aren't processing this and need to see him.

I'm sorry OP. This happened to me too and I could see no time or place he could be having an affair but he was. He made promises to be a good dad too and pay his share etc. Nope. I phoned a solicitor the day after he left and divorced him. The affair came out later. It's the cheaters handbook and it sucks. Someone up thread said you'd survive and thrive and you will. He's a coward and you will be far better without him

Yes I thought this. Has maybe booking the big holiday been the final straw.

Do you have joint finances

I am sorry OP. It looks like he has thought it all out and even laid it out in a letter! He didn’t have the guts to talk to you face to face, indicating there is stuff to hide and be ashamed about. I agree with other posters that another woman is quite likely to be on the cards and if that’s the case, she’ll be introduced as someone he began to date after he left you all.

I would start reaching out to your family and friends for support now. Be honest about what you are going through and don’t keep his secrets. Why should you suffer in silence?

So sorry OP. What a crushing shock. I have to agree that there’s likely another woman involved. Probably at work (when isn’t it?). Go digging. I’m petty enough to then point out to his parents exactly what kind of man their son is.

But in practical terms you need to protect yourself financially and practically. If he is leaving the child arrangements up to you then do exactly that. Make decisions that suit them and you. Gather all financial info you can. Check if you are entitled to any benefits now he has left. See a solicitor.

Im really sorry. He’s a stupid asshole dickhead by the sounds of it.