H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

What a skidmark.

Take him to the cleaners (no pun intended!)

What, your dad left your mum like that and then thought he should inherit when she died? What an idiot. I'm sorry, but it sounds as though the wrong parent died then.

Yeah he’s an absolute shit, you and your lovely children deserve better.
Hope the solicitors was useful.
It doesn’t feel like it right now, but this will pass. x

Tell him - Don't let the door hit you on the way out!! Then move on to your best life yet!!

About 2 years ago, my husband did the exact same thing. He was involved with another girl ( the girl was a minor by the way), and he had been involved with her for a while. He went cold, intimacy went dead, and nothing made sense. I did something drastic, i.e. use a child monitoring app a colleague suggested and what I found on his phone made me physically sick. I haven't looked back since and neither should you. I probably would have never ever found out if not for the app, i even use it for my kid's phone now.

Could he be seeing someone at work maybe? @Solost200

@JoJoAnnaGF A minor? That's disgusting. So he cheated and he's a pervert. Gross. 🤢 Did anything happen to him for that?

I really feel for you @Solost200 - your H is a total utter bastard the way he has treated you and your children. As for your DC1 being upset, that is 100% on him. If he wanted to leave your marriage, that's one thing, but to do it in such a cowardly and despicable way is just the lowest of the low. Hope you have got a shit-hot solicitor and take him to the cleaners!

Leave him and his parents to stew! The parents could be showing more concern for you and the children too!! If my son did something like that, I'm not sure I could stand to have him in my house.

Has he never shown any signs that this is the person he is? Please start another thread as this one is nearly full. Hugs xx

Very wise words. Sorry it took you years of pain to distil this knowledge, Oami. But this could save many other people struggling.

He lacks commitment and suddenly has found the whole family business too much for him, by the sound of it. If he is not grown up enough to be a husband and father he should have thought about that before he entered the contract. He is now being silly, saying he won't talk to you.
My ex was like this. He upped and told me one day, it was Shrove Tuesday and I had gone to some effort to make nice pancakes (odd what you remember!), that I was responsible for his lack of promotion at work because I was a shackle round his neck that was preventing him doing the things he wanted to do.
Like an idiot, I believed him and said I was sorry. Much later - when I found a letter about open marriage he had written to his brother - I realised he was a complete dick who didn't want responsibility of any sort but to be 'freeeeeeee!' and I was in the way. Much happier with 2nd (now late) DH. Sounds like your DH is the same as my ex. Get a solicitor.

Nope :) One of the many joys of living in a red state! /s

@Solost200 you may want to start another thread as this one is almost full.

Not so far.

She had to sell the family home because she couldn't afford the mortgage on her wage. His parents helped out for a while but pretty quickly distanced themselves from it all.

my friend had to move 5 hours away, near her parents, so they can help with childcare so she can still work. Despite his non capitalist claims, he happily took 50% of the house proceeds. Fortunately her parents have helped her out and it's a much cheaper area so she has managed to buy something and is happy on her own. The eldest daughter has a lot of anger and emotional issues, unsurprisingly. She has zero contact with her dad and is disgusted that his girlfriend is only 7 years older than her! The whole thing will definitely have a lasting effect on her and how she views men and relationships.

He's still living his carefree man-child existence and takes zero responsibility for detonating a bomb in the middle of his kids' lives.

A gasped at your latest updates, what a shit.

I will never, ever, understand people who do what your husband has done.

It's one thing for him to decide he doesn't want to be with you; I can even somewhat understand him suddenly announcing this, whatever the root cause may be (affair, depression, simply falling out of love).

But to offer you no explanation AND THEN to walk out on his kids and assume you'll pick up the pieces is disgusting. He owes you a conversion and he especially owes his kids this.

He may not want to be tied down, but I presume he chose to have three kids and get married. Too late, buddy; you can't unring a bell!

He's either very ill and needs professional help now or he's a complete and utter twat. How dare he act like this to you and your kids.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds like you're doing the best you can in a horrible situation. As others have said, use the time with your solicitor wisely to talk about practicalities (bills, mortgage, child support etc.).

Whatever the root cause of his behaviour I don't think I could ever forgive a partner for behaving like this and I wouldn't want him around the kids until he grew tf up.

My god op what an absolute arse! A bf has just cut my adult DD off dead after 2 years and I thought that was bad behaviour! But a marriage and children? You deserve so much better. Take him to the cleaners!

He sounds like an utter shitbag.

I hope your appointment today wasn’t too brutal. I also hope you’ve got someone who’ll come and visit you at the weekend.

So sorry OP, you must be totally blindsided. I hope you can get support IRL. Good luck to you for the future, your kids are lucky to have you xx

My ex left me and had met someone at work. He worked in an all male environment but his mate had a friend visit him, who was a female, and there you go. Anyone can meet and start an affair anywhere, even when you don't think it is possible.

I'm so sorry, but yes, cherchez La Femme

This is such good advice. This is what I did. Consent order was less than £1000 and I've continued to be satisfied with the outcome.

JFC I really hate your STB ex. What kind of arsehole speaks to his child like that then blames you.

I'd be keeping super calm as you are doing, as this is going to be the negotiation of your life.

I'd definitely be holding him accountable for ensuring he has regular contact with the DC, he doesn't get to admonish himself and leave you to pick up the pieces.

@Solost200

FWIW I don't think you did anything 'wrong' by having your DD speak to your STBX over the phone. His 'announcement' wouldn't have been easier on her even if it had been accompanied by a 10lb chocolate bar. He was always going to be an arsehole because you forced him into being responsible for his own actions and he didn't like that.

I agree with laying low for now. See the solicitor, take time to digest the information given and focus on yourself and your children. You (and your DC) will get through this.

Your thread is almost full. We'll still be here if you feel like starting another. If not, best wishes for your future.

So he blames you AND his parents for his shit attitude to his marriage. What an absolute arsehole.

What a cruel, horrible way to speak to your child. That is beyond selfish, way beyond.
Poor him that he thinks family life is hard and his parents misled him, I think that the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever heard.
I think you’ll have to tell the children on your own OP, something simple like daddy still loves you lots but he’s decided he wants to live in another house.

@Solost200 op, did you see the solicitor? What did they say? Any word from your Inlaws or from 'precious' himself ?