H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Financially any savings etc in joint names take your half and put it in an account in your sole name. Have your salary paid in to that account. You need to protect every penny. Please don't think oh he's not like that - he wasn't like he is now and as soon as he starts to realise how much its costing him to pay the bills etc he will start to get nit picky.

Def sort out details of finances and spk to a solicitor
Prep yourself for child maintenance - whilst he is playing ball and paying bills etc perhaps don't need but he wont be that generous for ever so have all the paperwork and info to hand. Keep the kids pass ports and documents safe.

Think about changing the locks or getting the keys back so he doesn't have access to your life now

Good Luck

Either he's depressed or there's another woman on the scene.

Yup

How can she do that, he’s staying at the ils. Good grief.

Other tips
1.Good playlist
2.Don't keep alcohol in the house. Drink only when out seeing friends.

1. Exercise often.
2. Boost your self esteem, hair, nails, eyebrows, new make up, new clothes.a
3. Call all all your friends and lean on them.

Sorry- it formatted that message weirdly but you get my drift

Wow what a coward. I'm so sorry he's thrown this bomb into your world. He's obviously been planning this.

I agree tell your friend. Your parents are awful if that's how they'd react.

This. And regretfully, like every other poster on this thread, I think there is another woman involved and an affair. So while he is out of the house you need to search the house incredibly carefully. You need to access every single bill and paperwork. Know what your joint finances are as you move towards divorce. I don't necessarily agree with the 50:50 DC arrangements being suggested on here. Please note that might set a precedent which might not be suitable for you going forward.

How awful. Could he have met someone at work?

I'm sorry OP. Another one here saying it's an affair. Men don't leave unless they've got somewhere else to go. It's a tale as old as time.

You need to start getting angry. How dare he do this via letter, the vile coward! And how dare he refuse to give any explanation to his children. What an awful, selfish bastard.

Now use that anger to channel your energy into getting your ducks in a row. Start thinking about your future without him and how that looks financially etc.

Tell him he's taking the kids 50-50.

He's doing this became he wants out of the hard work (3 kids too late).

I'm really sorry but I also think there is another woman at work.

I think it killed her that he had a nice father's day with his wife and children and she lost it with him at work on Monday and gave him an ultimatum. So he left on Tuesday and never came back.

That's why he can't give you any answers.

You will be fine, in time. You deserve better, even if he hasn't cheated.

Men do this to make themselves look clever and cover up an affair. Far from clever!
I'm sorry if this has happened to you .

This. Stay calm , don't beg and just try to be as strong as possible for the kids. He's met someone else and they will be shiny and new you can't compete for now so don't try to. He's a disgusting coward and will live to regret it.

I agree. I would keep DC with you at the moment to give them as much stability as possible. It is going to be difficult for them. 50/50 may not be the best option and could go against what you want in the future especially if there is an OW who could end up in their lives.

Sorry I agree with everyone above, 100% another woman at work. He was given an ultimatum by the OW or someone who knows about the affair. You didn’t notice that he was struggling because he wasn’t! He was having the time of his life with a wife at home and a mistress at work. He booked a holiday a year from now because he thought he could happily continue stringing you both along at the same time for at least the next year! He left you a note and won’t speak to you because (1) He’s a fucking coward (2) He doesn’t want to answer any difficult questions (3) He knows that you will be able to tell that he is lying.

He said you tell him when he should have the kids and you should 100% say this weekend - Fri after school until Sunday evening. Don’t let him run off for an instant cozy weekend with his mistress.

You need to book an appointment with a solicitor as soon as humanly possible. You need copies of all financial information relating to assets, accounts, wages, pensions….. before he starts hiding them. And if you have any joint savings then you need to Immediately withdraw 50% into an account in just your name. He is no longer the kind and fair man you thought he was. I’ve seen so many friends screwed over who thought their husband would play fair, they never do!

And please please call your friend. I wouldn’t care if I’d just had a baby - id want my friend to call me if they were in this situation. She will be so sad to find out further down the line that you felt you couldn’t tell her.

Hi OP I had the exact same six months ago. He didn’t do a letter though just left and actually blocked me for months I scare to make me look crazy. The women from work he was just friends with lol he is now in a relationship with. Within months of leaving.

its a joke and seems to be the reason most men just up and leave and then ignore you after. It took four months for him to talk to me face to face and even then he tried to talk about work anything but us and the situation.

That might be one of the most disgusting things I have ever read on here, I'm so sorry. Even if he has met someone else, now might not be the time to dwell on this aspect. He has left you with the children so you need to stay strong and detach yourself as best as possible. Tomorrow morning call in sick to work and tell them you won't be back until Monday earliest. Try and find someone (not him) to watch your kids over the weekend so you have some time to yourself to process what has happened. I know it may seem impossible but try your best not to contact him at all. No text no email no phone calls - go totally silent and I'm 99% certain that he will reach out to you soon enough.

Okay, not proud, but I had a long-term affair. It was 90% conducted within working hours.

Wants more freedom!!

Honestly, as a Mum, don't we all! But that's not life is it, it's not realistic as parent. We have responsibilities that aren't negotiable. Where is your free time, your rest...he obviously thinks free time is so important that it's perfectly fine to leave you on your own with 3 children.

Please talk to someone in real life OP. Don't go through this alone. Keep strong ❤️

I’m sorry you’re in this situation . I’ve recently been here. Claimed mental Heath etc. broke up on the 22nd and then found out he was in a relationship by the 1st. All he did was go to work to. They find ways. That’s after 12 years and children.
although I’m thankful for the other woman she can have the narcissistic abusive man child.

This is the stage I’ve got to. The other women would msg me stalk my socials and claim they said intimate stuff as it. ‘ was just their friendship’ my ex is now with her within months of leaving. He went the route of rewriting history and treated me so cruel that me ringing a lot made me look unhinged. He left no warning and made it about him needing to sort of his mental health and drink. But he just got with the ‘friend’ in my case she is 20 years older but she is mega rich and my ex worked for her.

I just feel sick by it all and think the same she can have him he’s no prise and he will resent her soon enough and repeat.

@Nothingsurprisesmeanymoree
I have the feeling I’m being made out to be the crazy baby mum too. But he upped and left with no explanation to the kids and told me to tell them he had died. I’ve had to tell him no contact as he’s mentally unstable and abusive. I don’t even think the new partner even knows about the kids. He moved 6 hours away to be with her and not seen the kids in 5 months. But then asks me for photos of them so he can see how they are. He’s never been bothered with them

Sorry op but he will be cheating. Either her partner has found out or the cognitive dissonance is too much for him to cope with or she’s pregnant or she is pressurising him.

He leaves to ‘clear his head’ this means test drive the new model yet still sit on the fence so he can return if the new model is faulty.

If he has a phone and can text then he is able to cheat and has time to cheat. Anyone can cheat its a choice. We are all capable and we all have the option to at our fingertips. Cheating is easy, being faithful is a choice.

Get on to the surviving infidelity website. Post and ask advice. The posters on there really know their stuff. You will find the advice is not what you may expect but if you want to save your relationship they will help.

This happened to me. He had met someone at work and when i thought he was ‘away for work’ he was with her. I’m so sorry you are going through this. The shock is horrible. He will probably treat you appallingly now and won’t offer you an explanation. Mine did admit the OW early on. Yours might pretend there is no one then in a few month ‘suddenly of met someone’ i wish id seen a solicitor sooner whilst he felt guilty. It’s so hard but you need to just look out for you and the children now.My ex refuses to communicate with me at all about anything