The script begins

[supiciousminds]

Hello everyone. The last few weeks have been a confusing and unpleasant blur.
I'm so numb and exhausted.

Together 9 years, married 5, two DC under 7

Just before the Christmas break I noticed DH being more distant and less interested in family life, spending more time at work, more time socialising with friends in the pub, as always I picked up the slack with the DC's and prep for Christmas.

Christmas was strained and I kept asking what's the matter and he eventually said "I'm bored, life is mundane, nothing is making me happy anymore, I feel depressed."

I was upset but pleased that he was opening up and hoped to work through it. He kept telling me he loved me and was committed blagh blagh.

My gut feeling was strong and im ashamed to say I looked at his phone..... well there they were, all the messages from the work colleague (worked together years)Nothing incriminating initially, chatty, talking like a pair of teenagers, kisses on all the messages. And then it was arranging to meet up for a "chat".

He lied to me about meeting up with her...
I challenged him about the messages and meeting up, he denied it and gaslighted me accusing me of being paranoid and that I had now broken the trust with looking at his phone.

A few more days pass and we try and move forward but still I feel this awful feeling.
I've since found out they meet up with others for a drink....again lied about it and denied it despite being seen together.

Last night he came home after being out all day and tried to blame me for ending our marriage by breaking the trust through looking at his phone. Denied everything with the OW "we are just friends, your paranoid".

The final blow was that he hasn't loved me for a long time and was trying to for the children.
I'm devastated, numb and terrified what the future looks like. I know he will never admit to the OW. I don't care anymore.

I just don't know where to start with what's next. He keeps changing his mind about leaving or staying in the house.
I'm so worried for our DC, my eldest keeps asking what's going on...I'm trying to protect them and "act" normal.
Thanks for reading.

How awful, I'm so sorry. What a child he is emotionally.

Tell him to leave. Take control, he doesn’t get to treat you like shit and then umm and ahh about leaving.

He’s made his bed let him lie in it, it will kill him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this x

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It really isn’t up to him if the relationship continues and he stays at home. I’d be suggesting that he packs his bags and leaves to give you some peace. Of course you’ll worry but why should he leave you dangling whilst he makes up his mind? No matter what happens, you can be certain that it’ll only be a few weeks before reality hits and he wants to come back. I’d sort the financial stuff, make sure you have a car, access to all you need and tell him to go find himself. He’ll soon appreciate what boring and mundane is when he’s on his mate’s sofa or in his OW’s house. I’m sure lots will recommend this website, www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

Thanks everyone. I agree I need to take back some control and ask him to move out/space.
I will start looking into finances. My name is on the mortgage.
I'm in part time low paid work and gave up my career to have and raise the DC.

I think when he realises this isn't a game and I'm not messing around here,the reality is going to bite hard.
All the "excitement" of sneaking around with OW will start to fade.

I really would like to keep my family together for the DC and the idea of not being with them full time is terrifying me. But I can't imagine ever wanting to stay with him now.
I don't recognise him. The lying, the sneaking around. The truly vile personal attacks he has made against me. I keep telling myself it's the guilt and him trying to justify perusing the OW, but god it hurts.

I’ve had all this too since October (long term affairs) still not told me the truth. Hasn’t wanted to be married for a long time blah blah. Kicked out straight away and divorce filed. How anyone can put their wife & kids through that is beyond me.
kick him out now, nc unless via email for kids arrangements. Do not let this man treat you like this anymore. Put yourself and the kids first.

Keep everything in writing email text only don't let him keep calling after he has left he will only try to reel you back in and lie to you

You're already ahead of many women who discover an affair in that you know about the script and you know the gas lighting, narrative changing and blame shifting is him trying to justify his disgusting behaviour.

Right now get yourself a copy of leave a cheater gain a life, read the chump lady site that will help you find your anger,

Get yourself on surviving infidelity and read their just found out forum, he is literally reading from the cheaters handbook.

I'm sorry to say that HE is such a cliche, affair while his wife is dealing with young children. Such a bloody pathetic man child.

I agree with posters saying he needs a bucket of ice cold water thrown over him. Take decisive action. I can see you want to save your marriage, I get that, but while you're playing the pick me dance (any contact positive or negative is a sign you care) against a fantasy you have no hope.

At the very least Google surviving infidelity 180, it's a strategy to avoid you giving him any attention.

I'm so so sorry. So many of us have been there. It's so depressingly predictable.

I will add, the 180 will also give you some space to gain clarity on what you want, whether that is staying or kicking this nasty piece of work out. And put you back in the driving seat.

You say he keeps changing his mind about staying or leaving. To me, that means he doesn’t want to stay (sorry). If he did want to stay, there wouldn’t be the confusion.

As others have said, don’t let him control the narrative and take control of the situation.

You know exactly what you need to do and how to do it. It's shitty but you've proper rumbled him and his pathetic script. Don't be drawn in with his stories and blame shifting.
His little chats after work won't have quite the same appeal after he's been kicked out..

I am sorry it sounds shit but you need to protect your mental health and your kids - you are on a slippery slope and perhaps better to get off now before you hit the bottom and need to crawl your way back again.
Of course you are confused and emotional - a few months ago in your minds eye you were growing old with this man. But he has told you he is bored....listen to him. Treat them mean keep them keen I say - if you don't act swiftly on this he will always think you are a pushover and even if you get back together he might risk doing it again since you were so easy to convince the first time...

I agree with you all and thanks.
He's currently ignoring me, hate atmospheres, so im going to make plans to take the DCs out for the day but will say:

"we need to make a plan for the next week initially, with living arrangements etc give you the space you said you need."

I have started looking at a solicitor to take advice and the next steps.

I honestly think he believes he can play these games and it will all blow over when says. Not a chance.

Don't tell him its for his space that he needs. Tell him to leave and that you aren't accepting his bullshit disrespect. There's always options for you, don't let financial things keep you from all your anger and for him to feel the consequences.

Yes I agree don't play into his bs narrative. I'd say I believe you have been having an affair. I believe I have been disrespected and you've stolen time from our family to engage in this. I need you to go so I can work out what I need.

Id probably also make it clear that he's a nasty cheating cliche, and just following the same old predictable pattern, while putting you at risk.

But I'm a bit fiery when I'm bloody angry.

Honestly I think at this point there is no marriage to save and I really don't think you want that. Staying together for the kids isn't a viable solution.
I can't say for sure what I would do in this situation as I am not a confrontational person but I like to think that what I'd do is this:
Pack his things while he's at work or at the pub with his "colleagues".
When he returns tell him you will not let him disrespect you and gaslight you anymore and that he has to leave. Make sure he gives you his keys back or change the locks.

You deserve better than this OP, I am so sorry he has done this to you and your family. Sending love and good thoughts ❤️

Please let go of the idea that staying together for the sake of the kids is in their best interests.

In a relationship where there's mutual respect but it's just a bit stale, both parties can decide to make an effort to continue the relationship so the kids can live with both parents.

What you have here is a relationship where he's already disrespected you by cheating and saying he doesn't love you. He might be happy to keep the marriage going because he gets a comfortable home. But it would teach your kids that you will accept being disrespected and they would grow up in an atmosphere of resentment and hostility.

Sorting out a separation amicably is the best option. They'll be with him some of the time, it will be hard but also give you some free time to rebuild.

Good luck!

What do you know about OW? Is she single? If they are hesitating it's usually because the path with OW isn't known yet.

Do you have family support?

Thanks everyone.
I've just said we need to sort living arrangements and both having space. I told him now longer able to see a future. He looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Luckily have lots of family support around us and DH's family will be devastated but I also appreciate blood is thicker than water.

The OW is living with someone and it's "complicated" (rolls eyes)
They have worked together a long time and she had never ever been on my radar at all and then these messages. You can see the tone had intensified less about work and the flirty innuendos etc.

When this happened to me, I stupidly played the 'pick me' game. With the power of hindsight, I really wish that I hadn't and had been strong enough to make the decision for him and tell him to go and file for divorce. Trust me (and others who are all saying the same) it will not end happily and the way forward for you is to take control. Don't feed into his narrative. I am now happier than I have been in years as I have my life back. I don't need to think about making someone else happy, worry about treading on eggshells so as not to upset him and pushing him into the arms of the OW, and I have a full and happy social life. It will take time for you to get to this stage, but you will do it!

Well done op. Taking back some control will make you fell better and stop him playing games. He needs to realise that he won't suddenly be able to go back to single life. He still has dc he's responsible for and it's only fair he give YOU the space YOU need to come to terms with HIS decision

This! Take back control, make it clear you are NOT to be messed about. Do not play the 'pick me' dance and allow him to cake eat. Sure the excitement of the affair fades when exposed and most run their course eventually but who wants to be a door mat. He has to know there are consequences for betrayal and cheating.

I advise telling her partner. He is entitled to know his reality.

Why are men so bloody predictable when it comes to affairs????

Good move OP - he needs to reliase that his actions have consequences, the first one being that in the cold light of day, the OW's commitment to him is a lot more shaky than he realised.

One thing: I wouldn't read too much into the indecision - at the moment he has a choice between being told how wonderful he is and having his ego fed by the OW, or facing up to the fact that he's trashed an amazing relationship and people are angry with him. Because he's feeble, it will take time for him to face up to the latter. Also - tell people you are splitting and why. This will make it more real for him, too.

I think when he realises this isn't a game and I'm not messing around here,the reality is going to bite hard

Yes, hopefully the consequences will dawn on him. I think when in the emotional or physical affair bubble they are not thinking of life post discovery.

I have always believed that people who have affairs are emotionally immature, have limited emotional intelligence and operate from an ego perspective.

I never wish anyone a divorce or separation but if your husband has checked out what else can you do? Staying married knowing has or wants to have affairs will destroy yourself esteem and you would become a shell of a person.

Unfortunately a lot of men OP (some women too) find it a fun little distraction from the Groundhog Day of life- until it isn't and they get caught. They never intend it to be marriage breaking - until it is.

@Crikeyalmighty so true.

If nothing physical has happened, then many men don’t count this as affair, but just a platonic friendship (despite the cosy meet-up for coffee, over-friendly texts, lies etc). The emotional affair concept is alien to them (although to be fair, I hadn’t heard of the term until mn).